Expectations make us unhappy - acceptance instead will contribute to your happiness. Is this true?

[noname223]

I read an interview with a psycholigst. It made me a little bit mad.

I will translate parts of it and post it here with google translator. God please protect me of copyright infringement ghouls. However, God never helped me once in life I should not rely on his help.

This interview hit a "sore point". I saw some patterns of myself in this interview. And yes I am a deeply unhappy person. But what if you life is dog shit? So fucking much happened that the worst case seems to be a very rational outcome. I got rejected over and over again. I go through one harship to the next. My life is a torture chamber. Shall I simply accept that? I might end up in poverty and on the street. It seems cynical to me saying to a person like me lower your expectations and simply accept your fate. I really imagine the worst case all the time and it does not help much. However, it simply has a very high likelihood to happen. And there is nothing I can do against that. I almost killed myself in October because my attempt to recover backfired spectacularly. The answer of her might be eradicate the option suicide out of your head and you will feel better. First of all this would change my personality dramatically. How would this even be possible? Maybe lithium? However, this is me. And this is a part of me that actually don't despise. I was in unbelievable pain in the past and I realized I have a pain limit. And suicide seems to be the only way to spare me of decade long torture. I don't want to accept this meaningless suffering for the coming decades. I think here comes the issue. And maybe we are not the core audience for this pop scienitifical publication. These advices don't work with people with objective shit life syndrome in daily agony. Change your perspective simply does not work. And interviews like these make average people believe suicidal people like us simply had to change our view on the world. It is cynical.



SPIEGEL: When is an expectation realistic and when is it exaggerated?
Hoffmann-Bisinger: Whether expectations are exaggerated or not is ultimately measured against reality. This means that if I have always successfully mastered certain situations so far, then the expectation that this will also be the case in the future is reasonable. If my child has a tantrum every night while brushing his teeth, then the expectation that this won't happen tonight is exaggerated because it has always been stressful so far. And if I have a boss who has never praised my work, then the expectation that she will do so tomorrow is exaggerated and unrealistic.
SPIEGEL: And that then leads to disappointment and frustration?
Hoffmann-Bisinger: Exactly. Because the circumstances don't match my expectations.


Hoffmann-Bisinger: Yes, the secret of happy wishes is that you are also prepared to accept a "no". I wish for something, and if it turns out differently, that's okay too.

Hoffmann-Bisinger: In general, it is human to have expectations and wishes. But expecting the perfect result is dangerous. It can rain. Guests can suddenly fall ill. If I tie my happiness to the fact that my expectations are fulfilled and that the world is the way I think it should be, then there is a good chance of becoming unhappy.


SPIEGEL: Disappointed expectations are sometimes also perceived as a personal insult. For example, if the waitress doesn't look you in the eye when you pay. Why is that?

Hoffmann-Bisinger: The experiences we have shape our view of ourselves and others, and these experiences become beliefs. Our beliefs always tint the glasses through which we view the world. For example, if as a baby I experience that no one comes to me when I cry, later in a relationship I may have the belief that no one is interested in me and that my needs are not being met anyway.

SPIEGEL: How can I tell whether my feelings and any resulting reaction are inappropriate?

Hoffmann-Bisinger: A good indicator of an internalized belief is when I react strongly emotionally to certain situations. If the waitress didn't look me in the eye and I can hardly contain myself because of anger and disappointment, then this reaction is most likely related to my sore spots and beliefs. However, many people do not question themselves at all at this point and believe they have the right to be angry.

SPIEGEL: Feelings of disappointment can actually be very intense and overwhelming and can literally overwhelm us at certain moments, especially in relationships.

Hoffmann-Bisinger: If your partner says something that triggers strong feelings, it usually has to do with a sore spot or our so-called inner child. This leads to intense emotional reactions, and these are often difficult to keep under control. It's a bit like your feelings are behind the wheel while you're in the back seat. The car speeds off and you have no control over it.

SPIEGEL: How can you take control again?

Hoffmann-Bisinger: It definitely helps to pause and notice exactly what feelings are coming up. And to realize that a sore spot is being touched on that probably has little to do with the person I'm talking to, but much more to do with me. It helps to look at the whole thing with humor: "Hey, I'm just five years old, how old are you?" Because that affects all of us. Couple therapists too. Everyone has sensitive spots, and it's not about preventing such behavior, but about finding a healthy way to deal with it. If you want to develop further, it's good to admit: "I just reacted inappropriately, I'm sorry."

SPIEGEL: Unfortunately, there are also people who are rarely satisfied and expect a lot of things from their environment.Hoffmann-Bisinger: Some people don't want to reflect at all. That's basically a self-imposed misfortune. In client relationships, we talk about the so-called complainers. Complainers see themselves as victims of circumstances and think that they themselves have nothing to do with it. Only when they manage to change their perspective with the help of self-observation exercises can they see that their actions have a direct impact on their environment.

SPIEGEL: Instead of having excessive expectations, there are also people who always assume the worst. What are the basic fears based on?Hoffmann-Bisinger: This is a protective strategy of our brain. People mentally anticipate the worst case scenario in order to protect themselves if it does happen. However, this is a strategy that does not work because I make myself unhappy in my thoughts beforehand by feeding my brain negative images. This affects both my current mood and my focus. If my focus is more on the negative, this predestines me to be unhappy. Although I want to protect myself from unhappiness, the strategy has exactly the opposite effect.

SPIEGEL: How can you distinguish your own expectations from those of others?

Hoffmann-Bisinger: Let me give you an example from my own experience: There was a couple who were having great difficulties with each other, but separation was not an option for either of them because that was what their family had taught them. Since they were not even allowed to think about separation, they were under so much pressure that they could not come up with a solution. So it was important for the couple to first find out why separation was taboo and that it was the family's expectations. Other people's expectations often result from family or social norms and values. It is important to get in touch with yourself and ask yourself: What is my opinion? How do I actually see it? Only when the couple was aware of this and the possibility of separation was first raised could something change.

SPIEGEL: Can you train yourself to have fewer expectations?Hoffmann-Bisinger: In my opinion, that is something you should practice and train every day in order to go through life happier and more content. You can start with small things that you can't change: If I'm stuck in a traffic jam on the way to work and I expected to be on time, and that puts me under pressure. I can practice letting go of my expectations in that moment and say to myself: "Okay, it's going to happen as it happens." And I can do that with physical relaxation. That means I try to let go of my jaw, my neck, and my shoulders. Unfortunately, things happen in life that we don't expect: illness, the loss of a relationship or a job. If I practice letting go regularly with small things, then it becomes easier to deal with bigger issues too.

SPIEGEL: Is healthy expectation management ultimately the basis for a happy life?

Hoffmann-Bisinger: Expectations are closely linked to our happiness and are part of the essence of being human. We go through life from morning to night and would like to change a lot of what happens. We don't want the subway to be late, or we're afraid of losing something. We're actually constantly fighting for or against something, avoiding something or enduring certain situations until they're over. But accepting that things are just the way they are and not wanting to change the things we can't change contributes enormously to a happy life.

 

[L'absent]

Your words exude a pain that cannot and should not be minimized. I understand how unbearable it must feel to be told to passively accept an existence that seems wrapped in an inexorable spiral of suffering. It is profoundly human to long for relief, a breath, a reprieve from what you describe as a 'torture chamber.'
The perspective offered in the interview may seem dissonant when compared to the reality of someone enduring daily agony. The idea of acceptance, of letting go, can almost sound cruel when the weight of life itself feels unbearable. Yet, your clear discontent reveals a mind that reflects, analyzes, and, in some way, resists total surrender. That, in itself, is an act of resilience worthy of respect.
I don't believe there is a simple or universal answer to your pain, but what you have shared is a powerful testimony. You have given voice to a discomfort that many may not be able to articulate with the same clarity and strength. It's important that this voice does not go unheard, because even in the darkest moments, the simple act of being understood can represent a small, initial relief.
I hope you find a space, whether human or therapeutic, where your experience is not reduced to simple advice or platitudes but embraced with the dignity you deserve.

 

[maniac116]

Personally I believe acceptance is a key to happiness though I can understand others not feeling the same.
Expectations set us up. Expectations are us trying to predict a future outcome & we are often disappointed when our expectations aren't met, even though our expectations aren't realistic.

 

[The_Hunter]

the point of this interview is not to give up all hope in everything ever; the point is not to have unreasonable expectations that are not based off reality, because that's just sabotaging your hope and ability to function in the world. "I'm not going to expect to win the lottery, so therefore I'm not sad when I don't."

And while we're at psychology. Learned helplessness, anyone? Where one's ability to hope is destroyed by repeated failures. No, that doesn't mean that your hopes did you in, you're just burned by your bad experiences, and feel your actions don't have impact anymore.

But that "impact-lessness" is based off a certain situation. If the situation happens to change (even without your knowledge), that pessimism carries with you. So when people leave traumatic situations and enter back into stable situations (like from a warzone back to their peaceful home country), they keep their trauma, they keep fearing and suffering even when they don't gain anything from being on edge. They are not protecting themeselves at that point, they are harming themselves, because their ideas don't match their situation well enough.

No, you don't have to accept your life is a torture chamber. No, I don't want you to suffer. And I hate to see you (and anyone) suffering, too. I just want you to be aware of why you feel the way you do, for your own sake, and nobody else's.

It is not that hope is evil. It is that we feel disempowered when we are unable to make impacts. Maybe the tool we are using is not fit for the job, maybe you're right are you are fucked; but even if you are--it is not a matter of hope that has done you in, but despair.

Despair is a last resort and so is often present with last resorts. And maybe I cannot advise you if there exist solutions to your problems, and maybe you find yourself unable to find them either. But I say that to posit expectation itself as the problem is a slight misunderstanding of our psychological model here. That the issue is that we don't know how to make our actions effective and to actually change things. Suffering is suffering, no matter what your expectation--to me I would think that the act of giving up is often at the end of a series of sufferings and painful trials, perhaps with confusion as to why they did what they did; such a confusion of how things work is something I would assume is present often with despair.

I write this from my ivory tower with little understanding of the levels of pain you experience. If it seems snarky or blatantly misunderstanding, then that is why. If it is so, I give my apologies. I don't know what to say, other than I give you the best of wishes I can, that it's horrible that such suffering befall you. Hope these words sat alright with you.

 

[theshund]

If you don't have high hopes for anything you'll never be disappointed.

What's more important? Avoiding instances of disappointment from time to time or living without hope all of the time?

And that's not a rhetorical question. Which is more important to you (whoever is reading this)?

Personally I find hope elusive and have found that when I abandon hope, ctb is the only viable option. When I have hope, some things are bearable. But I'm more cynical than I am rational most of the time, so the obvious answer (to most well adjusted people) isn't the default for me.

 

[KillingPain267]