Discussion Experiences opening about CTB to other people

[saii]

What is your experience with sharing your feelings to CTB to other people? People always say stuff like "I am here for you", but in my personal experience it couldn't be further from the truth, but maybe unlike me you have positive experiences opening up.

For me, I am in my late twenties but I started feeling it in my late teens when I began to experience chronic pain which resulted in me being secluded in one room for years.

I searched for what you are "supposed to" do on the internet which was to seek professional help, after opening up about it to my psychiatrist she told me that she couldn't help me and that I should seek help from a psychiatrist who specializes in suicides but that they have a long waiting/appointment time 1-2 years, to which I responded that I would most likely not be alive by that time, haven't seen her after but I did my first attempt shortly after.

I told my mother and she responded that I should do it because I am a burden to her (Being disabled and all). I told my friends, a good chunk of them cut contact with me because it made them uncomfortable. Those who remained tried to be supportive but our friendship turned toxic as I was out of it most of the time being on heavy painkillers and feeling almost manic, I eventually ended up alone wishing I never opened up to anyone.

 

[Kalista]

one basically told me to be grateful someone called the cops on me as it means 'they care.' that was one of the last few times i've spoken to that bitch who angrily said that to me.
the one who called the cops on me said she doesn't have the energy to deal with me. got deleted from her list and later lost contact fully
another said the same thing and also removed me
this was when i used a belt to constrict my neck. didn't do it right. struggled to talk for more than a month. voice was raspy and would stutter a lot.

one kept saying it's not worth it. 'don't do something permanent over something temporary.' that was the beginning of me hating that god damn phrase as it felt so wrong to hear in that moment. just didn't have to words to express it

one got her fucking best friend to basically tell me to fuck off over the phone and treated me like a criminal. she works as a dispatcher for a police station. there was a lot of misunderstanding that happened but she didn't care. she tried to listen to me but lost patience. broke that day. cried heavily. never been treated like that before
the one that told her best friend said to me that she's sorry, but that was it. a month or so later she text to see if i was still alive. i responded, then that was the last time i heard from her even when i tried to message months later

confided to one of my past roommates. only told her because it felt like i could trust her. don't remember if i said not to tell the others. she told the others. soon after they did a whole intervention right in the dining room. tried to give it a chance, but that was the start of an awkward and shit relationship with everyone in that house.
not long after, we all drank and hung out in the dining room. one tried to start a drinking game for us to play -- russian roulette. he bought a fucking nerf gun and explained the rules of having to shoot yourself in the head as he did a show and tell. after i told them i'm suicidal. never played the game.

one said she's not equipped to help me and that i should speak to a professional. while it can be understandable why people respond in this way, still feels so fucking insulting when they do. removed me from her list after

one was just stuck saying repeatedly 'i'm sorry. i hope you feel better (pat-emote).' this is someone i've explained most of what i've dealt with yet still says things i told her not to say to me backed with reasons. like talking to a fucking wall.

one said 'don't do it, it's not worth it.' never responded. too tired to explain anything at that point.

used to get a lot of 'i'm here to talk/listen if you ever need someone' and they're all the same. i no longer respond to these types of 'help.' their approach at times can be agressive in stopping you from killing yourself. after talking about everything, they either disappear afterwards or will linger for a few days or weeks, then disappear. only made me feel lonelier

i'd also get the same god damn questions from these people such as, 'do you have any hobbies?' -- 'what can you do to distract yourself right now?' -- 'can you go out for a walk while maybe listening to music?' -- 'let's play some games later/sometime,' then we never do
that's all it is, just doing a series of activities in order to cope until you want to kill yourself again because thoughts and feelings never left. just temporarily distracted by other things. oh, look -- even joy/happiness is temporary. who would have fucking thought
while the need to kill yourself stays permanently because you learned and now know too fucking much about the world and its people

there are many more. lost a lot of people by this whether they were close or new. in this world, talking about and expressing suicide is very punishing. you're ostracized. this is a social issue that will never change. so do what you have to.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

To put it simply, not good. People either start avoiding me or they will try to help and then later realize that I am too messed up and then try to keep their distance.

 

[LostLily]

Only told a few people about it, Both were horrified and one told me to "don't do anything stupid again". Made me feel more guilty that I'm burdening them with this when it is my fight alone. Glad I found this forum

 

[graveface]

I was coming apart at the seams because of several stressors plus a friend -- the kind of friend that you're there for each other when no one else is -- was in the terminal stage of cancer. So I told my (former) therapist I was having suicidal ideation but was trying hard not to give in to obtain my preferred method to CTB. She threatened to call the cops on me. I immediately put on a big happy smile and said no, I'm not thinking about that at all! Everything is fine! Never better! She took my word for it, but said it'd be better for her not to work with me anymore. I was devastated at the time, but if she gets her knickers in a twist over someone voicing their thoughts in a time of distress, probably best that I didn't keep working with her anyway.

 

[squidsponge]

I was coming apart at the seams because of several stressors plus a friend -- the kind of friend that you're there for each other when no one else is -- was in the terminal stage of cancer. So I told my (former) therapist I was having suicidal ideation but was trying hard not to give in to obtain my preferred method to CTB. She threatened to call the cops on me. I immediately put on a big happy smile and said no, I'm not thinking about that at all! Everything is fine! Never better! She took my word for it, but said it'd be better for her not to work with me anymore. I was devastated at the time, but if she gets her knickers in a twist over someone voicing their thoughts in a time of distress, probably best that I didn't keep working with her anyway.

I really don't understand a therapist who would do this. That does not sound like a safe space at all

 

[graveface]

I really don't understand a therapist who would do this. That does not sound like a safe space at all

I was pretty shocked m'self. She later explained that she didn't know any local resources and so would have to call 911 on me if I said more about being suicidal so she could CYA. To be clear, a therapist should not do that, and there should be a whole host of tools in their kit before they leap to the worst-case. She was something else.

 

[2chanc]

Let's see, I lost my girlfriend being too honest about it. Parents pretend like i didn't try and do it twice. Doctors are legally required to call 911. and I ain't going back in the ward

So sadly, no, you really can't tell anyone. That's why this site exists. One place where youcan talk about it, and ppl be trying to take it down.

"Mental health awareness" is a joke no matter where you live

 

[SpeckofDust]

Friends I opened up to are no longer friends. They all dropped me. These were friends who knew me for decades. Professionals also dropped me, stating they could no longer support me. I ended up being more suicidal than ever. Now, I'm close to having to CTB - less than a week. I am struggling with SI, but I am out of money, I have no one I can turn to, and my physical and emotional issues are too much for me to overcome. I have to exit this life soon, and I must make myself go through with it. Sorry, I realize I veered off track a bit. Most other humans, even those with degrees and training, cannot handle serious suicidal ideation/attempts, based on my experience.

 

[ScaredOfMachines]

Only people I've really tried talking to about it is my father and my therapist. My dad gave me the whole "It's so selfish of you to want to leave life, you can't just quit when you want to, etc." My therapist seems to view it as a non-issue and doesn't really talk to me about it. I couldn't imagine opening up to anyone else for the reasons others have stated. Regular people just don't care about others enough to help, or are completely clueless on what to do. I have a hard enough time socially already, I don't want to make it worse.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've been pretty careful in the past about who I've told. Either because I got the sense that they felt the same. In which case, we could empathise with one another. Or, I've sensed that a person was more open minded, pro-choice and, not close enough to me to feel responsible for me. In which case, I've had more rational conversations with them. I wouldn't tell family though or friends now I don't think.

Your responses sounded heart breaking. Your Mum's in particular. I'm so sorry.

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

What is your experience with sharing your feelings to CTB to other people? People always say stuff like "I am here for you", but in my personal experience it couldn't be further from the truth, but maybe unlike me you have positive experiences opening up.

For me, I am in my late twenties but I started feeling it in my late teens when I began to experience chronic pain which resulted in me being secluded in one room for years.

I searched for what you are "supposed to" do on the internet which was to seek professional help, after opening up about it to my psychiatrist she told me that she couldn't help me and that I should seek help from a psychiatrist who specializes in suicides but that they have a long waiting/appointment time 1-2 years, to which I responded that I would most likely not be alive by that time, haven't seen her after but I did my first attempt shortly after.

I told my mother and she responded that I should do it because I am a burden to her (Being disabled and all). I told my friends, a good chunk of them cut contact with me because it made them uncomfortable. Those who remained tried to be supportive but our friendship turned toxic as I was out of it most of the time being on heavy painkillers and feeling almost manic, I eventually ended up alone wishing I never opened up to anyone.

Yep, same here, wish I've never told anyone, it only made things faaaaar worse.

 

[Roadrunner]

My advise is never share it except for here. Anyone that has never experienced the mental or physical trauma that has us here will never understand. Imho

 

[saii]

I've been pretty careful in the past about who I've told. Either because I got the sense that they felt the same. In which case, we could empathise with one another. Or, I've sensed that a person was more open minded, pro-choice and, not close enough to me to feel responsible for me. In which case, I've had more rational conversations with them. I wouldn't tell family though or friends now I don't think.

Your responses sounded heart breaking. Your Mum's in particular. I'm so sorry.

Thank you, and yeah I have never met someone who feels the same outside of this forum, but I am sure there have to be plenty of people around us.

With my mom, at this point, I can't look into her eyes without feeling like I am about to break, but what can you do...

 

[sos]

i have never met someone who was able to understand such a thing, they'd always go into an attacking mode by wanting to get rid of the feelings and thoughts to ctb, rather than to be like "im sorry to feel that way, im here if you need me" or in other words: listen and not offer solutions right off the bat

sure, i get it, they wanna help so i dont ctb but when im telling someone that i wanna ctb, im far from in the mood to hear about solutions to continue living

 

[saii]

My advise is never share it except for here. Anyone that has never experienced the mental or physical trauma that has us here will never understand. Imho

Yeah, I really screwed up, I guess I was just looking for someone to help me but I was naive to think that.

I am really glad that I found this forum last month. At that time I was searching for a way to CTB because I am tired of feeling physical pain while also having no future because of my life situation. But since then reading all the stories and posts here has sort of made me not even think about it much. As if for the first time in my life there are people that get it.

I will probably still go through it but at least now I know how to do it without slowly dying of liver failure.

i have never met someone who was able to understand such a thing, they'd always go into an attacking mode by wanting to get rid of the feelings and thoughts to ctb, rather than to be like "im sorry to feel that way, im here if you need me" or in other words: listen and not offer solutions right off the bat

sure, i get it, they wanna help so i dont ctb but when im telling someone that i wanna ctb, im far from in the mood to hear about solutions to continue living

Yeah I hate when that happens, people think it's a cause that you can just fix like that, rather a state of being, and they start (at least in my own experience) treat you less like a human.

The worst is when someone says "Just take a walk"...

 

[NegevChina]

I did tell one good childhood friend i was thinking of CTB and told him not to tell any one. He ended up contacting my wife that same night telling her I was in bad condition. She asked me what did he mean and I told her I had suicidal thoughts but im over it. My friend is still in contact with me and even invited me to his home on my birthday. He is trying to cheer me up, help me find a job, though I'm not in physical or mental condition to work, I'm an engineer and cant concentrate on anything except faking getting better and trying to find a job. And planning my CTB.

Friends I opened up to are no longer friends. They all dropped me. These were friends who knew me for decades. Professionals also dropped me, stating they could no longer support me. I ended up being more suicidal than ever. Now, I'm close to having to CTB - less than a week. I am struggling with SI, but I am out of money, I have no one I can turn to, and my physical and emotional issues are too much for me to overcome. I have to exit this life soon, and I must make myself go through with it. Sorry, I realize I veered off track a bit. Most other humans, even those with degrees and training, cannot handle serious suicidal ideation/attempts, based on my experience.

Its ok with me you've opened it up, cause I'm in the same condition, emotionally and physically but procrastinating CTB. I've already lost my life insurance that could have given my family some means to cope with my CTB and hope for future. Should have done it months ago. I must do it in few weeks or things will get much worse.

 

[etherealspring]

recently i actually told pretty much everyone important in my life and my gp too, and ive been getting support but i still want to die so badly and its been making me feel rlly guilty

 

[2chanc]

Selfish...what a joke. Even before I had these thoughts I never really understood why anything other than suffering would come to one's mind when it came to suicide

 

[belly.up4good]

What is your experience with sharing your feelings to CTB to other people? People always say stuff like "I am here for you", but in my personal experience it couldn't be further from the truth, but maybe unlike me you have positive experiences opening up.

For me, I am in my late twenties but I started feeling it in my late teens when I began to experience chronic pain which resulted in me being secluded in one room for years.

I searched for what you are "supposed to" do on the internet which was to seek professional help, after opening up about it to my psychiatrist she told me that she couldn't help me and that I should seek help from a psychiatrist who specializes in suicides but that they have a long waiting/appointment time 1-2 years, to which I responded that I would most likely not be alive by that time, haven't seen her after but I did my first attempt shortly after.

I told my mother and she responded that I should do it because I am a burden to her (Being disabled and all). I told my friends, a good chunk of them cut contact with me because it made them uncomfortable. Those who remained tried to be supportive but our friendship turned toxic as I was out of it most of the time being on heavy painkillers and feeling almost manic, I eventually ended up alone wishing I never opened up to anyone.

I feel it doesn't matter if I recieve support or not, meaningful words don't stick with me. But in my experience, no one takes me seriously. It may be because I joke about it so much, but I feel if someone was talking about it so much, you know, I would get suspicious it was true. Everyone knows I'm depressed, I guess they're just used to it now that it doesn't really resonate if I say fucked up stuff or they don't care.