made it 2 months longer than i wanted (Sept 20-something had a thwarted hanging, no damage cops cut me down from neck from tree cause SI made me too scared to kick chair).
had a fiance who went thru exact same trauma in life and was my exact same me but in a male body. loved him, he seemed to/DID honestly genuinely love me but he's sick and he took it out on me. plus told his mom/lawyer i'm abusive/they think that at least (has a DV charge and history of aggression/possibly gang related murder, mostly PTSD from being abused which "made him do it". which i'm just as fucked up but have never hurt anyone except for one fight years ago in high school, after being hit in the face with a ball and told to kill myself, after 4 years of harassment, which one of them doing it was my "ex bestfriend"/first love and hated me for no reason because this girl told him a lie/he picked a skinny white girl. just for being skinny and white??? hates himself that much over me, just like narc mentioned later did, and ex fiance will too probably. 2/3 men are not blk, but my fiance is 1/2 blk + 1/2 puerto rican just like me. but the other 2 let me know that's why. plus my weight lmaooo. he tried to fuck again after HS though. all of them did. still fat, always been "attractive" though. still "friends" with the girl, she had a kid and changed somewhat but STILL, Pepperidge Farm remembers!). he told them that i was threatening to kill myself when he didn't speak to me (lie, don't do that to anyone. that shit isn't a game, been done to me) plus i even got him the iPhone 14 Plus he's using prly using to cheat on me (never has before and rejected all women who tried him supposedly, but just weird vibes) under MY name and contract, plus saved the bill $200+. he claimed/said bullshit that wasn't fair or true.
i was emotionally held hostage (he was the one threatening suicide often, blowing up, and just being an asshole and not keeping promises) ever since we met/have been together (2 months ago yesterday!!!) he lost his grandpa and old gang friend last week, got locked up for 2 days on parole violation (was false, i made document proving it, sent them to his lawyer and mom who hate me so much for "abusing" him and they said it was good but told him to tell me to fuck off and not text me them anymore) they said he doesn't need cops showing up; he was going to kill himself three times (including his uncle's old pistol i had them take, mom had no idea but then learned) and i called for a wellness check twice. which i HATE cops, but guess what? he was my fiance and promised me he loved me and wouldn't hurt me and seemed to love me. said he wanted to live too. i did everything humanly possibly to show him i loved him. including validate him/talk to him 24/7 cause he wanted me to cause he likes "clingy"??? lmao i don't but still did. lost a lot of sleep too.
his mom is an abusive bitch too. hitting, financial, emotional, etc. so he claims. he's a codependent mama's boy who had one other relationship and assaulted the girl (he's younger than me [20] she was even older than me, i don't even date younger than 2 years from me, or from the hospital!!! especially agree to move that fast. told him upfront and made an "exception" exactly what i get lmaoooo). she did SA/abuse him and cheated too allegedly. saw his face during sex/a mark on his penis and genuinely believe him and most survivors, as well as the way he acts/is damaged. but again, don't know what to believe. he has an intellectual disability. always assured him he was smart and capable though. he tells wrong info/can't recall/retain well, plus bipolar type 2. what a man!!! oh and guess what? i gave him the phone that he's probably cheating on me rn with too!! 2nd time with legal contracts in MY name, specifically a phone. don't do that/lend money y'all!!! he paid me for the downpayment/money i spent when i asked. but i also spent an extra $230+ on 1 whole outfit (a Calvin Klein underwear 3-pack too), a stuffed animal, a 40 oz Hydroflask, a phone case, and food too.
thought he loved me. i needed him the most rn. as soon as he got the phone/out of lock up he changed. his mom warned meeeee lmao. he's always the victim. blocked him earlier though and have been sobbing then numb af.
also, even better? my fam is still abusive and warned me about him. but they don't give a fuck about me either. been super sick, why? PROBABLY 4 WEEKS WITH HIS CHILD. 80% chance. i have PCOS and asked my OBG nurse before we had sex and after, the ONE TIME( at his mom's house which i told him bad shit would happen) bc he's "inexperienced" which he def was. we tried again another time (with brand new condoms/i tried to show him some tips, but he couldn't find the hole. he is pretty big too. gotta find a ride to clinic/OBG next week to maybe find out. again, PCOS plus PMDD too is a bitch! mom was gonna take me, but if she says one more thing i'm gonna kick her ass and end up locked up too!!! no mental health support despite a literal 10 person consult with 2 mental health agencies i've known since age 16 (adult mental health sucks ass y'all) about how to help me (mom was there too, very next day gaslighted me about possibly being preg) NO ONE HAS CALLED ME BACK IN 3 DAYS. even when i told them the emergency below.
had to get an emergency restraining order from this narc from recent past (5 months ago) who started bugging me again (also admitted/faced the fact SA'd me most of the 2 years, not fond of "no" and he enjoyed the pain he caused me. especially an*lly. would take off condoms too bc he "wanted to trap me with a kid" his words, looks like someone beat him to it!!) his dad who told ME to call him, and his mom who i DM'd in the first place to avoid the order, originally told him to leave me alone and had my "back"? changed their tune and are saying i'm lying/harassing THEM now. called twice about the order he ENCOURAGED. and once to text it was being served late today (was supposed to be yesterday, court clerk yelled at me for HER mistake) lots of proof for everything.
i could maybe deal. but still, sleepless. and there's this guy who wanders around my rez (mental health "transitional" home i'm at cause homeless technically again with no good service/no wifi in a sketchy area) late at night drunk. tried to get in my room 3 late nights in a row. but he eventually stopped!!! :-) there are 3
other decent people here. he might've heard my ex fiance on the phone too. but the rez? told me to buy a pocket knife/pepper spray and put it under my pillow. and the others have complained about him for less (stealing/drinking excessively)
been harassed by at least 5 people (3 people i know) virtually in a sexual/stalking manner in the past 24 hrs. deleted all but tiktok and instagram and blocked all the h8rs/stalkers. ex fiance too: i get paid my SSDI ($1,343) on Friday (the 2nd). but have to be here for court the 13th.
i've been r worded too many times to count before and have a history of abuse/hospitalizations/mental health (who wouldn't right? especially after all that) i have BPD/CPTSD from it, and still loved others more than myself. i'm doneeee. if i'm gonna do this, i'm looking for SN or a more sure method like that (s/o the people who got it before and made the news sincerely r.i.p but it made it hard to get it) cause if i survive an attempt, i'm sure this baby that might be in me might die and i could be locked away for months. was just inpatient twice, once for 24 hours once for 2 weeks, abused and told i'm a monster for having bpd and to let "actual people who suffer get help"????
have no reason left. i'm all alone, preg, and could be m*rdered, where's the SN at!? could get better maybe but don't see how. not in my state at least. no current degree/job either ATM. but good transcripts/GPA. maybe my uncle from my dad's side would have me come out to Cali and stay with him for a bit before i could get my own place... but don't talk to my dad anymore and would need uncle's number (could ask brother thru text) and my uncle's permission and why would he help me!? he's my dads brother and barely knew me. but he does love me and i saw him in March for dad's wedding where he was a dick so maybe. safe, lovely, kind older gay veteran black man. might as well give it a try. but have to be here til 13th. but preg, 24 year old with no bb daddy and abusive mom dad and bro/no friends? everyone loves how i make them feel, especiallyyyy during sex. not who i am. no one will ever love me. tried. fiance (only relationship ever and ended in 2 months with yesterday being the 2 month anniversary, healthy right!?) proved it.
i miss him so bad. been 5+!hours. blocked him everywhere though. but his friends could be creeping.
brother and mom called me stupid and blamed me for stalker AND ex fiance, and then got mad at me when i told them to stop/stood up for myself. constant abuse. maybe a new life with a kid elsewhere? maybe SN. or other method. idk. i'm hopeless rn. thanks for coming to my to TED talk though!!!
had a fiance who went thru exact same trauma in life and was my exact same me but in a male body. loved him, he seemed to/DID honestly genuinely love me but he's sick and he took it out on me. plus told his mom/lawyer i'm abusive/they think that at least (has a DV charge and history of aggression/possibly gang related murder, mostly PTSD from being abused which "made him do it". which i'm just as fucked up but have never hurt anyone except for one fight years ago in high school, after being hit in the face with a ball and told to kill myself, after 4 years of harassment, which one of them doing it was my "ex bestfriend"/first love and hated me for no reason because this girl told him a lie/he picked a skinny white girl. just for being skinny and white??? hates himself that much over me, just like narc mentioned later did, and ex fiance will too probably. 2/3 men are not blk, but my fiance is 1/2 blk + 1/2 puerto rican just like me. but the other 2 let me know that's why. plus my weight lmaooo. he tried to fuck again after HS though. all of them did. still fat, always been "attractive" though. still "friends" with the girl, she had a kid and changed somewhat but STILL, Pepperidge Farm remembers!). he told them that i was threatening to kill myself when he didn't speak to me (lie, don't do that to anyone. that shit isn't a game, been done to me) plus i even got him the iPhone 14 Plus he's using prly using to cheat on me (never has before and rejected all women who tried him supposedly, but just weird vibes) under MY name and contract, plus saved the bill $200+. he claimed/said bullshit that wasn't fair or true.
i was emotionally held hostage (he was the one threatening suicide often, blowing up, and just being an asshole and not keeping promises) ever since we met/have been together (2 months ago yesterday!!!) he lost his grandpa and old gang friend last week, got locked up for 2 days on parole violation (was false, i made document proving it, sent them to his lawyer and mom who hate me so much for "abusing" him and they said it was good but told him to tell me to fuck off and not text me them anymore) they said he doesn't need cops showing up; he was going to kill himself three times (including his uncle's old pistol i had them take, mom had no idea but then learned) and i called for a wellness check twice. which i HATE cops, but guess what? he was my fiance and promised me he loved me and wouldn't hurt me and seemed to love me. said he wanted to live too. i did everything humanly possibly to show him i loved him. including validate him/talk to him 24/7 cause he wanted me to cause he likes "clingy"??? lmao i don't but still did. lost a lot of sleep too.
his mom is an abusive bitch too. hitting, financial, emotional, etc. so he claims. he's a codependent mama's boy who had one other relationship and assaulted the girl (he's younger than me [20] she was even older than me, i don't even date younger than 2 years from me, or from the hospital!!! especially agree to move that fast. told him upfront and made an "exception" exactly what i get lmaoooo). she did SA/abuse him and cheated too allegedly. saw his face during sex/a mark on his penis and genuinely believe him and most survivors, as well as the way he acts/is damaged. but again, don't know what to believe. he has an intellectual disability. always assured him he was smart and capable though. he tells wrong info/can't recall/retain well, plus bipolar type 2. what a man!!! oh and guess what? i gave him the phone that he's probably cheating on me rn with too!! 2nd time with legal contracts in MY name, specifically a phone. don't do that/lend money y'all!!! he paid me for the downpayment/money i spent when i asked. but i also spent an extra $230+ on 1 whole outfit (a Calvin Klein underwear 3-pack too), a stuffed animal, a 40 oz Hydroflask, a phone case, and food too.
thought he loved me. i needed him the most rn. as soon as he got the phone/out of lock up he changed. his mom warned meeeee lmao. he's always the victim. blocked him earlier though and have been sobbing then numb af.
also, even better? my fam is still abusive and warned me about him. but they don't give a fuck about me either. been super sick, why? PROBABLY 4 WEEKS WITH HIS CHILD. 80% chance. i have PCOS and asked my OBG nurse before we had sex and after, the ONE TIME( at his mom's house which i told him bad shit would happen) bc he's "inexperienced" which he def was. we tried again another time (with brand new condoms/i tried to show him some tips, but he couldn't find the hole. he is pretty big too. gotta find a ride to clinic/OBG next week to maybe find out. again, PCOS plus PMDD too is a bitch! mom was gonna take me, but if she says one more thing i'm gonna kick her ass and end up locked up too!!! no mental health support despite a literal 10 person consult with 2 mental health agencies i've known since age 16 (adult mental health sucks ass y'all) about how to help me (mom was there too, very next day gaslighted me about possibly being preg) NO ONE HAS CALLED ME BACK IN 3 DAYS. even when i told them the emergency below.
had to get an emergency restraining order from this narc from recent past (5 months ago) who started bugging me again (also admitted/faced the fact SA'd me most of the 2 years, not fond of "no" and he enjoyed the pain he caused me. especially an*lly. would take off condoms too bc he "wanted to trap me with a kid" his words, looks like someone beat him to it!!) his dad who told ME to call him, and his mom who i DM'd in the first place to avoid the order, originally told him to leave me alone and had my "back"? changed their tune and are saying i'm lying/harassing THEM now. called twice about the order he ENCOURAGED. and once to text it was being served late today (was supposed to be yesterday, court clerk yelled at me for HER mistake) lots of proof for everything.
i could maybe deal. but still, sleepless. and there's this guy who wanders around my rez (mental health "transitional" home i'm at cause homeless technically again with no good service/no wifi in a sketchy area) late at night drunk. tried to get in my room 3 late nights in a row. but he eventually stopped!!! :-) there are 3
other decent people here. he might've heard my ex fiance on the phone too. but the rez? told me to buy a pocket knife/pepper spray and put it under my pillow. and the others have complained about him for less (stealing/drinking excessively)
been harassed by at least 5 people (3 people i know) virtually in a sexual/stalking manner in the past 24 hrs. deleted all but tiktok and instagram and blocked all the h8rs/stalkers. ex fiance too: i get paid my SSDI ($1,343) on Friday (the 2nd). but have to be here for court the 13th.
i've been r worded too many times to count before and have a history of abuse/hospitalizations/mental health (who wouldn't right? especially after all that) i have BPD/CPTSD from it, and still loved others more than myself. i'm doneeee. if i'm gonna do this, i'm looking for SN or a more sure method like that (s/o the people who got it before and made the news sincerely r.i.p but it made it hard to get it) cause if i survive an attempt, i'm sure this baby that might be in me might die and i could be locked away for months. was just inpatient twice, once for 24 hours once for 2 weeks, abused and told i'm a monster for having bpd and to let "actual people who suffer get help"????
have no reason left. i'm all alone, preg, and could be m*rdered, where's the SN at!? could get better maybe but don't see how. not in my state at least. no current degree/job either ATM. but good transcripts/GPA. maybe my uncle from my dad's side would have me come out to Cali and stay with him for a bit before i could get my own place... but don't talk to my dad anymore and would need uncle's number (could ask brother thru text) and my uncle's permission and why would he help me!? he's my dads brother and barely knew me. but he does love me and i saw him in March for dad's wedding where he was a dick so maybe. safe, lovely, kind older gay veteran black man. might as well give it a try. but have to be here til 13th. but preg, 24 year old with no bb daddy and abusive mom dad and bro/no friends? everyone loves how i make them feel, especiallyyyy during sex. not who i am. no one will ever love me. tried. fiance (only relationship ever and ended in 2 months with yesterday being the 2 month anniversary, healthy right!?) proved it.
i miss him so bad. been 5+!hours. blocked him everywhere though. but his friends could be creeping.
brother and mom called me stupid and blamed me for stalker AND ex fiance, and then got mad at me when i told them to stop/stood up for myself. constant abuse. maybe a new life with a kid elsewhere? maybe SN. or other method. idk. i'm hopeless rn. thanks for coming to my to TED talk though!!!
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