I'm not sure how many days now that I haven't eaten. I'm guessing about 5. Just no appetite. I've tried, but only twice I ate a few bites only to throw up. I really don't want to live. All the abuse I went through have made me sad, mad, depressed, defiant, vulnerable, just a mess. Even if I could escape my present tormentors and past I really don't fit in society. Growing up I was proud to be American, trusted the government & media, forced into religion where as a kid I went door to door & even gave sermons in front of the congregation. I was well versed & quote chapter & verse. I would always lean towards the Republican party. Today I realized that my pride being American is mostly from indoctrination from forced pledge of allegiance, cold war propaganda, anti-communism, etc. I don't dislike being American, but I know there are things my country has done that I don't agree with & think is criminal. USA isn't the only one. All countries have similar history. Media is supposed to be investigated, sourced, reported honestly in a objective manner. Nowhere close today. It's either promoting the left or right interests. No matter what side your on, politicians are crooked and do whatever they want. All religions are man made. I don't disbelieve in god, I just don't fall for the bullshit of God told me but he won't tell you, have faith bull shit. No man speaks for God. If a god want worship then they wouldn't use a liason. Christians are the worst. As child I was a Bible thumper. Most adult, you believe yours, I believe mine. Leave me alone, I leave you alone, respect those actually following theirs. Hated hypocrite. Past few years after being hounded by Christians, politely asking to stop only to get an aggressive response. I really dislike them & get angered when they try pushing it. So much disinformation online. I don't believe conspiracy nuts. I'm lonely, but I'm distrustful of letting someone in. I'm good with being a loner, but I miss the ideal of having a genuine friendship or a loving relationship with a relative. Not going to happen, since Noone can be honest. I'm not perfect & have a ton of regrets. I'm floode with thoughts & emotions being hard on myself for my own failures & all the times I've been wronged. Sorry to ramble & I don't care about grammar either. Why do am I so conflicted with getting it done? I desire death so intensely than why is it so physically troublesome in completing. I know about SI. I am getting closer & hopefully I'm dying naturally now.
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