Dear SS friends,
I want to start by saying how thankful I am for this forum and community. When I feel I have lost everyone and everything - it is the only thing that has kept me going for months.
Even though I only recently "officially" joined I have been silently participating by observing, empathizing, and taking guidance from the forum.
How I wish we could meet in person.
So many of us share common pain and suffering.
I often wonder what it would've been like to have been born into a family/circle that understands/holds me the way I feel understood/held by the shared experiences of this community.
I wanted to share my experience in the hopes that it may help someone else make an informed choice…and also because I haven't seen much listed about the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge in Taos, New Mexico on the site.. so I wanted to provide some insight…
I am a 38 year old female from the Southeast US. I have bipolar and BPD, and after my first impulsive attempt (suffocation) failed and resulted in a hospital stay - I vowed I would thoroughly research my next attempt.
I chose the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge in New Mexico because I felt it was a viable option for various reasons:
1) No tall fencing - fencing is about 4 feet and pedestrians ARE allowed on the bridge openly.. it is one of the few bridges in the US where I found this to be the case - accessible fencing, right height, and pedestrian accessible!
It is quite easy to scale the fence if you are able to do so quickly AND get over SI
(which I ultimately wasn't
for a number of reasons..)
Although it is a pedestrian bridge and I spent a lot of time looking over the rail calculating my fall.. it also means you are sharing space with a lot of other people/tourists, couples and families also on the bridge.. and the bridge is still pretty active to vehicular traffic. a least one car per minute crossing over if not more.
It was a lot more active than I anticipated unfortunately.
Also - there is also a nearby rest area that is quite busy with sightseers and vendors.
That being said, despite numerous attempt visits at different times of day - I found it hard to scale the fence for fear of getting caught and detained, traumatizing others, having enough time to get over SI.. etc
I also tried going at night with no one around but my SI wouldn't even let me get out of the car to get on the bridge.
fml.. it was the darkest pitch of black I have ever seen.. with cars still crossing over. I felt for sure that someone would stop and try to capture me before I could scale the fence.. why else would someone be on that bridge at night. Too obvious.
2) Limited patrolling
They have a sad excuse for a security guard (who doesn't leave his car for his entire shift) at the nearby gorge rest station. Every time I passed him his head was down in his phone not paying attention to anything or anyone at all.
So basically no patrolling.. and even if they did see you trying to scale the fence, assuming you were quick enough - they wouldn't be able to get to you in time either on foot or by car.
Unless you hesitated of course… and got stuck half way through..
I visited the site no less than 7 times over a course of a week and no one - not the vendors selling items or the guard seemed to notice my coming and going, oftentimes multiple times a day wearing the same clothes..
3) Approved height (600 feet)..it's definitely high enough to CTB and there have been numerous fatalities over the years. I did a lot of research and although they have hidden some names I was able to find the names of some women around my age who I identified with.. I researched them, felt for them, left flowers at their memorials in understanding of our shared pain. One was a young mother of three…
- Taos is far from my family and everyone I know… I thought being far away would make it easier… I also love the stark beauty of New Mexico..
I did a lot of research on this option before choosing to fly half way across the country and yet I still couldn't bring myself to do it.
A note on SI while jumping - I wanted to share the absolutely horrific coming and goings of the mind.
This was the first time I experienced SI to this extent - it was wild.
I have read here that SI is the strongest when jumping and now I understand why.
Especially from a height of 600 feet, your brain and body KNOWS it's guaranteed to CTB.
For the entire day while at the airbnb, and even driving up to the bridge I would feel SO sure, SO committed that today was the day I would CTB!
For months before, I also looked up the bridge to familiarize myself with every aspect of it.. so that there wouldn't be any surprises.
I would remind myself over and over - for hours on end - of all of the failings in my life and how there is no hope for me except for a life of loneliness and pain..
OF course this was the time to CTB. I just had to find the short window to do it in! Get a grip damnit.
But then, as soon as I got on the bridge and looked over - my body would just FREEZE.. I kept thinking this would go away, the more I visited the site and desensitized myself to it.. or if I waited until just before sunset when it was relatively empty.. but that wasn't the case. In some cases it got worse..
The thoughts going through my head would range from -
- this is such a beautiful site, how could I possibly do this here? God is showing me how beautiful life is, can't you see? You want to live!
- this is absolutely terrifying what were you thinking flying half way across the country you fool.
- how can you be so selfish and do this and traumatize others..especially families
with young children..
- think about the first responders and others that will be impacted by this.
- you are going to experience absolute terror every second on the way down which may feel like an eternity (from what I've read)
- you will never be released from your earthly suffering and will be damned to hell and repeated experience of falling to death for the rest of eternity (fear of judgement from God)
And then as soon as I would leave the bridge I would be determined to return the next day and try again… after day 7, I decided it was time to regroup and go home.
I am now looking into SN as a more humane way to CTB, I wish I had looked into it earlier but it seemed to be quite difficult to locate and requiring a lot of moving parts to get right. And I was running out of time - so jumping did seem like the right option at the time.
If I attempt jumping again, it will have to be at a much quieter location (Navajo Bridge in the US is another consideration), or from the balcony of a very tall hotel room.. where I have privacy if I hesitate and won't be detained..
I am now flying back home to regroup and figure out what my next attempt will be.
This was long, I know. I hope it helps someone contemplating the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge..and jumping in general.
I want to start by saying how thankful I am for this forum and community. When I feel I have lost everyone and everything - it is the only thing that has kept me going for months.
Even though I only recently "officially" joined I have been silently participating by observing, empathizing, and taking guidance from the forum.
How I wish we could meet in person.
So many of us share common pain and suffering.
I often wonder what it would've been like to have been born into a family/circle that understands/holds me the way I feel understood/held by the shared experiences of this community.
I wanted to share my experience in the hopes that it may help someone else make an informed choice…and also because I haven't seen much listed about the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge in Taos, New Mexico on the site.. so I wanted to provide some insight…
I am a 38 year old female from the Southeast US. I have bipolar and BPD, and after my first impulsive attempt (suffocation) failed and resulted in a hospital stay - I vowed I would thoroughly research my next attempt.
I chose the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge in New Mexico because I felt it was a viable option for various reasons:
1) No tall fencing - fencing is about 4 feet and pedestrians ARE allowed on the bridge openly.. it is one of the few bridges in the US where I found this to be the case - accessible fencing, right height, and pedestrian accessible!
It is quite easy to scale the fence if you are able to do so quickly AND get over SI
(which I ultimately wasn't
for a number of reasons..)Although it is a pedestrian bridge and I spent a lot of time looking over the rail calculating my fall.. it also means you are sharing space with a lot of other people/tourists, couples and families also on the bridge.. and the bridge is still pretty active to vehicular traffic. a least one car per minute crossing over if not more.
It was a lot more active than I anticipated unfortunately.
Also - there is also a nearby rest area that is quite busy with sightseers and vendors.
That being said, despite numerous attempt visits at different times of day - I found it hard to scale the fence for fear of getting caught and detained, traumatizing others, having enough time to get over SI.. etc
I also tried going at night with no one around but my SI wouldn't even let me get out of the car to get on the bridge.
fml.. it was the darkest pitch of black I have ever seen.. with cars still crossing over. I felt for sure that someone would stop and try to capture me before I could scale the fence.. why else would someone be on that bridge at night. Too obvious.2) Limited patrolling
They have a sad excuse for a security guard (who doesn't leave his car for his entire shift) at the nearby gorge rest station. Every time I passed him his head was down in his phone not paying attention to anything or anyone at all.
So basically no patrolling.. and even if they did see you trying to scale the fence, assuming you were quick enough - they wouldn't be able to get to you in time either on foot or by car.
Unless you hesitated of course… and got stuck half way through..
I visited the site no less than 7 times over a course of a week and no one - not the vendors selling items or the guard seemed to notice my coming and going, oftentimes multiple times a day wearing the same clothes..
3) Approved height (600 feet)..it's definitely high enough to CTB and there have been numerous fatalities over the years. I did a lot of research and although they have hidden some names I was able to find the names of some women around my age who I identified with.. I researched them, felt for them, left flowers at their memorials in understanding of our shared pain. One was a young mother of three…
- Taos is far from my family and everyone I know… I thought being far away would make it easier… I also love the stark beauty of New Mexico..
I did a lot of research on this option before choosing to fly half way across the country and yet I still couldn't bring myself to do it.
A note on SI while jumping - I wanted to share the absolutely horrific coming and goings of the mind.
This was the first time I experienced SI to this extent - it was wild.
I have read here that SI is the strongest when jumping and now I understand why.
Especially from a height of 600 feet, your brain and body KNOWS it's guaranteed to CTB.
For the entire day while at the airbnb, and even driving up to the bridge I would feel SO sure, SO committed that today was the day I would CTB!
For months before, I also looked up the bridge to familiarize myself with every aspect of it.. so that there wouldn't be any surprises.
I would remind myself over and over - for hours on end - of all of the failings in my life and how there is no hope for me except for a life of loneliness and pain..
OF course this was the time to CTB. I just had to find the short window to do it in! Get a grip damnit.
But then, as soon as I got on the bridge and looked over - my body would just FREEZE.. I kept thinking this would go away, the more I visited the site and desensitized myself to it.. or if I waited until just before sunset when it was relatively empty.. but that wasn't the case. In some cases it got worse..
The thoughts going through my head would range from -
- this is such a beautiful site, how could I possibly do this here? God is showing me how beautiful life is, can't you see? You want to live!
- this is absolutely terrifying what were you thinking flying half way across the country you fool.
- how can you be so selfish and do this and traumatize others..especially families
with young children..
- think about the first responders and others that will be impacted by this.
- you are going to experience absolute terror every second on the way down which may feel like an eternity (from what I've read)
- you will never be released from your earthly suffering and will be damned to hell and repeated experience of falling to death for the rest of eternity (fear of judgement from God)
And then as soon as I would leave the bridge I would be determined to return the next day and try again… after day 7, I decided it was time to regroup and go home.
I am now looking into SN as a more humane way to CTB, I wish I had looked into it earlier but it seemed to be quite difficult to locate and requiring a lot of moving parts to get right. And I was running out of time - so jumping did seem like the right option at the time.
If I attempt jumping again, it will have to be at a much quieter location (Navajo Bridge in the US is another consideration), or from the balcony of a very tall hotel room.. where I have privacy if I hesitate and won't be detained..
I am now flying back home to regroup and figure out what my next attempt will be.
This was long, I know. I hope it helps someone contemplating the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge..and jumping in general.
—it's been rough. I hope that in the near future there is an easier and more humane way to go about this..
