DeadSpaceEnthusiast
Average Dead Space Enthusiast
- Jan 2, 2024
- 25
A while back I had announced I was going to end it. That attempt, along with many other attempts I made before it, failed. I really thought it was going to be the one, but I was wrong. Every time I go over the bridge rail, i just look, think, and then cower and leave. I thought it would've been different that time, but it didn't happen.
I left for Navy basic training the day after, where I had many backup plans. I'd either ctb during the small arms training, after I graduated, or just stay in and sabatoge my life and the dreams I may have had. None of those plans went through. On the 8th week of training it was found out that I was self-harming with a knife I stole from the galley. I was put into separations, stayed for a few weeks at a psych ward, then was sent home. Now, I don't know what to do.
I'm being told to seek help, but I don't trust it. It is my choice to end the life of this useless mind and body. But I feel like I'm being told that I don't have a choice. I'm told its selfish. That I should think about everyone I know and how "painful" it would be. That I need to be in a "good headspace". I'm fucking tired of it. It pisses me off, though I'm more pissed that I was too much of a coward to go through with it in the first place. Maybe if I had done it, or was smarter during basic training, I wouldn't be back home right now being told to get the "help" that I "need". What a fucking joke.
Just wanted to get that all off my chest. I haven't posted here in a bit either, and I felt bad that I didn't go through with my last CTB attempt despite saying my goodbyes to this forum and being sure it was going to be the one. I feel ashamed. But it's whatever. I just wish it was easier to go through with the decision.
I left for Navy basic training the day after, where I had many backup plans. I'd either ctb during the small arms training, after I graduated, or just stay in and sabatoge my life and the dreams I may have had. None of those plans went through. On the 8th week of training it was found out that I was self-harming with a knife I stole from the galley. I was put into separations, stayed for a few weeks at a psych ward, then was sent home. Now, I don't know what to do.
I'm being told to seek help, but I don't trust it. It is my choice to end the life of this useless mind and body. But I feel like I'm being told that I don't have a choice. I'm told its selfish. That I should think about everyone I know and how "painful" it would be. That I need to be in a "good headspace". I'm fucking tired of it. It pisses me off, though I'm more pissed that I was too much of a coward to go through with it in the first place. Maybe if I had done it, or was smarter during basic training, I wouldn't be back home right now being told to get the "help" that I "need". What a fucking joke.
Just wanted to get that all off my chest. I haven't posted here in a bit either, and I felt bad that I didn't go through with my last CTB attempt despite saying my goodbyes to this forum and being sure it was going to be the one. I feel ashamed. But it's whatever. I just wish it was easier to go through with the decision.
