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- Feb 12, 2023
- 99
i can't remember if i ever posted an update about my most recent attempt and i'm too lazy to check.
earlier this month i attempted ctb by partial hanging. obviously, i failed lol. just thought i'd share what happened and how everything felt.
i was expecting to black out quickly or after a bit of discomfort, but i'm positive i did something wrong lmao because it was nothing like that. my setup was fine, i think i had a hard time finding the right place in my neck to push down on.
setup:
i used a belt from a fuzzy bathrobe. it was super soft, a little thick, and was getting the job done. i was afraid the knot wouldn't hold, but it was very sturdy! i actually had trouble undoing it when i got home from the hospital. i considered cutting it, lol. plus, it doesn't burn or dig into the skin like ropes or leather belts would.
i tied that into a noose, tied it around a dresser i have... idk how to describe it, it's a dresser but on the top it has an empty section to use as a shelf? and there are bars on each corner of the empty space. i tied my noose around those bars.
i forgot to take a sedative as i had initially planned. i did have this method planned out, but not for that moment. this attempt was, for the most part, impulsive. but my mind was still clear.
after setting everything up, i sent texts to my friends, wrote a physical note to my family. my entire family was sleeping, but i put three large boxes in front of my door just in case (the lock on my door is broken.)
the attempt
for starters, i was struggling to get a good position. i was hanging in an awkward, sorta cramped spot, so i was limited. i could still notice myself breathing a tiny bit in most of the positions, or when i relaxed my body, the noose would slide into a different spot on my neck because of the angle or something.
after a bit of that dumbassery, i did find an ideal position. my body wouldn't move out of place and i couldn't breathe at all.
i felt really anxious and sad at the beginning, but that quickly went away when the lightheaded feeling began to hit. before, all i could think about was my fear of dying and how much i wanted to live. after a moment, i just felt at peace. i could only think about how all of the pain would be over and all my worries would be gone. i can't really remember the last time i felt that euphoric.
it didn't feel like a high. yes, i was becoming lightheaded, but i still felt very much myself and clear headed. it wasn't some euphoric high, i was just genuinely happy that i wouldn't be suffering anymore.
obviously, i couldn't breath and i my vision blurred before going completely dark, which was scary, but it didn't really affect anything. as i was nearing unconsciousness, everything just became so painful. i was initially worried that the pain in my throat would be what got to me, but that wasn't as terrible as i thought it would be. it was everything else.
my head hurt so bad. i've dealt with horrible migraines since i was young, but this topped all of it. i can't even describe it, the head pain was excruciating. my eyes hurt and felt weird, too. it just felt as if a ton of pressure was being put on them. i genuinely believed that my eyes were about to pop out of my head. and it felt as if i was being submerged in water... like my ears felt full?? i'm sorry, i'm awful at describing things.
my entire body felt very weak, but i could still move, of course. i forced my body in a position where i was no longer choking and i nearly puked from the pain.
then, i got back into position and tried again.
i repeated that like 2 more times, lol.
my brother knocked on my door. i think he knocked quite a few times, but my hearing was so muffled. i clearly heard him when i was pulling away from the noose again.
he was trying to push the door open, but was met with a stack of boxes, of course.
i eventually pulled my head out of the noose completely and got up to talk to him. i could barely walk, i thought i was going to fall over.
i told him to wait a second and i just kinda stood in my room thinking about what to do
i ended up asking him to take me to the ER and i bawled my eyes out the entire way there :,)
he didn't ask me anything, he just took me without question, which i appreciated. i definitely wasn't in a state to have a conversation, anyways. i could hardly interact with the nurses at the ER.
but i'll briefly touch on the ER experience now. i'll probably discuss the actual mental hospital at a different time because that's it's own fucking situation lol.
the ER was okay, every nurse was so kind and understanding. i couldn't stop apologizing for my incoherent bawling, but they didn't get frustrated. some of their language was pretty infantilizing, but i could get over it. i know they meant well + i was sobbing and babbling like an idiot lmao. after i calmed down, they did start talking to me like a was an adult. they were still very sweet and kind, just not using toddler language
they acknowledged the fresh cuts on my wrists but didn't treat them. they just stuck my bandaids back on, lol.
they kept me in a room with completely see-through walls. there were curtains, but they had to remain opened. they kept the door open, too. a security guard had to watch me 24/7 which made me feel very uncomfortable, but i understood their protocol.
probably tmi, but they took like 2 or 3 pee samples and they took so much blood from me, i felt lightheaded again. the nurse even said she was taking extra "just in case" they left with like 7 (give or take) vials of my blood.
i spent the night in the ER before being transported to a separate mental hospital where i was put on a 3-day hold.
sorry this was probably lengthier than it should've been, but thank you if you read any part of it. i'm still pissed at myself for chickening out of my attempt, but oh well.
earlier this month i attempted ctb by partial hanging. obviously, i failed lol. just thought i'd share what happened and how everything felt.
i was expecting to black out quickly or after a bit of discomfort, but i'm positive i did something wrong lmao because it was nothing like that. my setup was fine, i think i had a hard time finding the right place in my neck to push down on.
setup:
i used a belt from a fuzzy bathrobe. it was super soft, a little thick, and was getting the job done. i was afraid the knot wouldn't hold, but it was very sturdy! i actually had trouble undoing it when i got home from the hospital. i considered cutting it, lol. plus, it doesn't burn or dig into the skin like ropes or leather belts would.
i tied that into a noose, tied it around a dresser i have... idk how to describe it, it's a dresser but on the top it has an empty section to use as a shelf? and there are bars on each corner of the empty space. i tied my noose around those bars.
i forgot to take a sedative as i had initially planned. i did have this method planned out, but not for that moment. this attempt was, for the most part, impulsive. but my mind was still clear.
after setting everything up, i sent texts to my friends, wrote a physical note to my family. my entire family was sleeping, but i put three large boxes in front of my door just in case (the lock on my door is broken.)
the attempt
for starters, i was struggling to get a good position. i was hanging in an awkward, sorta cramped spot, so i was limited. i could still notice myself breathing a tiny bit in most of the positions, or when i relaxed my body, the noose would slide into a different spot on my neck because of the angle or something.
after a bit of that dumbassery, i did find an ideal position. my body wouldn't move out of place and i couldn't breathe at all.
i felt really anxious and sad at the beginning, but that quickly went away when the lightheaded feeling began to hit. before, all i could think about was my fear of dying and how much i wanted to live. after a moment, i just felt at peace. i could only think about how all of the pain would be over and all my worries would be gone. i can't really remember the last time i felt that euphoric.
it didn't feel like a high. yes, i was becoming lightheaded, but i still felt very much myself and clear headed. it wasn't some euphoric high, i was just genuinely happy that i wouldn't be suffering anymore.
obviously, i couldn't breath and i my vision blurred before going completely dark, which was scary, but it didn't really affect anything. as i was nearing unconsciousness, everything just became so painful. i was initially worried that the pain in my throat would be what got to me, but that wasn't as terrible as i thought it would be. it was everything else.
my head hurt so bad. i've dealt with horrible migraines since i was young, but this topped all of it. i can't even describe it, the head pain was excruciating. my eyes hurt and felt weird, too. it just felt as if a ton of pressure was being put on them. i genuinely believed that my eyes were about to pop out of my head. and it felt as if i was being submerged in water... like my ears felt full?? i'm sorry, i'm awful at describing things.
my entire body felt very weak, but i could still move, of course. i forced my body in a position where i was no longer choking and i nearly puked from the pain.
then, i got back into position and tried again.
i repeated that like 2 more times, lol.
my brother knocked on my door. i think he knocked quite a few times, but my hearing was so muffled. i clearly heard him when i was pulling away from the noose again.
he was trying to push the door open, but was met with a stack of boxes, of course.
i eventually pulled my head out of the noose completely and got up to talk to him. i could barely walk, i thought i was going to fall over.
i told him to wait a second and i just kinda stood in my room thinking about what to do
i ended up asking him to take me to the ER and i bawled my eyes out the entire way there :,)
he didn't ask me anything, he just took me without question, which i appreciated. i definitely wasn't in a state to have a conversation, anyways. i could hardly interact with the nurses at the ER.
but i'll briefly touch on the ER experience now. i'll probably discuss the actual mental hospital at a different time because that's it's own fucking situation lol.
the ER was okay, every nurse was so kind and understanding. i couldn't stop apologizing for my incoherent bawling, but they didn't get frustrated. some of their language was pretty infantilizing, but i could get over it. i know they meant well + i was sobbing and babbling like an idiot lmao. after i calmed down, they did start talking to me like a was an adult. they were still very sweet and kind, just not using toddler language
they acknowledged the fresh cuts on my wrists but didn't treat them. they just stuck my bandaids back on, lol.
they kept me in a room with completely see-through walls. there were curtains, but they had to remain opened. they kept the door open, too. a security guard had to watch me 24/7 which made me feel very uncomfortable, but i understood their protocol.
probably tmi, but they took like 2 or 3 pee samples
and they took so much blood from me, i felt lightheaded again. the nurse even said she was taking extra "just in case" they left with like 7 (give or take) vials of my blood.i spent the night in the ER before being transported to a separate mental hospital where i was put on a 3-day hold.
sorry this was probably lengthier than it should've been, but thank you if you read any part of it. i'm still pissed at myself for chickening out of my attempt, but oh well.
