frommolecules2stars
Born, survive, reproduce, die.
- Dec 23, 2024
- 133
My plan was to just play things off as normal, as any rational and motivated-enough suicidal person does. I would slowly change my personality and behavior to be more cynical and reclusive as to not come off as severely depressed and preparing for suicide.
People around me know I'm depressed. But they think if I was gonna ctb, I would have done it by now. I need them to still think that. I need to play the role as someone who is depressed, but will keep living.
I've been skipping so many classes and just laying around all day. Unable to take real showers, unable to do chores, unable to interact with the world. Clear signs of severe depression. I suppose if I make this my average behavior my family and friends still won't suspect anything.
But.. it's backfiring. Mainly about college. I'm transferring to a university that I will be able to get my own dorm room. And it's a good university, ones with a lot of expectations. If I can't pass these classes I'm taking now, my acceptance might be rescinded. If I don't do all of the responsibilities of an incoming transfer student, same thing.
But as someone with 0 motivation to live on top of ADHD, how do I do these responsibilities? I need to get out the house just in case I receive a welfare check for ordering SN. I need privacy to hide more things from my mom. I need further separation between myself and my family to be sure I have high chances of succeeding with ctb.
Trying to gain the motivation by focusing on my eventual ctb doesn't work. The feelings of dysphoria and watching the world fall apart prevent me from doing that. Sometimes it just feels like way too much work and organization just to get this done.. sometimes I rather just lay somewhere and rot away. But that isn't an option.
I really do envy the people who just get to die randomly. Especially the ones who are not suicidal. It's not fair to them, not fair to us. But life is just pure randomness so there's no point to stew on it. Can't control what happens to you. I do also think of just putting myself in dangerous situations, but that has never been a part of my behavior and it would take years just for my mom to see it as recklessness. She knows I'm not reckless like that. She would know I'm doing it to ctb.
Shit sucks. I just have to power through it like I always do. Go through the motions like a robot. Pretend to care about life. Pretend to care about others. Pretend to be someone I'm not.
People around me know I'm depressed. But they think if I was gonna ctb, I would have done it by now. I need them to still think that. I need to play the role as someone who is depressed, but will keep living.
I've been skipping so many classes and just laying around all day. Unable to take real showers, unable to do chores, unable to interact with the world. Clear signs of severe depression. I suppose if I make this my average behavior my family and friends still won't suspect anything.
But.. it's backfiring. Mainly about college. I'm transferring to a university that I will be able to get my own dorm room. And it's a good university, ones with a lot of expectations. If I can't pass these classes I'm taking now, my acceptance might be rescinded. If I don't do all of the responsibilities of an incoming transfer student, same thing.
But as someone with 0 motivation to live on top of ADHD, how do I do these responsibilities? I need to get out the house just in case I receive a welfare check for ordering SN. I need privacy to hide more things from my mom. I need further separation between myself and my family to be sure I have high chances of succeeding with ctb.
Trying to gain the motivation by focusing on my eventual ctb doesn't work. The feelings of dysphoria and watching the world fall apart prevent me from doing that. Sometimes it just feels like way too much work and organization just to get this done.. sometimes I rather just lay somewhere and rot away. But that isn't an option.
I really do envy the people who just get to die randomly. Especially the ones who are not suicidal. It's not fair to them, not fair to us. But life is just pure randomness so there's no point to stew on it. Can't control what happens to you. I do also think of just putting myself in dangerous situations, but that has never been a part of my behavior and it would take years just for my mom to see it as recklessness. She knows I'm not reckless like that. She would know I'm doing it to ctb.
Shit sucks. I just have to power through it like I always do. Go through the motions like a robot. Pretend to care about life. Pretend to care about others. Pretend to be someone I'm not.
