annxietty
“Is there no way out of the mind?”
- Mar 27, 2023
- 150
I was on my path to recovery, I was so determined, thinking to myself "we are going to do this"... but then life happens again, is contantly happening, and its not even life, its ME the one thing I cant get away from without killing myself 100%...
Im going to therapy but have no meds, only Valium which I take everyday and it leaves me in a constant semi high state, the effects are getting worse, what before was a good high now its becoming a bad high (i dont know if im making myself clear here sorry)... what I noticed is, before with three valiums at once I reached my limit, then I would have to sleep or I would literally have blackouts, now if I take two too close to each other I need to sleep for at least 30 mins to be able to think straight... Its terrible cause instead of relaxed I feel completely aware of my state of mind but cant do anything about it, is like going crazy and knowing you are crazy but cant do anything about it, you are conscious, you realize what is happening, you KNOW, so you get anxious and get stressed, unable to change any fucking thing.
Therapy is not going bad, my therapist told me she was so surprised I could think this clearly and have this state of mind after all Ive been through, so surprised I could work where I used to work without having panic attacks... she says is very rare to see...
Well the main reason Im like this at the moment is because Im currently unemployed, I have some savings, but they are not going up, only down lol, and my sister... I was offered to work again in the same company as her and normally I would have said yes even not wanting to, but I decided to follow my heart, which was screaming in agony "dont do that!!" and said no. That was my last job, and the job itself was... well, working sucks, but it wasnt terrible idk... what was terrible was working in the same place as my sister even if we didnt work directly together... NOT ONCE I had received a complaint from either customers or other coworkers, but my sister would tell me at home "the customers say you are terrible, our coworker is tired of cleaning up your mess, you are not good for this job, in fact I dont think you should work in customer service"(90% of jobs here are customer service focused btw) (im being nice here, she talks in a much harsher way btw) I only answered "if anyone has a problem with my way of working they should come to ME not my fucking sister like im 8y or something, we all adults" and a huge argument would start... this was killing me and so I decided I would not work there anymore... they called me TWICE to work for them, my dad was furious I said no, he told me "fuck what your sister said, they called you TWICE!! you think that happens often?" my mom was also dissappointed "dont throw away oportunities because what others say... but I understand I guess" meanwhile I was kinda proud at myself for standing my ground and saying no for once... now Im furious, desperate, tired...
I have so much anger inside me, I hit myself, I cut myself, I blame myself, Ive never had a partner, its been almost 10 years since I had friends, I looked for help for so long, I looked at my mom she brushed me off, I went to my dad, got more trauma and suffering, now my sister is constantly angry at me for some reason, why am I not enough? why do I have to hate myself like this? why everyone is so sure of who they are and that what they are doing is the right thing meanwhile Im here worried about my mother, my father, my future, the world...?? didnt I deserve help? a hand in my shoulder, a hug... im broken, my therapist can say anything she wants and I think she is very nice, but I believe sometimes human beings get broken beyond repair, one day I will explode, then I will be alone because no one will want to stay with me, I would love to travel, and then die... I hate you all, I fucking hate you, take my suffering, my arms full of scars, all the bruises from punching myself, just because unlike you I have no one to hit only myself, you would get angry and hit me, insult me, make me feel like shit, i get angry I decide to keep my suffering to myself, hit only myself...
This is a fucking essay Im sorry, who ever reads all this wow, thanks, hope the world is treating you better but I doubt it, everything fucking sucks.
Im going to therapy but have no meds, only Valium which I take everyday and it leaves me in a constant semi high state, the effects are getting worse, what before was a good high now its becoming a bad high (i dont know if im making myself clear here sorry)... what I noticed is, before with three valiums at once I reached my limit, then I would have to sleep or I would literally have blackouts, now if I take two too close to each other I need to sleep for at least 30 mins to be able to think straight... Its terrible cause instead of relaxed I feel completely aware of my state of mind but cant do anything about it, is like going crazy and knowing you are crazy but cant do anything about it, you are conscious, you realize what is happening, you KNOW, so you get anxious and get stressed, unable to change any fucking thing.
Therapy is not going bad, my therapist told me she was so surprised I could think this clearly and have this state of mind after all Ive been through, so surprised I could work where I used to work without having panic attacks... she says is very rare to see...
Well the main reason Im like this at the moment is because Im currently unemployed, I have some savings, but they are not going up, only down lol, and my sister... I was offered to work again in the same company as her and normally I would have said yes even not wanting to, but I decided to follow my heart, which was screaming in agony "dont do that!!" and said no. That was my last job, and the job itself was... well, working sucks, but it wasnt terrible idk... what was terrible was working in the same place as my sister even if we didnt work directly together... NOT ONCE I had received a complaint from either customers or other coworkers, but my sister would tell me at home "the customers say you are terrible, our coworker is tired of cleaning up your mess, you are not good for this job, in fact I dont think you should work in customer service"(90% of jobs here are customer service focused btw) (im being nice here, she talks in a much harsher way btw) I only answered "if anyone has a problem with my way of working they should come to ME not my fucking sister like im 8y or something, we all adults" and a huge argument would start... this was killing me and so I decided I would not work there anymore... they called me TWICE to work for them, my dad was furious I said no, he told me "fuck what your sister said, they called you TWICE!! you think that happens often?" my mom was also dissappointed "dont throw away oportunities because what others say... but I understand I guess" meanwhile I was kinda proud at myself for standing my ground and saying no for once... now Im furious, desperate, tired...
I have so much anger inside me, I hit myself, I cut myself, I blame myself, Ive never had a partner, its been almost 10 years since I had friends, I looked for help for so long, I looked at my mom she brushed me off, I went to my dad, got more trauma and suffering, now my sister is constantly angry at me for some reason, why am I not enough? why do I have to hate myself like this? why everyone is so sure of who they are and that what they are doing is the right thing meanwhile Im here worried about my mother, my father, my future, the world...?? didnt I deserve help? a hand in my shoulder, a hug... im broken, my therapist can say anything she wants and I think she is very nice, but I believe sometimes human beings get broken beyond repair, one day I will explode, then I will be alone because no one will want to stay with me, I would love to travel, and then die... I hate you all, I fucking hate you, take my suffering, my arms full of scars, all the bruises from punching myself, just because unlike you I have no one to hit only myself, you would get angry and hit me, insult me, make me feel like shit, i get angry I decide to keep my suffering to myself, hit only myself...
This is a fucking essay Im sorry, who ever reads all this wow, thanks, hope the world is treating you better but I doubt it, everything fucking sucks.
