Venting falling out with my only friend and i dont know what more to do for my life

[gh0ulxx8]

hi, first post

im starting to feel hopeless with him. i have no other friends or family but i feel like he doesn't really care about that. he thinks that his friends are my friends when that just isn't the case, i already know for a fact that they dont like me when its 1 on 1. they're definitely not people i can reach out to for help. i had a big conversation with him a few weeks ago about everything i've been feeling for a long time, that i feel like he doesn't show up for me, that i feel like his actions tell me he doesn't care about me the way i feel a friend should, he doesn't ever seem to think about me just for the sake of it (he only buys me gifts for christmas or birthdays or i if i literally were to say "can you buy this for me" which like. doesn't really count as a gift you know) (he sees videos/posts of my interests on his page and doesn't even consider to show them to me it seems). and i just feel like i do SO MUCH to show him i care about him and i get so much apathy back from him. and in this convo he seemed to confirm exactly that, idk, he just said things like "sure i like hanging out with you but i dont really care whether im hanging out with you or being by myself" and i dont know how to cope with that. idk how to cope with a friend of 8 years giving me so much of nothing. even to say he doesn't really care whether he's hanging out with me. i know if i dropped off the earth he wouldn't really miss me. but he said he didn't realize i felt the way i did and he'll try to initiate more things between us.

he did initiate more things but i was going through a hard day that i kept telling him about me being upset that day and it came down to me coming to his room and just sitting on his bed waiting for something and he didn't even look at me not even after minutes of sitting there in silence. im really not trying to be like the "you have to read my mind" type of person but im really kind of astounded at the behavior. he didn't have to read my mind, i was TELLING him i was having a really hard day. i guess i lashed out at him, as he puts it, because i was really upset at being treated that way. he said i was being mean to him and that he's just not good at connecting emotionally to people and if i keep expecting the things i expect from him im setting too high of a standard and i'm going to keep being disappointed. he thinks im being dramatic by being scared about where my life is going. im losing my home and i dont have arrangements set up and i have no parents or parental figured to guide me through adult things like fucking taxes and healthcare, and i only have one person on earth that i can lean on and im so upset at him because this relationship is growing so unfulfilling to me and talking to him about it just isn't helping. 8 years of friendship. and i dont even feel like i can call him my best friend. he just never even asks me if im ok. if he knows im upset he just doesn't do anything at all. doesn't ask if i want a drink. he moved out of our shared flat today and only told me he was moving out three days in advance (and even that was an accident, i overheard the convo about him moving out. he never even told me. and he left one day later than he meant to.) how can you do that to someone? he was asking me to find a day off of work so we could go into the city and have a proper day out and now his room's cleaned out. i was trying to find a day off. i was trying to trade with someone for this weekend and then for next weekend. he's already gone. he even knows im on this website and he's more concerned that i hurt his feelings by saying i felt like i couldn't go to him than for my wellbeing for being on this site.

he told me i really need to go to therapy. why does that always have to be the answer? i dont ask him for help often all i was asking was for him to be more present with me and maybe give me some support now and then. just now and then. i dont think i need another therapist, i just want a friend or two who cares about me in a tangible way, and maybe a person who's gone through the important things in life that i can ask for advice when i need that kind of wisdom. i dont want him to be my shoulder to cry on i want him to be my FRIEND. that would probably be all i need for my life to improve drastically. i actually kind of think his behavior is abysmal— i cant understand why he's saying the things he is instead of saying "sorry, i'll try harder to be there for you in ways you can see". all the suicide posters say to tell a loved one how you're feeling and i finally did and now im here, considering cutting off my only friend to live in total isolation, finally making an account on SaSu instead of lurking. what a load of good that advice did me. i dont understand how someone can let a loved one feel like this. to feel like i'd rather come here than to someone i should trust. i dont trust him anymore. maybe he was never that much of a loved one in the first place. sui is just starting to look like the only option. there's no relief in my life. i'm really sad at the prospect of letting go of the future, i had a lot of ideas for myself, maybe they were just too glorified..
anyway, i'm more than likely not going to go through with it. just spending every day hoping to get hit by a car yk

so, that's my head right now, i dont think i had anywhere to go with this, i just exhausted my last outlet, and was hoping someone would read this. thx if you got here

 

[Linda]

I'm afraid I'll have to be blunt. I don't think your relationship with this guy has a future. You need to cut your losses and find someone else. That will be difficult for you, but I think it's your best option.

 

[buoy]

hi, first post

im starting to feel hopeless with him. i have no other friends or family but i feel like he doesn't really care about that. he thinks that his friends are my friends when that just isn't the case, i already know for a fact that they dont like me when its 1 on 1. they're definitely not people i can reach out to for help. i had a big conversation with him a few weeks ago about everything i've been feeling for a long time, that i feel like he doesn't show up for me, that i feel like his actions tell me he doesn't care about me the way i feel a friend should, he doesn't ever seem to think about me just for the sake of it (he only buys me gifts for christmas or birthdays or i if i literally were to say "can you buy this for me" which like. doesn't really count as a gift you know) (he sees videos/posts of my interests on his page and doesn't even consider to show them to me it seems). and i just feel like i do SO MUCH to show him i care about him and i get so much apathy back from him. and in this convo he seemed to confirm exactly that, idk, he just said things like "sure i like hanging out with you but i dont really care whether im hanging out with you or being by myself" and i dont know how to cope with that. idk how to cope with a friend of 8 years giving me so much of nothing. even to say he doesn't really care whether he's hanging out with me. i know if i dropped off the earth he wouldn't really miss me. but he said he didn't realize i felt the way i did and he'll try to initiate more things between us.

he did initiate more things but i was going through a hard day that i kept telling him about me being upset that day and it came down to me coming to his room and just sitting on his bed waiting for something and he didn't even look at me not even after minutes of sitting there in silence. im really not trying to be like the "you have to read my mind" type of person but im really kind of astounded at the behavior. he didn't have to read my mind, i was TELLING him i was having a really hard day. i guess i lashed out at him, as he puts it, because i was really upset at being treated that way. he said i was being mean to him and that he's just not good at connecting emotionally to people and if i keep expecting the things i expect from him im setting too high of a standard and i'm going to keep being disappointed. he thinks im being dramatic by being scared about where my life is going. im losing my home and i dont have arrangements set up and i have no parents or parental figured to guide me through adult things like fucking taxes and healthcare, and i only have one person on earth that i can lean on and im so upset at him because this relationship is growing so unfulfilling to me and talking to him about it just isn't helping. 8 years of friendship. and i dont even feel like i can call him my best friend. he just never even asks me if im ok. if he knows im upset he just doesn't do anything at all. doesn't ask if i want a drink. he moved out of our shared flat today and only told me he was moving out three days in advance (and even that was an accident, i overheard the convo about him moving out. he never even told me. and he left one day later than he meant to.) how can you do that to someone? he was asking me to find a day off of work so we could go into the city and have a proper day out and now his room's cleaned out. i was trying to find a day off. i was trying to trade with someone for this weekend and then for next weekend. he's already gone. he even knows im on this website and he's more concerned that i hurt his feelings by saying i felt like i couldn't go to him than for my wellbeing for being on this site.

he told me i really need to go to therapy. why does that always have to be the answer? i dont ask him for help often all i was asking was for him to be more present with me and maybe give me some support now and then. just now and then. i dont think i need another therapist, i just want a friend or two who cares about me in a tangible way, and maybe a person who's gone through the important things in life that i can ask for advice when i need that kind of wisdom. i dont want him to be my shoulder to cry on i want him to be my FRIEND. that would probably be all i need for my life to improve drastically. i actually kind of think his behavior is abysmal— i cant understand why he's saying the things he is instead of saying "sorry, i'll try harder to be there for you in ways you can see". all the suicide posters say to tell a loved one how you're feeling and i finally did and now im here, considering cutting off my only friend to live in total isolation, finally making an account on SaSu instead of lurking. what a load of good that advice did me. i dont understand how someone can let a loved one feel like this. to feel like i'd rather come here than to someone i should trust. i dont trust him anymore. maybe he was never that much of a loved one in the first place. sui is just starting to look like the only option. there's no relief in my life. i'm really sad at the prospect of letting go of the future, i had a lot of ideas for myself, maybe they were just too glorified..
anyway, i'm more than likely not going to go through with it. just spending every day hoping to get hit by a car yk

so, that's my head right now, i dont think i had anywhere to go with this, i just exhausted my last outlet, and was hoping someone would read this. thx if you got here

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and your feelings are valid. It sounds like he want's to just maintain a casual relationship with you like he would with other drinkin, hangin out buddies. He's not considering the subtleties of having and intimate close friendship. It sucks because I'm sure it feels like he's deliberately or maliciously doing these things to you or actively doesn't car about you, but it's more likely to be self focused behavior. He wants the relationship to be easy and a certain way, and if you're okay to sign that contract then go ahead and engage in that relationship. But if it's seems like it's overstepping your boundaries, that's up to you to determine. Then you might have to cut those ties if it is unfixable. Just remember, burning bridges is self destructive behavior.