I am 19, and almost two years ago I was falsely accused of SA. at first not many people knew, but now everyone i used to know does. everyone my age thinks i committed a disgusting crime. i have lost all my friends. it didnt go to the police or anything, but the person "accusing me" isn't going round spreading it, the whole situation was a misunderstanding and the people spreading these rumours dont know the details or the person involved. its so stupid , people spread "oh Anon has allegations against him", but they dont know any of the details or anyone involved.
I used to be quite well known, i was very extroverted and went out to lots of parties, lots of people knew me, so this rumour spread like wildfire. people from loads of different schools, from all different stages of my life, found out. I moved halfway across the country for university, people knew there and tried to confront me/ fight me. I dropped out of uni, i am going to a different one but i know people there as well, who would likely try confront me. basically i cant go anywhere in this country to escape it really, anywhere i go people will know. the past year has been hell, the final year of my teenage years before i am an adult, while everyone else my age was at uni, or travelling on a gap year, i was just stuck at home with my parents and addicted to videogames for a long period of time. these are supposed to be the best years of one's life, and my youth is slipping away.
my aged father is going to die of cancer soon, i live everyday in chronic pain ( which is what started this whole thing in the first place, long story) . some of my closest friends have left me. Therefore as it is apparent that my life is over before it has even begun- my name is forever tarnished, for the rest of my life in this shitty country i will encounter people who are disgusted by what they think i have done, i have to go to a city to do a shitty pointless degree where people hate me, and i will graduate 2 years late. My father will leave this earth with nothing to be proud of me for, we used to have a good relationship but now argue all the time, even from his hospital bed.
I am fantasising about buying a rope and hanging myself in an abondoned industrial estate somewhere, or perhaps partial hanging in my basement. i am just waiting to move city for university so i can be reminded how shitty it is. It will be awful for my mother and my cat maybe, but thats it. She can retire early and move to the countryside.
Some peoples lives just dont work out. Its sad but thats the way it is. I had everything going for me, and i lost it all. By the nature of my situation, there is no path out, nothing i can do to recover. There is nothing i can do to clear my name. Scientists have said recently that connections to others is one of the best long term indicators of health and happiness. Well besides awkward one night stands ive never had a girlfriend, and ive been whittled done to very few close friends. even when i hang out with the select few people who know my side of the story, i can tell part of them pities me, and that i am a shell of my former self. The few friendships i have left have become significantly worse as they have to hang out with me in secret almost, they have to defend being friends with me, they have to put up with me being miserable and bitter and angry and not the person they originally became friends with. When they ask what I'm up to, if im going anywhere on holiday, what I am actaully doing with my life, i have nothing to tell them My best friend , who i have known for 10 years, who I have gone to school with my whole life and who i grew up with, and who i went on countless holidays and trips with, hasnt spoken to me for months. The old me was super confident and extroverted, i made jokes all the time and i could easily go up to and start talking to a random person. my friends and the memories i made with them, the adventures and experiences i shared with them, that was the source of my happiness as i am sure it is for most people.
Now i Have lost that and i can never get it back, at least not without leaving the country, going to the gym wont fill that void, my useless degree wont fill that void. "self-improvement" crap wont fill that void, no amount of books, lectures, or Youtube videos will fill the gaping hole of loneliness I have been feeling for that past year. Maybe a select few people would be unphased by my situation, as they do not care at all what peope think of them. Well i envy them, because that is not me. i used to fantasise about having my old life back, now i just fantasise about simple things like someone giving me a hug, or playing card games on cheap plastic chairs at a table with my friends on holiday, going cycling with an old friend, smoking a joint and going out to dinner with them, or having someone to just hold my hand and tell me its going to be okay, or just going to a party and have people happy to see you, laughing at your jokes, and actually feeling like a fucking human being.
I used to be quite well known, i was very extroverted and went out to lots of parties, lots of people knew me, so this rumour spread like wildfire. people from loads of different schools, from all different stages of my life, found out. I moved halfway across the country for university, people knew there and tried to confront me/ fight me. I dropped out of uni, i am going to a different one but i know people there as well, who would likely try confront me. basically i cant go anywhere in this country to escape it really, anywhere i go people will know. the past year has been hell, the final year of my teenage years before i am an adult, while everyone else my age was at uni, or travelling on a gap year, i was just stuck at home with my parents and addicted to videogames for a long period of time. these are supposed to be the best years of one's life, and my youth is slipping away.
my aged father is going to die of cancer soon, i live everyday in chronic pain ( which is what started this whole thing in the first place, long story) . some of my closest friends have left me. Therefore as it is apparent that my life is over before it has even begun- my name is forever tarnished, for the rest of my life in this shitty country i will encounter people who are disgusted by what they think i have done, i have to go to a city to do a shitty pointless degree where people hate me, and i will graduate 2 years late. My father will leave this earth with nothing to be proud of me for, we used to have a good relationship but now argue all the time, even from his hospital bed.
I am fantasising about buying a rope and hanging myself in an abondoned industrial estate somewhere, or perhaps partial hanging in my basement. i am just waiting to move city for university so i can be reminded how shitty it is. It will be awful for my mother and my cat maybe, but thats it. She can retire early and move to the countryside.
Some peoples lives just dont work out. Its sad but thats the way it is. I had everything going for me, and i lost it all. By the nature of my situation, there is no path out, nothing i can do to recover. There is nothing i can do to clear my name. Scientists have said recently that connections to others is one of the best long term indicators of health and happiness. Well besides awkward one night stands ive never had a girlfriend, and ive been whittled done to very few close friends. even when i hang out with the select few people who know my side of the story, i can tell part of them pities me, and that i am a shell of my former self. The few friendships i have left have become significantly worse as they have to hang out with me in secret almost, they have to defend being friends with me, they have to put up with me being miserable and bitter and angry and not the person they originally became friends with. When they ask what I'm up to, if im going anywhere on holiday, what I am actaully doing with my life, i have nothing to tell them My best friend , who i have known for 10 years, who I have gone to school with my whole life and who i grew up with, and who i went on countless holidays and trips with, hasnt spoken to me for months. The old me was super confident and extroverted, i made jokes all the time and i could easily go up to and start talking to a random person. my friends and the memories i made with them, the adventures and experiences i shared with them, that was the source of my happiness as i am sure it is for most people.
Now i Have lost that and i can never get it back, at least not without leaving the country, going to the gym wont fill that void, my useless degree wont fill that void. "self-improvement" crap wont fill that void, no amount of books, lectures, or Youtube videos will fill the gaping hole of loneliness I have been feeling for that past year. Maybe a select few people would be unphased by my situation, as they do not care at all what peope think of them. Well i envy them, because that is not me. i used to fantasise about having my old life back, now i just fantasise about simple things like someone giving me a hug, or playing card games on cheap plastic chairs at a table with my friends on holiday, going cycling with an old friend, smoking a joint and going out to dinner with them, or having someone to just hold my hand and tell me its going to be okay, or just going to a party and have people happy to see you, laughing at your jokes, and actually feeling like a fucking human being.
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