I fantasize about being able to go on a solo vacation to ctb. I fantasize about being able to go to a country with cliffs or mountains or a volcano, where I can also get a short barrel shotgun and position myself so that after I pull the trigger, my body falls, ensuring finality. Also, I wouldn't have to worry about my family finding my body.
It's also because I fugure that if I'm going out that I might as well knock a travel location off my bucket list. (Speaking of which, does anyone know a country with cliffs, jungle mountains, or volcanoes in which I could also easily acquire a gun? My thoughts are vietnam or something) I always wanted to go to some place warm and tropical. Before I die I'd get to see a beautiful landscape, a beach, and sunlight. It would be better than the grey landscape, cold weather and dead plantlife that I'm used to seeing.
But I kinda think this is just a way of delaying my follow through. And that both my ideation and this fantasy are just forms of escapism, and that I'm always just looking elsewhere and wanting to quit, like my older brother says I do. And I wonder if I'd even have the constitution to follow through with it if I got all the way there. Maybe once I got there I'd feel more vibrant than ever now that I had gotten out of my current situation.
I also fantasize about going to war so that I can be lively and not have to worry about doing it myself. Or I fantasize about going to a warzone, like ukraine/russia and either helping one side or just running towards gunfire in hopes of getting killed. Or going to a place where ww3 might begin like northern phillipines to catch the beginning of war with china and maybe bringing a new gen iPhone to take pics for the internet, or going to the middle east and requesting that someone shoot me in the head. Or hoping that I get hit with a missile strike from Israel.
This is all mainly just fantasy. But I don't find it easy to actually leave my current predicament. Theres plenty of people trying to keep me down. (Sadly this includes my family)
If nothing like that works out, I could just go into the woods out back and find a strong branch to hang off of, or go to the train tracks and wait for a train, or use one of their steel structures to hang off of. Maybe a train would come by and smoke my body too just for good measure. At least it wouldn't be inside my family home where they'll definitely be the ones to find me.
To end this I just want to say thank you to the supportive ones here. I've gotten some very positive and thoughtful feedback in the past while I was in a low point. And I don't think I said anything back at the time. But thanks.
It's also because I fugure that if I'm going out that I might as well knock a travel location off my bucket list. (Speaking of which, does anyone know a country with cliffs, jungle mountains, or volcanoes in which I could also easily acquire a gun? My thoughts are vietnam or something) I always wanted to go to some place warm and tropical. Before I die I'd get to see a beautiful landscape, a beach, and sunlight. It would be better than the grey landscape, cold weather and dead plantlife that I'm used to seeing.
But I kinda think this is just a way of delaying my follow through. And that both my ideation and this fantasy are just forms of escapism, and that I'm always just looking elsewhere and wanting to quit, like my older brother says I do. And I wonder if I'd even have the constitution to follow through with it if I got all the way there. Maybe once I got there I'd feel more vibrant than ever now that I had gotten out of my current situation.
I also fantasize about going to war so that I can be lively and not have to worry about doing it myself. Or I fantasize about going to a warzone, like ukraine/russia and either helping one side or just running towards gunfire in hopes of getting killed. Or going to a place where ww3 might begin like northern phillipines to catch the beginning of war with china and maybe bringing a new gen iPhone to take pics for the internet, or going to the middle east and requesting that someone shoot me in the head. Or hoping that I get hit with a missile strike from Israel.
This is all mainly just fantasy. But I don't find it easy to actually leave my current predicament. Theres plenty of people trying to keep me down. (Sadly this includes my family)
If nothing like that works out, I could just go into the woods out back and find a strong branch to hang off of, or go to the train tracks and wait for a train, or use one of their steel structures to hang off of. Maybe a train would come by and smoke my body too just for good measure. At least it wouldn't be inside my family home where they'll definitely be the ones to find me.
To end this I just want to say thank you to the supportive ones here. I've gotten some very positive and thoughtful feedback in the past while I was in a low point. And I don't think I said anything back at the time. But thanks.
