Story Feel its my last years in this world

[Zegers]

I have a disability that affects height and legs and is a social life killer, in certain way.

Since 2018 I think about leaving the world often, almost every day.

Day to day is a bunch of anxiety, loneliness, emptiness and uncomfy, have a sense of hostility and darkness.
I cannot change the basis of my life and small changes seem not enough.
Some people don't understand that someone is so depressed, but years of emotional pain can become unbearable, even little things stresses me out, I find it hard to get out of bed, my routine is like a survivor. Some people don't understand why someone is so depressed, but years of emotional pain can become unbearable. I've been to the doctors for years, with antidepressants, but this does not fix the foundations.

For a few months now (I think that maybe due to years of struggle) I became ill, something that is not precisely diagnosed but drains your energy and worsens your mood even more. I feel like I'm on an endless downhill. Life hits me like an arrow shot.

I get out of bed feeling nauseous, feeling sick and a few months ago with pressure on my leg and physical discomfort and I'm barely 30

My health is weak. Toxic "family" (genetic family is not necessarily a family itself, basically a bunch of imposition strangers, a family support you and not put you down)
As far as social life is concerned, I'm invisible to girls, I'm not that guy with a good social environment.

Some people say "have hope" but how can have hope in a total mess?
How can have self-confidence when barely had social relationships and you feel alone and left out?
How can have joy when everything is misery?

CTB sounds like a better place to me.

This morning i was sat on the park looking around and i was like "this is pathetic, im so tired of all this"

Thanks for reading

 

[rationaltake]

I understand. You are the one living your life. I'm sorry your life is so hard.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. I know that it can be dreadful when everything is hopeless. I can imagine it must be unbearable to be going through all that. This life is just so depressing. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[soinvisible]

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this, and the illness and pain. Social rejection hurts in a visceral way, I wish you did not have to experience it. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to actually not have any people around to try to fit in with, and feeling ill with no support would be so hard.

To your question how to have hope, i have met people who somehow find joy in spite of terrible things but I don't know how they do it, I wish I did and had wisdom to give but I don't. I feel like the answer is maybe somehow finding it outside, in nature or something and bringing it inside somehow, the awe, the stillness and majesty of the place lying under what we have done to it as a species, but I certainly haven't been able to get there myself yet and I tend now to focus on the suffering rather than the beauty so it often backfires, though I see it is beautiful too amd at times I used to feel I almost touch the answer but then I lose it. I used to know I believed in God and that helped but I'm not sure anymore. I don't know why I'm saying all this except for you mentioned you were sitting in a park and it gave me stream of consciousness motor mouth. I hear you. Its so hard, isolation, toxic family, and I am so sorry. I understand what you say about hard to even get out of bed. I know this may sound silly, but I am proud of you for being in that park. I'm afraid to go outside sometimes and there's a park real near me and I feel like if I could just make myself go there sometimes...

 

[Zegers]

I understand what you say about hard to even get out of bed. I know this may sound silly, but I am proud of you for being in that park. I'm afraid to go outside sometimes and there's a park real near me and I feel like if I could just make myself go there sometimes...

I try to do little things to feel better like going for a walk, going to the park, going out with a friend, listen music...

I encourage you to try, most of time it is not enough to not feel bad but.

 

[Of The Universe]

Is there any way you could see life getting any better??

 

[CameronFrye]

I feel you. Depression is absolutely brutal and the hole just keeps getting deeper the longer it lasts. I've watched all my friends, my relationship, my passions, and my future fade away as I further isolated myself due to depression and now the hole seems too deep to get out of. I also have severe social anxiety that now adds another layer of difficulty. The lack of relationships it causes really does make it hard to build self-confidence. And the social anxiety and the depression feed off eachother in an endless cycle that leaves me alone and stuck. I'm not sure how fix these things and find joy either, and like you said the small changes don't seem like enough.

It really is hard to have hope surrounded by all this darkness. Something that kind of helps me is comparing it to being lost in a dark forest. You may not see a way out, but by taking steps forward, even small, there is at least a chance of finding your way out. And you seem to be taking those small steps by doing things like going to the park, which you should be proud of becasue I know how hard it can be. That may sound stupid and I know it doesn't fix anything which I understand it's just something that has helped me a bit. I'm not sure what the future holds, and I know it's hard to have hope, but I hope you find what you're looking for, especially those people out there who truly care about and value you.

 

[Zegers]

Is there any way you could see life getting any better??

tbh, I don't know if there is any hope left. I have been in an apathetic state of mind for years and I feel less and less interested in things with each passing day.