Feel like my time has come

[Anarchy]

I've been suicidal for around two and half years. Beginning around halfway through year 9 of secondary school. In early year 10, I would think that I'd kill myself during the holidays between secondary and college, for sure. It's the holidays now.
I've felt depressed and suicidal and actually wanting to die for a very long time, but still felt like I needed to go on, to wait until the I'm sure that nothing will ever change, and to experience my life . Well, I'm calm at this present moment. And I'm usually so paranoid and anxious and angry or empty. But I feel calm. I feel like it's way more simple than I'm making it out to be and that it'll be peaceful to watch myself bleed out.
I feel like this is what I'm meant to do. Like, after my life passed a certain point, my potential life became just a dream and suicide became my destiny - the one goal of my life, and that from that point-of-no-return (not any particular point, just when my life became too messed-up to resolve by itself), my sole purpose has been to plan for and accept suicide.
I don't know when I'll do it. I'm hoping within the next few days but I've been hoping that for a long, long time.
Not as hard as I make out, perhaps. Very possible. I can sneak out of the house to go to my place of death when my father has gone to work, but before my mother wakes up. So it'd have to be a weekday, and I'd have a time frame of around an hour. But I'd probably be able to get away with walking through the house without being caught.
I don't have a set time, but I just feel, that if I ever am to kill myself, it will be within the next few days; by the end of this week, max. I've felt too consumed by emptiness and grief recently to even think about killing myself, but I've been thinking about it practically non-stop, every day, for the past few days.
If anyone can relate to this and is willing to, please PM me to talk about methods, preparing, just general stuff, etc. I haven't had a proper conversation in so long.

 

[wanttodie]

me to think about killing myself, but I've been thinking about it practically non-stop, everyday, for the past few days. i to want to peaceful to watch myself bleed out.and die pm me if you want

 

[Sternum]

I relate to much of what you said, primarily being paranoid and anxious and angry or empty, and feeling too consumed by emptiness and grief to think about killing yourself. It's a bit paradoxical, the times I wish for suicide the most are the times I feel least capable of carrying it out. That's why, if you feel calm now, it could be the right time. On the other hand, I get the sense you haven't planned your method in much detail? Bleeding out is particularly difficult unless you cut a large vessel (like in your neck or groin) because, if it is an artery, vasospasm is a natural reflex that helps to prevent bleeding out. It's quite common for people to cut themselves deeply with the intent to die, lose consciousness, then wake up later with insufficient blood loss. You might want to consider some other options, and establish a careful plan before carrying it out (if you have the presence of mind to do that, which I don't, unfortunately). I could be wrong and you may have a well-considered plan already.

 

[Anarchy]

Thanks for your reply - my main method is train, but I don't think I'd be able to jump fully conscious (hence the bleeding out).

 

[Sternum]

We'll train certainly is dependable!

 

[EternalSanction]

We'll train certainly is dependable!

It's actually not so much. You could end up in wheelchair by a not too small percentage.
Plus the fact you're fucking up at least one more persons life for ever.

I would recommend looking into more secure methods, but of course this is up to you.

 

[Anarchy]

Thanks for the reply.
Any method has a risk of serious damage, and train seems like one of the most reliable methods. It's the most reliable method that is accessible to me, anyway.

Whatever anyone does to commit suicide will mess with other's lives.
Also, I am not concerned about the welfare of the driver. It's not relevant to me.

 

[Sternum]

It's actually not so much. You could end up in wheelchair by a not too small percentage.
Plus the fact you're fucking up at least one more persons life for ever.

I would recommend looking into more secure methods, but of course this is up to you.

Do you have stats?

 

[millefeui]

Thanks for the reply.
Any method has a risk of serious damage, and train seems like one of the most reliable methods. It's the most reliable method that is accessible to me, anyway.

Whatever anyone does to commit suicide will mess with other's lives.
Also, I am not concerned about the welfare of the driver. It's not relevant to me.

Hanging is far more reliable, and it is also of easy access. If you jump in front of a train, the chances of failure aren't really that small. It can go really wrong. If you want to die being run over by a train, do not jump. Lay down on the tracks, with the neck where the train wheel thingies go through.

 

[Anarchy]

Thanks for the advice. That way scares me more than the jumping because I'd have to be on the tracks for longer.
I thought that the possibility of failure from jumpimg was miniscule; now I see that it is not - I'll have to brave the neck-on-tracks method.

 

[tourmaline]

A few points. A train isn't a very reliable method. You run the risk of surviving and having to deal with the massive amounts of damage done to your body. Hanging for example is less risky because it only has a few elements to consider. The strength of the rope and what you'll tie it on, the position of the knot and enough privacy. Also, a few days seems a bit short for planning. This is the last thing you'll ever do in your life. Take your time to think and plan and assess all the risks. Read stories of failed suicides and learn where they went wrong. Also, take some time to think about your death and make sure you're ready for the end of everything. Good luck.

 

[Anarchy]

Thanks for the reply. The reason I want to go by train so much is that I don't want my body to be intact. I don't want people to examine my body.
Yeah, I know, doesn't matter when I'm dead but ... still.
I do really want to die and the only thing that's holding me back is paranoia and that I'd be detained indefinitely if I were to fail.
I don't know the first thing about hanging; it's too complex for me and the more complex it is the more likely I am to fail.
Also, if I get hit by a train and don't die immediately, I will most likely bleed out before I am found.
If I pass out from hanging and don't die, I will most likely be detained.

 

[Xmac000]

I don't know why so many people are against the train method. It most definitely is a reliable method if done right. Who cares about the driver.

 

[tourmaline]

I don't know why so many people are against the train method. It most definitely is a reliable method if done right. Who cares about the driver.

I've just heard about a lot of people surviving via train. What if they flinch at the last second and their neck moves away from the rails? How easy would it be then to successfully commit suicide with a fucked up body and a suicide watch team made up of two very scared parents?

 

[licebap]

Should I use the train method, I would travel near a track where I know high velocity trains pass. There are trains that do 300km/h hitting you with several tons of mass would equal to body disintegration almost in no time... I would seriously consider it if I had chosen a 'violent' method. I would not lay down on binaries but just walk in front of the train when I see in the distance.

Maybe more accessible otherwise is jumping from high building. I had already individuated fairly accessible 30+ floors building in my city.

 

[Xmac000]

I've just heard about a lot of people surviving via train. What if they flinch at the last second and their neck moves away from the rails? How easy would it be then to successfully commit suicide with a fucked up body and a suicide watch team made up of two very scared parents?

They're very likely to still die even if they flinch. The train weights tons and the wheels are like giant guillotines to your neck/body. The tons of pounds will either crush your neck/skull/torso into guts and bits, or the wheels will split your head from your body. Your not going to survive that.