Venting Feeling disconnected

[Sylveon]

Everything feels really strange; I talk, giggle, and make friends, and I do it consciously, but none of that feels like myself. Sometimes I feel as if I'm faking everything, and maybe I really am, but it feels weird; everything just seems to be too normal, maybe that's because I literally don't have much time to think these days. I feel like I'm constantly walking, waiting for the next cool thing to happen, be it something embarrassing like a cool snack or just going home, but all the moments that lead up to those feel like a movie that I sometimes become vaguely aware of.

I don't cut a lot these days, and I don't know whether that's a symptom of a cause of all of this. Maybe that's a symptom of all this, and my rusty blade doesn't do more than scratches either...

I feel like I'm operating on autopilot, yet I don't feel disassociated. I sometimes have moments where I'm unreasonably hostile for no reason, which is a far, far cry from the usual timid me just a year ago; I absolutely despise this side of myself. Truthfully, I'm not actively suicidal these days, but the times I was, I at least felt like I was in charge instead of being in whatever state I'm currently in.

 

[damienlerone03]

I think many of us can relate to feeling like we're on autopilot or not fully connected to ourselves. It's a weird place to be, but you're not alone in it. I'm glad to hear you're not actively feeling suicidal, but even if those thoughts come and go, it's important to take care of yourself. You deserve that after all.

 

[EternalShore]

I'm sorry about how you feel disconnected~ :( It's always suffering to have to pretend to be someone you're not irl~ :/ which is especially frequent when one is working a job! >_< I know mine will be like that! :/ it's hard tbh... :( it's nice to be able to type things out rather than say them sometimes because you're able to more easily think about them and figure out the right words to say~ :) other times, it may feel like you're being fake online and your impulsive real life self is the real one~ >_< it sucks tho because pretty much everything irl HAS to be impulsive because there is very little if any time to think about something before you say it~ and if one can't think while speaking, it makes it very painful indeed! :( it's hard to be genuinely kind irl as one's first reactions tend to be aggressive or timid as you said, and well, neither of those is particularly great for maintaining relationships~ :( Maybe I'm just ranting instead of responding at this point but yeah~ :(

I'm glad to hear that you're no longer feeling as sewer slidal as before now~ :) ofc, that doesn't mean one is doing better~ :( I wouldn't say I'm actively sewer slidal anymore, and my situation looks more and more depressing as time goes on~ >_<