Feeling lonely

[Anchors]

Hi everyone. Does anyone else want to kill themselves because they are so lonely? I want to recover but it seems impossible that things will ever get better. I feel like outside of my family I have no one to talk to, no one to connect with on any more than the most superficial level. I'm convinced there must be something wrong with me which makes me fundamentally unlikable, and I'm afraid that will never change because it's built into who I am. I'm so trapped. I don't want to kill myself because I know that's final, and once I make that decision I eliminate all possible hope for the future. But realistically speaking, that chance is so remote that is it even worth hanging on for? Sometimes I feel more optimistic but I always cycle back to utter despair. Life is such a struggle at the moment. If I only had some friends here I feel like all my problems would be much more manageable. But for the last five months I've tried and failed to make friends. I wonder if I was never made to have friends, but I just can't accept my life like that. I can't handle being alone. I don't even knowing what I'm asking, beyond just some support.

 

[helpmehelpme]

Do you have MeetUp where you live? It is organized around activities, common interests, identities. I found it appealing.

 

[Apathy79]

As someone who chose to live as a hermit to avoid social interaction, I'm intrigued about what it is about being alone that bothers you so much? And is there another way to frame it so it's not so bad?

My hunch is even if you find friends, while they might provide some temporary relief, they won't fix the issue.

 

[Mr2005]

As someone who chose to live as a hermit to avoid social interaction, I'm intrigued about what it is about being alone that bothers you so much? And is there another way to frame it so it's not so bad?

My hunch is even if you find friends, while they might provide some temporary relief, they won't fix the issue.

Depends. Just being here has helped a lot of people. I'm also a hermit btw

 

[Jean4]

As someone who chose to live as a hermit to avoid social interaction, I'm intrigued about what it is about being alone that bothers you so much? And is there another way to frame it so it's not so bad?

My hunch is even if you find friends, while they might provide some temporary relief, they won't fix the issue.

I am just like you. I am interested in the answer too..

 

[Sensei]

You say that you want to recover and not kill yourself, so you should of course keep on fighting. We have a saying in my country: "Involuntary solitude is hell, voluntary solitude is paradise." I think it might be easier for you to find new friends if you simultaneously learn to enjoy being on your own. Then you will appear calmer and less desperate. It's easier said than done, but I know from own experience that there's some truth to it.

 

[Epsilon0]

Humans are social beings. We live in societies from birth. We develop and acquire knowledge from our earliest infancy through mirroring, interaction and collaboration.

Living alongside other individuals helps us survive and gives us strength. That is why it is so hard to be alone. We need each other to stay alive.

Since we have evolved living in groups, our cells have activated genes that favour social behaviours, and supressed genes that do not. I think our entire biology is screaming at us not to be alone.

 

[Deleted member 14177]

Unfortunately, I can relate. I'm incredibly awkward and always seem to self isolate. I can only blame myself, however I can't seem to change so, lonely I stay. It's a pity.

 

[Sensei]

Humans are social beings. We live in societies from birth. We develop and acquire knowledge from our earliest infancy through mirroring, interaction and collaboration.

Living alongside other individuals helps us survive and gives us strength. That is why it is so hard to be alone. We need each other to stay alive.

Since we have evolved living in groups, our cells have activated genes that favour social behaviours, and supressed genes that do not. I think our entire biology is screaming at us not to be alone.

We have an even stronger drive to survive, yet here we are. Some people are closer to animals and some people are closer to gods.

 

[Apathy79]

I think I knew the feeling of loneliness once. Or at least feared it. It was a feeling that happiness only comes from shared experiences. I'd sit and watch a sunset alone and it would feel a bit hollow but if I shared it with someone it would mean something. I imagine the appeal of social media to young people has something to do with that - you can be physically alone and still share the experience, sometimes in real time, with your closest friends and family, and it gives some semblance of them being there with you, although not quite the same.

There was once a related feeling of wanting a life partner, otherwise I'd never truly connect with anyone and therefore couldn't be content.

There was also the fear of being an outcast - forced to live with people that didn't like me, or worse abused me, which would still persist, but although it's related, I don't think that's a fear of loneliness.

I don't know whether it is just age that makes the feeling of loneliness disappear, or something peculiar about certain people, but that has shifted significantly for me over time. Now if I'm watching a sunset alone or with people it's all the same. There's no real desire to share it. I remember last year getting back to my little hermitage realising I wouldn't see anyone at all for 10 months and it put the biggest grin on my face.

The desire for a partner has disappeared with it. I remember reading once Einstein or someone said that if you can't be content alone in an empty room, you can't be content at all (or something like that). Friends, family, spouse, etc., are all potentially nice bonuses, but pinning your happiness on them seems destined to fail.

In terms of attracting them into your life anyway, I'm probably not the best person to ask but I'd guess the same principle applies. When you're comfortable with yourself, they'll be comfortable with you. When you're not, they probably won't.