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- Feb 12, 2023
- 99
i just recently (literally a few moments ago) started reflecting on things that happened to me as a child and i feel sick. i always tell people that i haven't been through much, which i still stand by, but i never realized how terrible some aspects were for me.
i know it's unproductive to dwell on the past, but i have nothing new to dwell on, lol.
i'm pissed, i want to puke. i hate that i had to feel so terribly at such a young age. i hate the incompetence i witnessed from the adults in my life. feeling sorry for yourself is pointless, but shouldn't i at least feel sorry for a kid—a child who wasn't even 10 years old, who prayed for his own death every night?
i've always been this miserable, i need to die.
for my entire childhood, i constantly talked about wanting to die. i responded to every inconvenience with "i want to die" and no one did anything about it. i think my mom called me crazy a few times. my grandmother said that she'd kill me, then of course, i just went silent. i understand what she was trying to do: prove that i didn't actually want to die; but looking back, it was a very strange way to go about such a topic.
i hate how this was brushed off so easily. yes, kids overreact, but a child repeatedly saying that they want to die isn't normal. keep in mind most of this occured when i was < 9, i think?
my family was somewhat religious. we didn't go to church every sunday, but we still valued christianity and practiced the average christian rituals like prayer and treating people like demons if they didn't believe in god, lol.
i used to pray every single night, asking for god to kill me. of course, it started as me praying for negative things in my life to go away, praying for specific situations to work out in my favor; but i quickly realized that nothing was happening, so i began to pray for my own death. i would do it nearly every night and every morning. no one in my life knew about it, though.
i'm tired now. i'll probably add to this over time... so, don't mind me
i know it's unproductive to dwell on the past, but i have nothing new to dwell on, lol.
i'm pissed, i want to puke. i hate that i had to feel so terribly at such a young age. i hate the incompetence i witnessed from the adults in my life. feeling sorry for yourself is pointless, but shouldn't i at least feel sorry for a kid—a child who wasn't even 10 years old, who prayed for his own death every night?
i've always been this miserable, i need to die.
for my entire childhood, i constantly talked about wanting to die. i responded to every inconvenience with "i want to die" and no one did anything about it. i think my mom called me crazy a few times. my grandmother said that she'd kill me, then of course, i just went silent. i understand what she was trying to do: prove that i didn't actually want to die; but looking back, it was a very strange way to go about such a topic.
i hate how this was brushed off so easily. yes, kids overreact, but a child repeatedly saying that they want to die isn't normal. keep in mind most of this occured when i was < 9, i think?
my family was somewhat religious. we didn't go to church every sunday, but we still valued christianity and practiced the average christian rituals like prayer and treating people like demons if they didn't believe in god, lol.
i used to pray every single night, asking for god to kill me. of course, it started as me praying for negative things in my life to go away, praying for specific situations to work out in my favor; but i quickly realized that nothing was happening, so i began to pray for my own death. i would do it nearly every night and every morning. no one in my life knew about it, though.
i'm tired now. i'll probably add to this over time... so, don't mind me
