derpyderpins
In the Service of the Queen
- Sep 19, 2023
- 1,899
Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage
I've been doing well lately. Got married, and I feel mentally healthy for the first time in 10 years. But, the uptick started before the wedding, so what was really helping me feel better, I wonder?
Notice I said '10 years'. But, my first suicidal thoughts were 20 years ago, so what was different 10 years ago? I had just graduated undergrad and I was working a low-stress job over the summer before law school. I do remember - and acknowledge - that for those 3 months I felt really happy and at-peace.
About a month and a half ago my boss wanted to get lunch, and I was very worried. You see, I got fired from my previous job, and I was very anxious I would not be able to hold this one. However, it went well, and all he did was praise me. Then, a month ago, I got called in for a performance review and got a raise. The biggest revelation here is that I don't need to worry about my job. I could get another one, an even better one. I have value. So, that leads me to the point of this post.
The big difference - for me - was feeling trapped as opposed to free. When I was feeling awful 2-3 months ago, I thought I would be in this cycle of getting a job, stressing out, and failing, over and over. I felt trapped. 10 years ago I went from stressing about my choice in law school, grades, and holding a job - being trapped in the expectations of perfection and conformity - to a temporary time where I could really do anything without limit for those three months. Then I went to lawschool and felt trapped in my choice of career path.
I've been thinking about this in the back of my head over the last few days before I started writing. I think feeling trapped is the most detrimental mindset for us, holding us back even more than pain. It manifests in many forms:
- I am trapped in this job - I can't get a better one and it's miserable. But I have to stay here so I can pay my bills.
- I am trapped in with this illness/disorder (physical or mental) - and I can never get away. It will always ruin everything.
- I am trapped in this relationship / with these "friends" / with my family - no one else would ever love / understand / listen to me like they do, even if they are toxic and/or hurt me.
- I am trapped in this body - I'm not smart enough or good looking enough, so I have no opportunity.
- I am trapped in this mind - I am too anxious and will always mess up any opportunities.
- I am trapped in this world - the way things are, by default, is bad, and I'm powerless to affect it.
- I am trapped in this house - I am dependent on people and could never provide for myself (or I "won't" for whatever reason).
- I am trapped in this room - the outside world is frightening, and people may hurt me. I don't like them. I don't want to be near them.
- I am trapped in this existence - no one will let me ctb.
That last one brings this topic full-circle. A big reason I think suicide methods should be accessible is that I think letting people have the option to ctb will actually reduce total suicides (or, at least, impulsive ones if there is a waiting period.) It's why hotlines are useless, and seeking help is terrifying. You're trapped. These people will push you further into a corner, and you can't let them know you're thinking about death, or they'll take you and lock you up for good. There's no way out. "Cheer up," "permanent solution to sdasfjkldsgas," "always get better," "help is available," blah blah. You know what all of those tell the suicidal? "You're fucking stuck here, deal with it. We won't let you leave."
Now, is that really productive? I'd say 'no,' hence my stance on suicide methods.
Back on subject, though, I think understanding the feeling of being trapped will ultimately be a key part on any road to recovery. Everything about recovery - feeling better - has to do with making some types of changes: mindset, routine, meds, situation, philosophy, diet, exercise, whatever. For me, "Step 1" is acknowledging something is wrong, which would be a change from the previous state of "not acknowledging that something is wrong." However you look at it, recovery is about change. Nothing stops you from changing like feeling trapped. Abuse victims, slaves, bullying victims, agoraphobes, hikikomori, incels, the suicidal, and everyone else who has given up does so because they feel trapped. They can't see a way out of their situation.
So what's the solution? I don't have one right now. It's too big of a subject. This post is to get a discussion going and start surface-level thinking about the feeling of being trapped versus simply a feeling of pain. I will say one thing about my situation, though.
So oftentimes it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key
Why did I feel trapped? I have anxiety/depression/adhd [now I know likely autism], couldn't maintain productivity at the first few jobs I had, got fired, and thought this was a cycle doomed to repeat, making my life drawn out, miserable, and without progression. What actually changed when I got good feedback and a good review? Nothing but my perception.
Whether I had value in this place of work and whether my job was on the line would have been the same with or without getting lunch with my boss. What this means is that I was never actually trapped. I only perceived that I was, and that perception actually hurt my performance and made a negative outcome more likely.
Now, I suppose there are multiple ways to look at it. I could say I was never trapped, or that I was trapped at some point but did something to change my situation. I assume that the framework for escaping a feeling of being trapped will begin with defining what the trap/cage is, then follow with a determination of whether it is real or imagined, followed by determining if there's any way to walk out right now, and - finally - if all else fails, look into blowing up the cage in some way. I got to the real/imaginary stage, and - at least in spring of this year - it was imaginary. The "way to walk out now" stage comes up a lot in abuse cases (in my experience working in a courthouse). It seems so impossible to leave, but then people just kinda do and even though it was immensely difficult it almost always leads to immediate, wonderful relief once safety systems are in place. [oversimplification, obviously everyone cannot simply walk out, thus the final stage.]
I'm going to end this here. The main takeaway is that when we're trying to recover, we may list our problems as "I'm sad, apathetic, bored, anhedonia, depressed, lonely," etc., but I think what often needs to be addressed is that "I feel trapped." As long as you feel - and therefore behave like you are - trapped, you can't make the changes necessary to improve the other issues.