First post, just venting.
I've dealt with suicidal urges all of my life, but for the first time I feel like I have no other options. I'm finishing up a master's degree and didn't get into any PhD programs this year and it's very hard to get nonacademic work in my field (media studies). I'm too depressed to finish my thesis. I have a few people I'm close with, but they can't support me financially. I still live with my ex after our relationship ended a few months ago because she needed help after a surgery (which I was happy to do and still love her dearly) and also can't afford to move out. Once school ends in May I will have no money, and I don't get enough in loans and scholarships for meaningful savings. There was another girl at one point, but that's a lost cause. I don't really have any other friends outside of these ex romantic entanglements, and I feel like I'm missing out on the things that once made life bearable: friends and community.
I feel like I've been shut out of life. No career prospects, no friends, no joy anymore. I don't even really have (financial) independence, and I don't want to be a burden. Despite my struggles with mental illness, addiction, and suicidality, I used to be brimming with life, travel often, have a strong friend group, etc. But that's all been taken away as I've slowly crept deeper into isolation. I didn't make any friends in my grad program (which is my fault ultimately, I didn't like them but should have made the effort anyway).I have no career, I'm going to turn 30 with nothing but debt to show for it (and yes I hate how I've bought into this capitalist logic of self-worth, but it's hard to let go of). Recently, I can't help but be jealous of others and their successes, which I despise in myself.
Every day I wake up regretting my choice to continue on. My life feels like a complete dead end-- for the first time I don't see any horizon or future for myself. I've been planning methods to end my life, making sure it will be successful- however, there is a part of me that wants to find another option. If I could just get a taste of normal life again, I wonder if I would change my mind.
I've dealt with suicidal urges all of my life, but for the first time I feel like I have no other options. I'm finishing up a master's degree and didn't get into any PhD programs this year and it's very hard to get nonacademic work in my field (media studies). I'm too depressed to finish my thesis. I have a few people I'm close with, but they can't support me financially. I still live with my ex after our relationship ended a few months ago because she needed help after a surgery (which I was happy to do and still love her dearly) and also can't afford to move out. Once school ends in May I will have no money, and I don't get enough in loans and scholarships for meaningful savings. There was another girl at one point, but that's a lost cause. I don't really have any other friends outside of these ex romantic entanglements, and I feel like I'm missing out on the things that once made life bearable: friends and community.
I feel like I've been shut out of life. No career prospects, no friends, no joy anymore. I don't even really have (financial) independence, and I don't want to be a burden. Despite my struggles with mental illness, addiction, and suicidality, I used to be brimming with life, travel often, have a strong friend group, etc. But that's all been taken away as I've slowly crept deeper into isolation. I didn't make any friends in my grad program (which is my fault ultimately, I didn't like them but should have made the effort anyway).I have no career, I'm going to turn 30 with nothing but debt to show for it (and yes I hate how I've bought into this capitalist logic of self-worth, but it's hard to let go of). Recently, I can't help but be jealous of others and their successes, which I despise in myself.
Every day I wake up regretting my choice to continue on. My life feels like a complete dead end-- for the first time I don't see any horizon or future for myself. I've been planning methods to end my life, making sure it will be successful- however, there is a part of me that wants to find another option. If I could just get a taste of normal life again, I wonder if I would change my mind.
