Final night with life as it is- one way or another

[willitpass]

I've just driven a few hours away from my apartment. The town where the residential that abused me more horrifically than any other mental hospital Id ever been in. The last place where I received inpatient care. Since then I've been so petrified of ever going back to one that I haven't been fully honest with anyone about my mental health ever since. But I can't live like this anymore. One way or another something is going to give and it's going to be tonight. I picked up 9 bottles of visine throughout my drive here. I'm about to pick up however many more I can get my hands on. I'll mix them into a drink in my car. If I wake up I won't be in any state to drive, much less hours back home. I'll have to call an ambulance and I will tell the full truth from there. If I die, well then even better. But I cannot carry on the way I'm living. Whatever happens at this point happens because the life I am living cannot continue. I'm mentally beyond my breaking point.

 

[piddincir]

I am sorry to hear this man.

I am in the same boat.

I plan tonight have my gas all set up having a few glasses of wine and some benzos to ease my SI but I can't live anymore with the horror of everyday suffering z

I feel your pain and hope we find the peace we seek tonight

 

[willitpass]

I have 9 bottles of pure 0.05% tetrahydrolazine visine and 8 bottles of the hydrating comfort version that also contains 1% polyethylene glycol. I may hold off on the hydrating ones as polyethylene glycol is also a laxative. I don't think there would be enough of it to have a laxative effect, especially with my laxative abuse making me somewhat tolerant, but I don't know. I bought a blanket and sweatshirt as it's starting to get cold at night and I left on a whim and didn't bring anything with me.

 

[Chaosire]

I'm sorry to hear you're suffering this much.
And I'm sad to hear you had such bad experiences when trying to find help. I hope those people end up getting what they deserve and that no one else has to suffer due to them ever again.

Your plan doesn't sound great to my ears, but I get that it's more of a gamble than a full-on attempt. I wish you the best, whether it is the rest you deserve or a chance to recovery.

 

[Unknown21]

I wish you peace and comfort from this existence. Good luck. Have a peaceful journey.

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

I hope you find peace I remember reading your goodbye thread a few weeks ago, I'm sorry you are still in pain

 

[dazed.daydreamer]

I've been keeping up with your posts recently, I'm sorry you've been dealing with so much agony and such intense self harm. I really hope you either don't do this, or find what you want/need from it, whether that be actual good mental health care or a more final peace.

That being said, as a fellow parasuicidal attempt "gambler"/self-harmer, I'm curious about visine. How much do you have to take to do serious damage or die?

Sending you a warm ghost hug to feel a little less alone in that car so far from home

 

[willitpass]

How is this what my life has come to? I always figured I would either be recovered or dead by now. I'm so far from either. From the outside everything is perfect. I actually had wonderful news come to me yesterday. I felt nothing about it. Everything meant to bring me joy feels dampened. If I survive this I will lose everything in my life and I don't even feel anything about it. And odds are this won't kill me. So I'm about to throw my whole life away.

 

[Fangarina]

your journey has been so hard to watch, and I hate how much you are hurting still.

Please take care, I don't know if this method is the answer or that it will give you the outcome you are looking for.
I do feel like you need proper intervention, because some of your posts sound like you want to get better and you want to find a way out of this. Please don't be afraid to call for help if you need it, regardless if you follow through or not.
If you do go ahead; and it works then all I can do is wish you the peace you are so desperate for. You have been such a huge pillar of the community, and you deserve to have a little freedom from your struggles.

 

[willitpass]

Down the hatch. Mixed it with juice and I could still taste it but nothing horrible. I'm likely going to end up passing out once it kicks in. If I wake back up and have a feeling it's not going to work I'll call 911. I have nothing left to give. No reason to lie anymore. If I survive then this is it for my life as I've known it for the last few years. Goodbye independence. Goodbye trust from my family. Goodbye to everything I've worked to hard to build. Because what good does it do to have all of these nice things if this is still what goes on behind the scenes every single day? I cannot live like this. I will either die or I will see what "help" they can offer me. I wish I could have died but it seems my body is set on not doing that. I doubt this will kill me.

 

[Chaosire]

I know how it feels to feel nothing, even when good things are happening. I'm sorry you experience it as well.

I've also lost everything before, or so I thought. If it doesn't work, I do hope you can rebuild the things you might lose. I never thought to regain the trust of my family and friends, but some of the bonds are stronger now than they were before.
If it doesn't work, I really hope you finally find something that exactly helps. Just like everyone else, you too deserve a shot at happiness.
I hope this works outs for you, either way.

 

[DeathSleep]

I hope you find your peace.

 

[/dev/null]

i am normally just a lurker, but i've been following your recent threads. and i know that nothing i can say will probably help, but you are in my thoughts (and the thoughts of lots of people here) and i hope that things get better for you.

 

[SA1994EC]

I have been reading your posts lately.
Whatever you decide and find eventually, I wish your pain being erased and your suffering being eased.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Based on a bit of research I did, heart rate drops first. Blood pressure is high at first and then low later on. The onset of symptoms takes anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours usually. At around the 3 hour mark is when blood pressure and heart rate get low enough to be life threatening (as well as heart block in some cases) but that can take longer. It seems like the last time she was online was a bit more than 2 hours after she drank the visine.

I'm sorry that I didn't see your post until now. If you don't survive, I hope that you're in another parallel universe enjoying all the good things that you felt like you didn't deserve in this life. If you do survive, I hope that one day things improve to the point where you no longer feel the need to be on SS. In both scenarios, I hope you find the peace that you deserve. We've only interacted a few times because I usually struggle to find the energy to talk to people and I'm sure you can relate, but I've seen you around on the forum quite a bit and you've contributed a lot of useful insights to the discussions on here.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Honestly, I hate it that you feel the need to suffer like this. You seem like such a good person. I hope you get a more peaceful result this time. Either that you do manage to find peace this time or that the MH services actually take proper care of you. As others have said- not that it really can help but I suspect you are in a lot of people's thoughts today.

 

[L'absent]

Suffering is terrible and it is even more so when it involves a person we have grown fond of here. I wish you well, whatever happens.

 

[Thisisnotaname]

I wish you not to suffer more than necessary.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I hope you find peace no matter which way this turns out. No one deserves to suffer this much. You are very brave to get to the point where you may be hospitalized. You've made it clear you were against that in the past. I hope you get as much support and love on the outside just as we have for you on this forum.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

I know this is not your first try. Hope this time you finally find the peace you need so badly

 

[Unspoken7612]

I haven't been fully honest with anyone about my mental health ever since

It seems like you could skip the excessive drinking and the ambulance and just go straight to this step.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

It seems like you could skip the excessive drinking and the ambulance and just go straight to this step.

It seems like you could actually get to know her and her story before going straight to condescending comments

 

[blueberrypie]

I hope you find your peace and happiness, no matter if you live or die. I wish that you find true freedom and comfort with new beginnings. <3

 

[willitpass]

About an hour after taking it I decided I wanted to go home. I made it about halfway before I became unsafe to drive and pulled off at a gas station. I called 911. I was already bradycardic and told them my medical history so they said transport would be a good idea. I didn't tell them what I took but they kept asking, nothing they would have done different anyway. Got to the ER and that was when I told them. They gave me atropine at least once, possible more. My nurse was lovely when I explained everything. I eventually got hit with a horrific headache and my blood pressure was sky high for a few hour (180/110s). After that I became very in and out. I only remember snippets. I'm not in the ICU, still bradycardic and intermittently hypotensive but I imagine I'll be cleared medically soon. I still haven't met with psych to see where to go from there. My family and friends are calling me frantically but I haven't picked up yet because I don't know what to say.

 

[Unspoken7612]

About an hour after taking it I decided I wanted to go home. I made it about halfway before I became unsafe to drive and pulled off at a gas station. I called 911. I was already bradycardic and told them my medical history so they said transport would be a good idea. I didn't tell them what I took but they kept asking, nothing they would have done different anyway. Got to the ER and that was when I told them. They gave me atropine at least once, possible more. My nurse was lovely when I explained everything. I eventually got hit with a horrific headache and my blood pressure was sky high for a few hour (180/110s). After that I became very in and out. I only remember snippets. I'm not in the ICU, still bradycardic and intermittently hypotensive but I imagine I'll be cleared medically soon. I still haven't met with psych to see where to go from there. My family and friends are calling me frantically but I haven't picked up yet because I don't know what to say.

I'm glad you're being taken care of. It was clear you felt like you still had some unresolved stuff going on. I hope you get to have those conversations you mentioned.

Your life is yours to do with as you please, but suicide is something you need to be 100% sure about. I hope things go well for you and things seriously change.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I hope this time the mental health system doesn't fail you and eventually you reach the point where you never feel the need to log into SS again. This forum is going to be a shittier place without you around but I hope that you not being around can be because you're recovering, and not because you ended up CTB. At the risk of sounding pro-life, even though I understand why you've wanted to CTB for a long time, I really hope that never ends up being the case for you and that you end up finding a different way out despite all the odds being stacked against you.

 

[-Link-]

I hope this time the mental health system doesn't fail you and eventually you reach the point where you never feel the need to log into SS again. This forum is going to be a shittier place without you around but I hope that you not being around can be because you're recovering, and not because you ended up CTB. At the risk of sounding pro-life, even though I understand why you've wanted to CTB for a long time, I really hope that never ends up being the case for you and that you end up finding a different way out despite all the odds being stacked against you.

Echoing all of this.

@willitpass I feel selfish in saying this, but I am thankful you were able to make it into the care of healthcare professionals and that you have another shot at life, and I hope very much they do right by you and that you're able to find some relief in this.

 

[dazed.daydreamer]

About an hour after taking it I decided I wanted to go home. I made it about halfway before I became unsafe to drive and pulled off at a gas station. I called 911. I was already bradycardic and told them my medical history so they said transport would be a good idea. I didn't tell them what I took but they kept asking, nothing they would have done different anyway. Got to the ER and that was when I told them. They gave me atropine at least once, possible more. My nurse was lovely when I explained everything. I eventually got hit with a horrific headache and my blood pressure was sky high for a few hour (180/110s). After that I became very in and out. I only remember snippets. I'm not in the ICU, still bradycardic and intermittently hypotensive but I imagine I'll be cleared medically soon. I still haven't met with psych to see where to go from there. My family and friends are calling me frantically but I haven't picked up yet because I don't know what to say.

I hate seeing how much pain you've been going through, physically and mentally, but I am very glad and relieved to see that this didn't end in your death and that you're getting professional help. I really hope it goes well for you, that you receive quality care and finally find some relief and healing. I'm wishing you nothing but the best

 

[maniac116]

Whatever happens, I hope you're able to find the peace you've been searching for, for so long

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I hope the next time we hear from you, you're in a better place and getting (good) help that you bravely surrendered to.