idhayam
not my world ❦
- Sep 23, 2023
- 44
I think that it is finally time to try using sodium nitrate to die. I cannot wait any longer; the exam pressure that I have is unbearable - if I keep procrastinating my inevitable death my parents will not only see my dead body but also the embarrassment of my failure. So it is best that I just do it now, now that I have the SN. I like journalling, and although this isn't how I usually do it, welcome to my final SaSu diary, I guess...
It's currently 12:56 UTC, and I'll use this thread to document how I feel throughout my final SN journey. For information, I successfully bought this from DMC on the 21st December using the prepaid card method (I actually just used the "virtual card" feature on my mobile banking app), it was shipped on the 24th and I received it on 3rd January. The only things that I'm using is the sodium nitrite itself and paracetamol. I haven't eaten anything since last night, and had spiced tea as my last drink at around 08:00 UTC.
It doesn't seem like I'm able to think straight - I can't stop thinking about the times I've embarrassed myself and what others think of me, and how others would continue to think of me once I've finally gone through with this. Me buying SN was impulsive in itself - I panicked after I realized that using citric acid and baking soda wouldn't work, and had completed my SN purchase within the next hour. It was out of luck that I was the first person to see the package - a small black box with a Ukrainian sticker and a stamp with both mine and DMC's details on it. I haven't opened it yet.
I've based my protocol off what I've seen in other posts - I've already started the fasting so I'll list everything yet to be done:
I plan to start CTB at around 16:00 UTC today, but earlier will be preferred. I'll only use half of the SN, so I can save some if I fail this time. This will also be my first experience that I remember of fainting and being unconscious so it will be slightly scary.
Being pressured to just study is currently what hurts me the most. I have no ambition, I can't even decide what I want for myself, other than wanting answers for who I am and who I'm truly meant to be. I have lost all my energy, and even though all of this was just to help me I can't continue. This is the feelings I had last year, when I stumbled on this site through Quora and decided to make an account after a failed attempt with nitrogen. But then I thought that I should give myself one last chance to live, and so I stopped using the site immediately after my account was approved. But now I found myself in the same situation, thus I found my account and returned.
It seems like I enjoy writing like this - since this isn't being addressed to anyone I can write without fear of what others think. It's 14:04 UTC right now, I just took the first paracetamol tablet. It felt weird but didn't taste anything as it's a capsule - it's the first time I put the pill before the water in my mouth so I could minimize the amount of water that I drink. I've been swallowing some spit throughout my fast, hope it's okay. I also used the toilet 5 minutes ago so I hope I've drained out all the excess inside of me.
It's now 15:01 UTC, I've swallowed the second paracetamol tablet.
Now 15:37 UTC. There was a slight problem, so I'm delaying my SN consumption by half an hour. I've seen successful protocols with people taking ibuprofen up to 2 hours in advance - I'll take a third 500mg at 16:00 UTC if needed.
I decided that the music I will listening to whilst executing this is Experience by Einaudi - I will never forget the euphoria that the piece gave me, and now that's been years since I last listened to it I hope I can replicate that experience. I'll also do some minor exercise as I want to use the toilet before drinking SN.
It's now 15:53, time to open the little black box. It's packed very nicely, labelled purity 99.6%. I do not have the resources to test this.
16:18 UTC; I'm a bit scared, but anyways I've measured out two glasses of 25g SN, I'll start filling it with water.
16:29 UTC; stirring the first glass to quicken the dissolving.
16:31 UTC, I'll do some preparation before drinking. I'm slightly scared to actually drink it, but it's okay. I'll also open the sinkhole as I'll definitely vomit - I'm not using any kind of antiemetics.
16:36 UTC, will start to drink. It's very salty. It's made my lips dry. I'll swallow some saliva to quell the taste.
16:37 UTC, finished the first glass. I will do some more exercise, but the most noticeable thing is that my stomach feels heavy.
16:42 UTC, feeling a bit nauseous. I'll stop exercising and take off my headphones. I'll stop typing and schedule the post now.
Goodbye!
It's currently 12:56 UTC, and I'll use this thread to document how I feel throughout my final SN journey. For information, I successfully bought this from DMC on the 21st December using the prepaid card method (I actually just used the "virtual card" feature on my mobile banking app), it was shipped on the 24th and I received it on 3rd January. The only things that I'm using is the sodium nitrite itself and paracetamol. I haven't eaten anything since last night, and had spiced tea as my last drink at around 08:00 UTC.
It doesn't seem like I'm able to think straight - I can't stop thinking about the times I've embarrassed myself and what others think of me, and how others would continue to think of me once I've finally gone through with this. Me buying SN was impulsive in itself - I panicked after I realized that using citric acid and baking soda wouldn't work, and had completed my SN purchase within the next hour. It was out of luck that I was the first person to see the package - a small black box with a Ukrainian sticker and a stamp with both mine and DMC's details on it. I haven't opened it yet.
I've based my protocol off what I've seen in other posts - I've already started the fasting so I'll list everything yet to be done:
2 hours before | Consume one paracetamol 500mg tablet |
| 1 hour before | Consume one paracetamol 500mg tablet |
| 30 minutes before | Start preparing two 25g SN glasses |
| At around 16:00 UTC | Drink the first glass of SN water and wait |
I plan to start CTB at around 16:00 UTC today, but earlier will be preferred. I'll only use half of the SN, so I can save some if I fail this time. This will also be my first experience that I remember of fainting and being unconscious so it will be slightly scary.
Being pressured to just study is currently what hurts me the most. I have no ambition, I can't even decide what I want for myself, other than wanting answers for who I am and who I'm truly meant to be. I have lost all my energy, and even though all of this was just to help me I can't continue. This is the feelings I had last year, when I stumbled on this site through Quora and decided to make an account after a failed attempt with nitrogen. But then I thought that I should give myself one last chance to live, and so I stopped using the site immediately after my account was approved. But now I found myself in the same situation, thus I found my account and returned.
It seems like I enjoy writing like this - since this isn't being addressed to anyone I can write without fear of what others think. It's 14:04 UTC right now, I just took the first paracetamol tablet. It felt weird but didn't taste anything as it's a capsule - it's the first time I put the pill before the water in my mouth so I could minimize the amount of water that I drink. I've been swallowing some spit throughout my fast, hope it's okay. I also used the toilet 5 minutes ago so I hope I've drained out all the excess inside of me.
It's now 15:01 UTC, I've swallowed the second paracetamol tablet.
Now 15:37 UTC. There was a slight problem, so I'm delaying my SN consumption by half an hour. I've seen successful protocols with people taking ibuprofen up to 2 hours in advance - I'll take a third 500mg at 16:00 UTC if needed.
I decided that the music I will listening to whilst executing this is Experience by Einaudi - I will never forget the euphoria that the piece gave me, and now that's been years since I last listened to it I hope I can replicate that experience. I'll also do some minor exercise as I want to use the toilet before drinking SN.
It's now 15:53, time to open the little black box. It's packed very nicely, labelled purity 99.6%. I do not have the resources to test this.
16:18 UTC; I'm a bit scared, but anyways I've measured out two glasses of 25g SN, I'll start filling it with water.
16:29 UTC; stirring the first glass to quicken the dissolving.
16:31 UTC, I'll do some preparation before drinking. I'm slightly scared to actually drink it, but it's okay. I'll also open the sinkhole as I'll definitely vomit - I'm not using any kind of antiemetics.
16:36 UTC, will start to drink. It's very salty. It's made my lips dry. I'll swallow some saliva to quell the taste.
16:37 UTC, finished the first glass. I will do some more exercise, but the most noticeable thing is that my stomach feels heavy.
16:42 UTC, feeling a bit nauseous. I'll stop exercising and take off my headphones. I'll stop typing and schedule the post now.
Goodbye!
rest in peace....
