Final thoughts on Sanctioned Suicide

[FireFox]

The Sanctioned Suicide community have seen me grow up and looked out for me. For that I will always be grateful. Everyone here has been a real friend and tried their best to help me with my problems. People here did not judge me and made me feel so safe. This is why I love this community.

Society blames the Internet but never the society that treats mentally ill people feel like an inconvenience on everyone's normal lives. Society blames the Internet but never our politicians who make no effort to fix our broken mental health care system.

Society needs to understand if a person doesn't reach out to family and friends it is for a reason. Not everyone has compassionate and non judgemental families and friends. Everytime I have reached out to family and friends I regret it so much. First as a teenager I reached out to my Auntie who is a qualified US nurse. She was nice to my face and was laughing behind my back. She was telling other relatives I was crazy and gossiping about my private business. I do not feel comfortable opening up to my mum because she has a habit of lecturing about how hard her life was growing up in a thrid world country and emigrating with little money to the UK. The way she does it is pure guilt tripping. Having a parent like this is why I dont report feeling depressed or anxious or any mental health problem because it makes the situation worse. My grandmother views anyone who doesn't overcome adversity the way she did as weak. She said last week " I laugh when people complain because they dont how other people suffer". Every problem i have is trivialised and dismissed by my family because I didn't have a hard life my mum and grandmother did in their thrid world home country. This is the reality of living in an African immigrant household in a western country.

When I was 21 my closet friend in my undergraduate law class who comes from the same culture as me avoided me when I told her I was suicidal. She told me to go to church and blamed my feminist beliefs for why I am depressed. She was one of those Christians who went church every Sunday and didn't live by love thy neighbour. I have so many stories of reaching out and being let down. Let down by those I loved and trusted. Difficulty in accessing NHS services is another reason why my mental health has deteriorated throughout the years.

If people listened to me when I reached out that I was suffering from depression at 21 I would have never ended up here in this community. People who are misunderstood and outcasted by society will seek a community who will understand them, never judge them and make them feel loved.

I have reached a point where nothing can give me relief for the mental torment I live with everyday. I can't live with anoxeria but I can't live without it either. I am addicted to the euophoria of losing weight. Everyday I have nightmares that I failed my resit exam. We are only allowed 1 resit at university. The exam was super hard and I struggled to answer the questions. There is no way I am passing that exam. I messed up so badly.

I failed my masters degree and I will not graduate from university. I have accepted this. My boyfriend is amazing but we have an age gap meaning no future. I am 28 he is 23. When I am in my 30s he will still be in his 20s. I love him so much but he is immature in so many ways. I want a husband, a man. He adores me so much but how can a 5 year gap work. He will leave me eventually for a younger woman.

I want to sleep forever all this anxiety and mental torment will stop when I kill myself. This is the year I really die. There is no way out. Last night I had no sleep I can't cope anymore with this. This is not living. I feel so trapped.

Thank you
Sanctioned Suicide

 

[mychois]

Wish you all the best

 

[Forever Sleep]

That's so true. There absolutely are reasons we don't reach out. I also tend to receive the whole: 'Other people have had it worse. They've had it worse. Everyone suffers. That's just life.' Blah, blah, blah. Followed by something ridiculous like: 'I promise it will get better'. Really? When? And how? By magic?

But yeah- why would we keep reaching out, if it only ends up making us feel worse? We learn to keep it to ourselves. It's just easier that way. Or, it may be the case that we can recognise there's nothing they can do to help us, so why worry them with it? I think a lot of the time, we end up shielding people. Because we don't actually want them to feel guilty or worried.

I'm so sorry. Like others here, I was so rooting for you with this guy. I really hoped things were turning around for you.

 

[popping_candy]

I'm sorry to hear about what happened with your nurse auntie. I had a family friend/godmother who provides mental health services to youth and once told her I was feeling suicidal. She told me that was the dumbest thing she had ever heard me say and whenever I tried to explain more to her she just kept insisting that I had no problems. There isn't a being on this earth that has no problems. I'm not sure what would be worse, the possibility that she is also treating her patients like that or just when it comes to her own family.

So I can relate to how shocking it is when someone you think should not only know better but be trained to handle it just completely drops the ball. The way people reacted to us is not right and you shouldn't feel wrong for feeling this way. At least we have communities like this.

I have also had luck with talking to warm lines about suicidal thoughts and they are usually inquisitive and willing to listen (unlike crisis lines), so maybe give those a try sometime.

 

[FireFox]

That's so true. There absolutely are reasons we don't reach out. I also tend to receive the whole: 'Other people have had it worse. They've had it worse. Everyone suffers. That's just life.' Blah, blah, blah. Followed by something ridiculous like: 'I promise it will get better'. Really? When? And how? By magic?

But yeah- why would we keep reaching out, if it only ends up making us feel worse? We learn to keep it to ourselves. It's just easier that way. Or, it may be the case that we can recognise there's nothing they can do to help us, so why worry them with it? I think a lot of the time, we end up shielding people. Because we don't actually want them to feel guilty or worried.

I'm so sorry. Like others here, I was so rooting for you with this guy. I really hoped things were turning around for you.

@Forever Sleep Thank you so much for rooting for me I appreciate it. I finally can not cope anymore. Everyday I am just on edge and just want to be free from all this anxiety. I am tired of the panic attacks, the crying and worrying. This is not living.

I want to sleep forever. I have no energy to fight and I want everything to stop right now. No human being should ever feel like this terrorised in their own mind.

 

[Forever Sleep]

@Forever Sleep Thank you so much for rooting for me I appreciate it. I finally can not cope anymore. Everyday I am just on edge and just want to be free from all this anxiety. I am tired of the panic attacks, the crying and worrying. This is not living.

I want to sleep forever. I have no energy to fight and I want everything to stop right now. No human being should ever feel like this terrorised in their own mind.

It's so sad because I know you gave it your all. I agree- it's so unfair people do suffer so much. I wish you had found your way through but I can absolutely relate to feeling like it's too much to cope with.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

The Sanctioned Suicide community have seen me grow up and looked out for me. For that I will always be grateful. Everyone here has been a real friend and tried their best to help me with my problems. People here did not judge me and made me feel so safe. This is why I love this community.

Society blames the Internet but never the society that treats mentally ill people feel like an inconvenience on everyone's normal lives. Society blames the Internet but never our politicians who make no effort to fix our broken mental health care system.

Society needs to understand if a person doesn't reach out to family and friends it is for a reason. Not everyone has compassionate and non judgemental families and friends. Everytime I have reached out to family and friends I regret it so much. First as a teenager I reached out to my Auntie who is a qualified US nurse. She was nice to my face and was laughing behind my back. She was telling other relatives I was crazy and gossiping about my private business. I do not feel comfortable opening up to my mum because she has a habit of lecturing about how hard her life was growing up in a thrid world country and emigrating with little money to the UK. The way she does it is pure guilt tripping. Having a parent like this is why I dont report feeling depressed or anxious or any mental health problem because it makes the situation worse. My grandmother views anyone who doesn't overcome adversity the way she did as weak. She said last week " I laugh when people complain because they dont how other people suffer". Every problem i have is trivialised and dismissed by my family because I didn't have a hard life my mum and grandmother did in their thrid world home country. This is the reality of living in an African immigrant household in a western country.

When I was 21 my closet friend in my undergraduate law class who comes from the same culture as me avoided me when I told her I was suicidal. She told me to go to church and blamed my feminist beliefs for why I am depressed. She was one of those Christians who went church every Sunday and didn't live by love thy neighbour. I have so many stories of reaching out and being let down. Let down by those I loved and trusted. Difficulty in accessing NHS services is another reason why my mental health has deteriorated throughout the years.

If people listened to me when I reached out that I was suffering from depression at 21 I would have never ended up here in this community. People who are misunderstood and outcasted by society will seek a community who will understand them, never judge them and make them feel loved.

I have reached a point where nothing can give me relief for the mental torment I live with everyday. I can't live with anoxeria but I can't live without it either. I am addicted to the euophoria of losing weight. Everyday I have nightmares that I failed my resit exam. We are only allowed 1 resit at university. The exam was super hard and I struggled to answer the questions. There is no way I am passing that exam. I messed up so badly.

I failed my masters degree and I will not graduate from university. I have accepted this. My boyfriend is amazing but we have an age gap meaning no future. I am 28 he is 23. When I am in my 30s he will still be in his 20s. I love him so much but he is immature in so many ways. I want a husband, a man. He adores me so much but how can a 5 year gap work. He will leave me eventually for a younger woman.

I want to sleep forever all this anxiety and mental torment will stop when I kill myself. This is the year I really die. There is no way out. Last night I had no sleep I can't cope anymore with this. This is not living. I feel so trapped.

Thank you
Sanctioned Suicide

28 and 23 is not that big of an age difference. He may really love you. Many people are 5 years apart. You're both adults, over 21. Who cares? It's not even like people would give the age difference a second look or even care.


As for the exams, you don't know how you'll do yet. When do you find out?

Have you tried Dialectical Behavioral Therapy? It can be helpful for anorexics.

Have you tried an anorexia support group?

Have you tried meditation?

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is helpful for people with intense emotions and self-harming behavior (like anorexia).
One example of a DBT texhnique is when you are really emotionally upset, stick your hands in cold water, like really cold, for one to two minutes.

 

[FireFox]

28 and 23 is not that big of an age difference. He may really love you. Many people are 5 years apart. You're both adults, over 21. Who cares? It's not even like people would give the age difference a second look or even care.


As for the exams, you don't know how you'll do yet. When do you find out?

Have you tried Dialectical Behavioral Therapy? It can be helpful for anorexics.

Have you tried an anorexia support group?

Have you tried meditation?

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is helpful for people with intense emotions and self-harming behavior (like anorexia).
One example of a DBT texhnique is when you are really emotionally upset, stick your hands in cold water, like really cold, for one to two minutes.

@claracatchingthebus

28 and 23 is not that big of an age difference

Late 20s a person knows what they want and there is enormous pressure to settle while a person in their early 20s the person is still finding themselves. When I reach 30 the pressure to be married will grow because I am running out of time.

As for the exams, you don't know how you'll do yet. When do you find out?

2 weeks from now. The exams went so terribly I struggled to answer the questions. The pass mark is 50 % there is no way I will get a 50%. I don't even want to see my results. The waiting for my results has been a long wait everyday is just slow. This exam is my resit exam if I fail it I lose my degree. My family think I am going to pass and graduate while I don't even know anymore. This exam was my resit and I need to pass this to get my degree,

This month has been the worst everyone in my class is excited for graduation except me. I want to die before I get my grades so I won't have to live and see the failure and embrassment.

 

[SunnySideSummer]

You are in a relationship, just continue then maybe it will be just fine and even if you are 30 ok but the age gap stay the same and you will remain the same

Americans have a weird obsession with age gap , peoples around the world and spécially back in time had like 10 and + years of age gap

Some were 40 and married a 20 years old boy exemple

You only have 5 years of différence come on its literally nothing you are both adult when you are kids and teenagers ok 5 years make a différence but you both adults now even 10 years is not a big deal

 

[FadingSnowFake]

Sometimes I wish we could just pause, not worry about time, about anything, the future. Sometimes I wish we could let go just a while, not having to think, and find some kind of calm. I'm sorry you feel so trapped and tired, sending love and hugs.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

I'm sorry you are struggling with many challenges and societal expectations. I think you have a nice boyfriend. I hope he helps you cope with life and challenges. It might sound dismissive, the 5 years age gap does not look like a big problem. My parents are 4 years apart but they don't seem to have troubles coming from the age gap. And I am now wanting to date with a woman over 20 years older than me. Please don't be misled by societal expectations. You can stay in a relationship with anyone you want unless it is not an affair, and you don't have to get married until 30. Your life is yours. It seems you and your boyfriend are now in a good relationship. It will be good to see where the relationship goes then get married to him if you two are consented and ready, and focus on academic problems right now. I hope you pass the exams. If unfortunately you failed, is there another resit or appeal or something? It is normal to students, and not a shame. If your mental health is so bad and it feels impossible to continue your curricula, taking some time off is an option.

Sorry if my response sounds pushy. Whatever you finally decide, I wish you the best. Much love