I just found this site and read through tons of posts. Honestly at first I was skeptical, I didn't believe there could be so many others who felt basically the same as I do.
So, I'll try to somewhat quickly go through my attempts and why they've happened and didn't work.
I tried two times as a child. I didn't fully understand why honestly, it took becoming an adult and learning more about my childhood before it made sense. My stepfather was physically and sexually abusive. I was so young that a large portion of it I was simply too young to remember. The rest I suppose I forced myself to forget. It ended around age 6 or 7 I guess. My aunt slipped up and told me there had been a big thing about it because apparently I showed up on the bus bleeding on to the seat. CPS was involved, criminal charges were filed, I even had to have some sorry of surgery to repair some of the damage. My mother is still and will always be in a state of denial.
My first attempt was around that same age 6 or 7 or maybe even 8. I can very clearly remember it, I can even remember thinking, "Maybe this will finally fix me." As I jumped off the neighbors 3-barn. No hesitation. The fall was beautiful. I hurt my legs pretty badly, they had multiple breaks, but that was pretty much it.
Then several years later I tried hanging myself. My oldest sister just so happened to drop something off and realized I should have been home. Beyond physically saving me no one really did or said much. My medical files were stamped with Major Depression and pills were handed out that I never took.
By 15 I had dropped out of school and had become emancipated. I had an apartment and a part time job. Wasn't long before I was dating a much older man and became pregnant. I was 17 when my son was born. His father had began using and I told him to either get help or stay away. He decided to try and overdose on ice and ended up on a church roof naked with a metal pipe that he used to beat the crap out of the cops trying to save him.
My third attempt was when my son was about 1. After a long day at work and a long night of doing nothing right for him according to his cries, I sent him to 'spend the night' with his godparents and then was planning to carve up my arms and neck. I panicked at the last moment somehow ended up falling on the huge knife I was holding and nearly disemboweled myself. Made for outrageous scars on my stomach/arms and a terrified landlord who popped in to check something that I'd told him was broken months before.
I told the hospital it had been an attempt, but then I'd fallen. I guess they thought that meant I was cured. No new meds, therapy, etc. Just sent me home with pain pills for the week and called it good.
I later got back together with my ex, had another child. He quit breathing on my 19th bday. He was revived and on life support for a short time before passing at 10 days old. The only answers they had was SIDS. I attempted ODs on mixed pain pills multiple times in the following years. Usually I would pass out before enough was in my system or start throwing it all up. Pain meds never have sat well with me.
My ex and I split during my second sons last few days and my ex went off the deep end again. This time instead of attacking himself, I was the target. One of the many times he broke in my home, he raped me. I became pregnant unbeknownst to me. Sounds stupid or crazy but whatever. I didn't know until my water broke almost three months early. If I had known I would have gotten an abortion cause I'm screwed up enough and I couldn't handle the thought of another child dying.
Now here I am. 30 years old, my oldest is now 13 and youngest is 9. Their father is not in any of our lives thank goodness. I've OD'd a few more times but obviously with no success. I have a will, living will, and requests for my children's care and safety set up. Put in place long ago.
I have fought through cervical cancer and won. It has since returned as vaginal cancer. I have a neurological sleep disorder called hypersomnia which has basically no treatment and no cure. And I have constant back and stomach pain from both previous attempts and previous injuries from my ex and my stepfather.
My body is covered in scars.
I want to finally feel calm and at peace with myself. I just can't freaking die though.
So, I'll try to somewhat quickly go through my attempts and why they've happened and didn't work.
I tried two times as a child. I didn't fully understand why honestly, it took becoming an adult and learning more about my childhood before it made sense. My stepfather was physically and sexually abusive. I was so young that a large portion of it I was simply too young to remember. The rest I suppose I forced myself to forget. It ended around age 6 or 7 I guess. My aunt slipped up and told me there had been a big thing about it because apparently I showed up on the bus bleeding on to the seat. CPS was involved, criminal charges were filed, I even had to have some sorry of surgery to repair some of the damage. My mother is still and will always be in a state of denial.
My first attempt was around that same age 6 or 7 or maybe even 8. I can very clearly remember it, I can even remember thinking, "Maybe this will finally fix me." As I jumped off the neighbors 3-barn. No hesitation. The fall was beautiful. I hurt my legs pretty badly, they had multiple breaks, but that was pretty much it.
Then several years later I tried hanging myself. My oldest sister just so happened to drop something off and realized I should have been home. Beyond physically saving me no one really did or said much. My medical files were stamped with Major Depression and pills were handed out that I never took.
By 15 I had dropped out of school and had become emancipated. I had an apartment and a part time job. Wasn't long before I was dating a much older man and became pregnant. I was 17 when my son was born. His father had began using and I told him to either get help or stay away. He decided to try and overdose on ice and ended up on a church roof naked with a metal pipe that he used to beat the crap out of the cops trying to save him.
My third attempt was when my son was about 1. After a long day at work and a long night of doing nothing right for him according to his cries, I sent him to 'spend the night' with his godparents and then was planning to carve up my arms and neck. I panicked at the last moment somehow ended up falling on the huge knife I was holding and nearly disemboweled myself. Made for outrageous scars on my stomach/arms and a terrified landlord who popped in to check something that I'd told him was broken months before.
I told the hospital it had been an attempt, but then I'd fallen. I guess they thought that meant I was cured. No new meds, therapy, etc. Just sent me home with pain pills for the week and called it good.
I later got back together with my ex, had another child. He quit breathing on my 19th bday. He was revived and on life support for a short time before passing at 10 days old. The only answers they had was SIDS. I attempted ODs on mixed pain pills multiple times in the following years. Usually I would pass out before enough was in my system or start throwing it all up. Pain meds never have sat well with me.
My ex and I split during my second sons last few days and my ex went off the deep end again. This time instead of attacking himself, I was the target. One of the many times he broke in my home, he raped me. I became pregnant unbeknownst to me. Sounds stupid or crazy but whatever. I didn't know until my water broke almost three months early. If I had known I would have gotten an abortion cause I'm screwed up enough and I couldn't handle the thought of another child dying.
Now here I am. 30 years old, my oldest is now 13 and youngest is 9. Their father is not in any of our lives thank goodness. I've OD'd a few more times but obviously with no success. I have a will, living will, and requests for my children's care and safety set up. Put in place long ago.
I have fought through cervical cancer and won. It has since returned as vaginal cancer. I have a neurological sleep disorder called hypersomnia which has basically no treatment and no cure. And I have constant back and stomach pain from both previous attempts and previous injuries from my ex and my stepfather.
My body is covered in scars.
I want to finally feel calm and at peace with myself. I just can't freaking die though.
