Venting First actual post, just venting

[goodlifesurfaceskim]

Trying to dream my way to suicide. I think to make it to the end means deeply knowing that I want the end to come. So to remain true to myself in the process of gathering supplies. Likely a gun or the nitrogen exit bag setup. Communication is terrifying, or it should be. My guard is up so I remain isolated.

I love being apart of community, at least that's something I can say now with a little confidence. If they take away our freedom in the internet, there will be another way to connect I'm sure. Our energy will not be stifled. So let it be a way is found to die that meaningfully represents peace to me. Whatever religion wants me to contain within my heart, there is no room for. I am a coward, I will not represent anything politically. And I believe in a sliding scale, a spectrum which all things can be compared against. Life and death, pain and pleasure. Let me out of the karma scheme. If we are not animals then let us use that to give a peaceful end to those who so wish. I have no excuses but all I have to fight with is the means to accessing a peaceful final exit. Life is madness and I'm trying to get out somewhat unscathed. Not just trying but "training" lol this can be difficult after having an easy ride for so long.

Honestly I have no idea what other people think of me. At any road of doubt I have split. At any point of uncertainty I have carved another path. Maybe it's madness, maybe its enlightenment but I feel my road is narrowing. 22 years was good enough, thanks life

 

[hell toupee]

Why do you honestly, deeply care for what other people think of you?

Im not saying it's easy, Im extremely sensitive myself, but what is it you think they notice about you that you assume would be critical? And why do you think you are a coward? Im not trying to psychoanalyze you or anything - you certainly don't have to reply if you feel I'm asking too much but just thought that maybe you really aren't a coward and just think you are.

I recently watched a show about people who had survived suicide attempts and had NDEs and a few of them were really interesting. They had said that in their NDE they were greeted by huge celebrations and parties, which of course was weird because only a few seconds ago they thought they were trying to kill themselves, and they learned that these celebrations were for them. They learned that becoming human was not something that a lot of souls did, that operating a body was considered difficult, and in order to learn something we have decided to operate in flesh and bone. One woman was told that we are almost looked at as heroes for subjecting ourselves to a physical existence.

That's why I responded to your post - I saw your bit about being a coward and it immediately reminded me of that show about suicide & NDEs that I saw.

 

[goodlifesurfaceskim]

I am a thief of perspectives. I cannot make my own ideas because I am too afraid to take a political stance. Being neutral puts me out of harmony with life. I am not in congruency with the flow of things. I stand out and set myself as a roadblock. A pillar of apathy. At this point let me leave I think. I agree, it is great to be alive as seen in a near death experience. During ketamine infusions I experienced what it felt like to be an infant again and feeling the pure love of family. Life is good. Even so, I know what is waiting for me in real life. Suicide is my final exercise of control over my life. I built up a castle of falseness and now its being raided by reality. At least I caught reality while its still on the horizon. And I will spit in realities face by taking my own life. I am a coward who will not face reality and is spiteful of it at that