I've been here for a long time in the background, but only joined and posted for the first time today. So despite never having spoken to anyone here before, I feel like I know many of you. Thanks for keeping me virtual company and letting me listen to your problems. I like to help others by nature so I've always wanted to post more often, but at the moment I can't even help myself.
So I hope you don't mind listening to me in my last few days. I really have no-one else to talk to.
I'm in my 40s and I've had depression/stress/ anxiety for as long as I can remember. Probably other things too which I've never had diagnosed. I'm a university lecturer, and I only live for work. Most of what we do is entirely unimportant, but we're certainly expected to spend a long time doing it, so most of us wear a happy mask while dying aside. Some people cope with that better than others. I threw the mask away some time ago.
I've managed to barely survive for the last few years, largely because my line manager/head of department was sympathetic and realised I was slightly crazy. He was good at making allowances for that. Then a few months ago a new head of department came along. She seemed reasonably human before that, but from day 1 of being in charge she turned into a complete nightmare and has been directly discriminating against me based on my mental health problems. She doesn't care about them and seems to be trying to make them worse. She's succeeded too, and I've decided to ctb within the next week. I was hoping to stay alive for a little longer so that I could make a last visit to my parents who live a long distance away just to say goodbye (without actually saying goodbye). But she's made that impossible now.
So my plan is as follows. Over the weekend, I'm going to try hanging. There's no chance of being found too soon as I live alone and none of the neighbours will worry that they haven't seen me. I usually manage to go years without seeing them as the agony of making polite conversation is too great.
If that doesn't work, on Sunday evening I'm planning to go to my office and jump out of the window. It should be high enough. We have a new intake of students arriving on Monday, so hopefully I'll be able to do it in the early hours of the morning so that I'm removed before any of them are awake and have to witness it. If you live in the UK it might well make the news. The media seem to like stories about academics falling to their death for some reason, especially as it's a university which has had a problem with student suicides recently.
Plan C, if I talk myself out of the window scenario, is jumping in front of a passing train on Monday. It's a station where some trains stop and others pass through, so I'll fall in front of a passing one. There is one point during the day when two trains pass in opposite directions at more or less the same time, so perhaps I could get hit by both just to be on the safe side.
That's my story anyway. I'm sure your story is different and might sound more depressing than mine, but I hope you don't mind me telling it anyway.
So I hope you don't mind listening to me in my last few days. I really have no-one else to talk to.
I'm in my 40s and I've had depression/stress/ anxiety for as long as I can remember. Probably other things too which I've never had diagnosed. I'm a university lecturer, and I only live for work. Most of what we do is entirely unimportant, but we're certainly expected to spend a long time doing it, so most of us wear a happy mask while dying aside. Some people cope with that better than others. I threw the mask away some time ago.
I've managed to barely survive for the last few years, largely because my line manager/head of department was sympathetic and realised I was slightly crazy. He was good at making allowances for that. Then a few months ago a new head of department came along. She seemed reasonably human before that, but from day 1 of being in charge she turned into a complete nightmare and has been directly discriminating against me based on my mental health problems. She doesn't care about them and seems to be trying to make them worse. She's succeeded too, and I've decided to ctb within the next week. I was hoping to stay alive for a little longer so that I could make a last visit to my parents who live a long distance away just to say goodbye (without actually saying goodbye). But she's made that impossible now.
So my plan is as follows. Over the weekend, I'm going to try hanging. There's no chance of being found too soon as I live alone and none of the neighbours will worry that they haven't seen me. I usually manage to go years without seeing them as the agony of making polite conversation is too great.
If that doesn't work, on Sunday evening I'm planning to go to my office and jump out of the window. It should be high enough. We have a new intake of students arriving on Monday, so hopefully I'll be able to do it in the early hours of the morning so that I'm removed before any of them are awake and have to witness it. If you live in the UK it might well make the news. The media seem to like stories about academics falling to their death for some reason, especially as it's a university which has had a problem with student suicides recently.
Plan C, if I talk myself out of the window scenario, is jumping in front of a passing train on Monday. It's a station where some trains stop and others pass through, so I'll fall in front of a passing one. There is one point during the day when two trains pass in opposite directions at more or less the same time, so perhaps I could get hit by both just to be on the safe side.
That's my story anyway. I'm sure your story is different and might sound more depressing than mine, but I hope you don't mind me telling it anyway.
