I wanted to share my story and why I'm here. Its an in depth post and I also ask some questions/need help at the bottom. Thanks for reading.
It always comes back to one thought: it's just too much. I hate when people say "life is unfair" without leaving out the most important part: Life is more unfair for some than it is for others. a lot more. Every day I'm stuck with pain in my spine that won't go away. It makes it incredibly difficult to function. On top of that, I've had a pretty fuckin rough childhood and life. And yet I grew up in a nice house with decent parents. And after years of feeling like I couldn't say that I've had it harder than others, it's too late. The damage is done. I've done a lot of bad things because of trauma and shit. And no matter what, the guilt eats away at me. It's just too much. I can't look people in the eye. I can't function at all. I'm always so crippled by anxiety and this physical pain. I don't think I'd really be leaving and life behind, because I'm not really living one in the first place. The worst part is: I've tried. I've tried really hard. To be positive and just keep doing what I can, it's how I was raised. But that only gets you so far. And the fact is, after trying so hard for so long and getting nowhere, sometimes you just gotta admit what it is. I can't take it any longer. I'm 28 years old and things are getting worse, not better. My parents are getting older and they might die at any time. My dog who I love more than anything in the world is getting older and might die at anytime. I haven't had any friends in 10 years. And he's my best friend. I can't stand losing him. I want to go before he does. No matter how hard I've tried to turn it around, I can't. I still get treated poorly, all my coworkers dislike me, I get stared at in public(which just makes the anxiety worse). I'm so lonely and sad. I'm a nice person, but I'm just so awkward and stuck with all this pain and nervousness that no one likes to be around me. I've tried medicine and it has not helped that much for me. I have tried therapy and have done everything they have suggested. When I was 18 I gained 100 lbs (from 140 to 240) because I was eating my feelings away. I worked my ass off to get back down to 140, but now I have all this horrible extra skin all over my body and stretch marks and my body image is just as bad. What was the point? I don't want to get into the fucked up shit I've experienced but it's bad enough. There's this line from a song I like that goes something like this: "I don't want a slice, let me just taste the pie." I've been working my ass off just for a little taste of living right and things going well. I'm just stuck in the same spot, watching so many other people be so happy and enjoying life and having so many friends and girlfriends and being successful without having to deal with much adversity. I just want a little and I can't even get that. Things just get worse. It's just too much at this point. I'm getting older and I don't wanna lose my boy. Id rather just end it now and hopefully there's a heaven and I'll see him there. I had a shotty that I was going to use, but my dumbass left it in the garage at my parents house and they found it. They got rid of it somehow. It was incredibly hard to get and I definitely don't think I can get another one. I liked that method because it was pretty instant and foolproof. CTB with a rope or SN is more scary for me because of higher chances of failure. But that's my only options right now. I wanted to share my story and see if I can get some help with finding out how to make those more foolproof, especially the SN. If it doesn't work are there any potential permanent affects like with rope (paralyzed)? SN is what I'm leaving toward because if it doesn't work I'll just be hella sick right ? Not a vegetable. I don't have SN either and I'm not sure where to get it. I've read the SN bible so far and I'm trying to also assemble the other items necessary but that can seems hard as well. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.
-PB
It always comes back to one thought: it's just too much. I hate when people say "life is unfair" without leaving out the most important part: Life is more unfair for some than it is for others. a lot more. Every day I'm stuck with pain in my spine that won't go away. It makes it incredibly difficult to function. On top of that, I've had a pretty fuckin rough childhood and life. And yet I grew up in a nice house with decent parents. And after years of feeling like I couldn't say that I've had it harder than others, it's too late. The damage is done. I've done a lot of bad things because of trauma and shit. And no matter what, the guilt eats away at me. It's just too much. I can't look people in the eye. I can't function at all. I'm always so crippled by anxiety and this physical pain. I don't think I'd really be leaving and life behind, because I'm not really living one in the first place. The worst part is: I've tried. I've tried really hard. To be positive and just keep doing what I can, it's how I was raised. But that only gets you so far. And the fact is, after trying so hard for so long and getting nowhere, sometimes you just gotta admit what it is. I can't take it any longer. I'm 28 years old and things are getting worse, not better. My parents are getting older and they might die at any time. My dog who I love more than anything in the world is getting older and might die at anytime. I haven't had any friends in 10 years. And he's my best friend. I can't stand losing him. I want to go before he does. No matter how hard I've tried to turn it around, I can't. I still get treated poorly, all my coworkers dislike me, I get stared at in public(which just makes the anxiety worse). I'm so lonely and sad. I'm a nice person, but I'm just so awkward and stuck with all this pain and nervousness that no one likes to be around me. I've tried medicine and it has not helped that much for me. I have tried therapy and have done everything they have suggested. When I was 18 I gained 100 lbs (from 140 to 240) because I was eating my feelings away. I worked my ass off to get back down to 140, but now I have all this horrible extra skin all over my body and stretch marks and my body image is just as bad. What was the point? I don't want to get into the fucked up shit I've experienced but it's bad enough. There's this line from a song I like that goes something like this: "I don't want a slice, let me just taste the pie." I've been working my ass off just for a little taste of living right and things going well. I'm just stuck in the same spot, watching so many other people be so happy and enjoying life and having so many friends and girlfriends and being successful without having to deal with much adversity. I just want a little and I can't even get that. Things just get worse. It's just too much at this point. I'm getting older and I don't wanna lose my boy. Id rather just end it now and hopefully there's a heaven and I'll see him there. I had a shotty that I was going to use, but my dumbass left it in the garage at my parents house and they found it. They got rid of it somehow. It was incredibly hard to get and I definitely don't think I can get another one. I liked that method because it was pretty instant and foolproof. CTB with a rope or SN is more scary for me because of higher chances of failure. But that's my only options right now. I wanted to share my story and see if I can get some help with finding out how to make those more foolproof, especially the SN. If it doesn't work are there any potential permanent affects like with rope (paralyzed)? SN is what I'm leaving toward because if it doesn't work I'll just be hella sick right ? Not a vegetable. I don't have SN either and I'm not sure where to get it. I've read the SN bible so far and I'm trying to also assemble the other items necessary but that can seems hard as well. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.
-PB
