This is my first post on SS, and I am grateful to have found a site like this one. Here's my story—I have three kids (23, 17, 15) and a dog. My kids (especially the oldest and youngest) are, for all intents and purposes, alienated from me. (Note that an alienated parent is one who is rejected by one or more children for no good reason—alienated children are usually being manipulated by the other parent, or they feel forced to choose between parents for some other reason.) The middle one is a people pleaser, so she goes along with her brother and sister. I haven't seen my oldest since December 2019, and while I still have a court order requiring the two minors to see me, I imagine that my middle kid will stop seeing me as soon as she turns eighteen, and the youngest will refuse to see me as soon as he thinks he can get away with it.
The kids, their other parent, and I have had a parental alienation evaluation, which showed (1) there is no valid reason (i.e. abuse, neglect, substance abuse) for my kids to reject me, and (2) the younger two are definitely alienated, but there is no evidence that their father is the alienator. All evidence points to their oldest sibling as the alienator. (As an aside, the experts I have spoken with—NOT the local people who did the evaluation—say that's how it works—the alienating parent picks off the oldest one, then lets that kid do the dirty work going forward.) Although we are currently in a program that is supposed to help with these issues, I am not hopeful that we will make any real progress. I feel almost certain that my relationships with my oldest and youngest children are lost. Maybe I can get somewhere with my middle one, but with the pressure that will come from all around her to reject me, I'm not hopeful. In addition, the middle one adores her stepmother and stepsister, who is about a year younger than her, and you know my ex has no problem with my middle kid preferring their "new" mom to me.. All three kids have done some really nasty things to me, and it is nearly agonizing to be anywhere near any of them now. But, the experts say, "keep showing up, keep showing your kids that you love them; they really do love you, they are just being manipulated."
Then I have my dog. He is the one being on this planet who has never let me down and who has always been there for me. He is now 13, and has endured abandonment after abandonment. First my oldest kid moved out, then he lost his "dad" (my ex) and now there is a weird relationship with the other two, since they come and go. I am the only part of his pack that has never abandoned him, and who has always been there.
I am tired. I don't want to fight for relationships with my kids anymore. It's so hard to see pictures of friends on facebook with their kids or to hear about their families. Hell, I can't even stand watching commercials with parents and their kids. I want to just tell all of my kids to f#$k off and walk away, but I know doing that won't make the pain I feel go away. I know I can get through it—learn to live with it and reinvent myself, but I don't want to. I just want to die. Here's the thing—I no longer feel any sense of responsibility or loyalty toward my children, but I do feel a sense of responsibility and loyalty to my dog. He has a heart condition, but he is on medication, and he still has a high quality of life. I would never put an animal down for MY convenience, so I will be here for as long as my dog is alive…period.
On the other hand, I look at my kids, and I feel that if I were to ctb, they would deserve to have to live with the guilt of knowing they contributed to it. Their father would of course, tell them how selfish I was and how people who ctb are just selfish people. (He once said this to our oldest kid when she was going through a rough patch and cut her wrist, not because she was trying to commit suicide, but more because she was acting out.) The oldest and youngest have been horrible to me (the youngest regularly tells me how much he hates me, and when I ask why, he says it should be pretty obvious and if it isn't he isn't going to tell me.) The middle one (usually) does not participate in the nastiness, but she enables the nastiness by giving the other two an audience.
I'm tired of fighting; I'm tired of hurting; I'm tired of crying, and I don't think I will want to live in a world without my dog.
That's all for now. Please no, "Life can always get better," messages. When I think back to the first time I contemplated suicide (thirty years ago), if, at that point, I would have seen a synopsis of where my life has been since then, I would have killed myself then. I know that maybe some day, down the road, things could turn up, but I'm tired of the pain and suffering. I'm ready to ctb.
The kids, their other parent, and I have had a parental alienation evaluation, which showed (1) there is no valid reason (i.e. abuse, neglect, substance abuse) for my kids to reject me, and (2) the younger two are definitely alienated, but there is no evidence that their father is the alienator. All evidence points to their oldest sibling as the alienator. (As an aside, the experts I have spoken with—NOT the local people who did the evaluation—say that's how it works—the alienating parent picks off the oldest one, then lets that kid do the dirty work going forward.) Although we are currently in a program that is supposed to help with these issues, I am not hopeful that we will make any real progress. I feel almost certain that my relationships with my oldest and youngest children are lost. Maybe I can get somewhere with my middle one, but with the pressure that will come from all around her to reject me, I'm not hopeful. In addition, the middle one adores her stepmother and stepsister, who is about a year younger than her, and you know my ex has no problem with my middle kid preferring their "new" mom to me.. All three kids have done some really nasty things to me, and it is nearly agonizing to be anywhere near any of them now. But, the experts say, "keep showing up, keep showing your kids that you love them; they really do love you, they are just being manipulated."
Then I have my dog. He is the one being on this planet who has never let me down and who has always been there for me. He is now 13, and has endured abandonment after abandonment. First my oldest kid moved out, then he lost his "dad" (my ex) and now there is a weird relationship with the other two, since they come and go. I am the only part of his pack that has never abandoned him, and who has always been there.
I am tired. I don't want to fight for relationships with my kids anymore. It's so hard to see pictures of friends on facebook with their kids or to hear about their families. Hell, I can't even stand watching commercials with parents and their kids. I want to just tell all of my kids to f#$k off and walk away, but I know doing that won't make the pain I feel go away. I know I can get through it—learn to live with it and reinvent myself, but I don't want to. I just want to die. Here's the thing—I no longer feel any sense of responsibility or loyalty toward my children, but I do feel a sense of responsibility and loyalty to my dog. He has a heart condition, but he is on medication, and he still has a high quality of life. I would never put an animal down for MY convenience, so I will be here for as long as my dog is alive…period.
On the other hand, I look at my kids, and I feel that if I were to ctb, they would deserve to have to live with the guilt of knowing they contributed to it. Their father would of course, tell them how selfish I was and how people who ctb are just selfish people. (He once said this to our oldest kid when she was going through a rough patch and cut her wrist, not because she was trying to commit suicide, but more because she was acting out.) The oldest and youngest have been horrible to me (the youngest regularly tells me how much he hates me, and when I ask why, he says it should be pretty obvious and if it isn't he isn't going to tell me.) The middle one (usually) does not participate in the nastiness, but she enables the nastiness by giving the other two an audience.
I'm tired of fighting; I'm tired of hurting; I'm tired of crying, and I don't think I will want to live in a world without my dog.
That's all for now. Please no, "Life can always get better," messages. When I think back to the first time I contemplated suicide (thirty years ago), if, at that point, I would have seen a synopsis of where my life has been since then, I would have killed myself then. I know that maybe some day, down the road, things could turn up, but I'm tired of the pain and suffering. I'm ready to ctb.
