Hey there. I'm really sorry to hear about your current situation. Feel most free to write me a private message about everything on your mind right now (in whichever amount of detail you feel comfortable in) about your current spot rn as well, and I'll try my best to write something that is hopefully of some ease.
hello, i'd like to thank the sasu team for letting me join first of all.
i don't know what to do and i can't really talk about this with anyone else.
I feel you on this. It's very claustrophobizing to bottle all these feelings up inside. That's why places like
this exist, so we can experience peace and relief through the catharsis of expressing ourselves and feeling understood
There is a deep desire for a place like this to exist: A place where suicidal people can let their hearts out without fear of reprisal. So started a place of honest outlet when the alt.suicide.holiday newsgroup first originated; and now we sit here today, in a space where we need not fear reprisal or social risk from others. Welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, a place where you can express yourself wholly freely, a deeply personal place that I hope you will feel soundly accompanied in.
i just feel very panicked and trapped right now.
I feel you on that.
It's OK to feel panicked and trapped in life; who hasn't, really?
I encourage you to allow yourself to feel your emotions to your deepest degrees. Engaging in art that soothes us and possibly even
resonates with our current state, can really help as well--especially music. If you're a poet or like to write that can help as well, just in case that's of note to you as well.
I write about the nature of 'allowing yourself to feel', I suppose--in
this very (
very!) long forum post of mine. I get super philosophical in that post--and it may not completely align with your own beliefs (which I [do] completely respect), so just keeping that in mind as well.
I just let them flow through me.
And allow myself to feel all the pain and suffering that comes with myself; to allow myself the catharsis that such intrusive thought craves for.
[...]
The way I deal with my suffering, is just to let it all flow through me. To allow myself to cry out as loudly as I wish to—in my own mind, and sometimes (if I'm in secrecy) by mouthing it out, too—for death, in wincing of pain. I let it all flow through me like a river, like a raging waterfall. And I allow myself to feel this pain to it's fullest degree, without trying to stop myself from feeling pain or thinking it's wrong to be feel pain either.
[...]
So we realize that we don't have to be sane all of the time. It's OK to fall apart and feel fucked up for the day, to be overridden with unbearable emotions and suffering.
*NOTE. Reminds me of one sign I once read, saying the following:
I'm not here to tell you to keep it together. I'm here to tell you it's OK to fall apart.
i'm at that point in life where i'm applying to schools for the first time
and i really don't think i'll be able to get in anywhere.
Ah... stressful indeed. Really hope it turns out well for you <3
no matter how hard i try it's like there's this fog in my brain
Brainfog is difficult indeed. For me it feels like my soul has burned up and I'm smelling the incense of it; and everything in me and my thoughts is but all a daze--with no way to chart a path forward coherently. It is difficult indeed; you grapple with a greatly debilitating affliction of cognition that I do imagine affects many severely, but we often do not hear of this enough, due to the unfortunate silence such a struggle often imbues in people. I am grateful you have enough words in you to write this to us
words are power and [being capable of] expression some days is a valuable feat, not to be understated ;)
so i just can't keep myself organized and my grades suffer as a result.
I feel you on this, too--actually. I'm an extremely disorganized person productivity-wise as well, it feels like I just fuck shit up with school by just not doing homework right and not paying enough attention in class, either. I just want to say that you're not the only person who feels like they're fucking up school <3 I keep with you in solidarity with that--and even if my grades do improve, I pledge to maintain sympathy with all those who struggle with the mind-boggling struggle of academic incoherence. It is a trial I would not wish upon anybody. <3
my depression doesn't help things either.
I am most sorry to hear that. I hope you are able to have the finest of care for your depression, and treat this (very serious) affliction the best it can be treated. If you are currently in therapy or meds I wish you the best of progression with that as well, even in the face of all the struggle you may have endured in the past and the difficulty you face now. Best of luck :)
perhaps it wasn't your fault that you were born with depression and thus had your productivity marred by factors outside your control :) maybe you really
did want to do better, but were just drained of energy and hence unable to--perhaps not all the blame is on you, after all--just an idea.
i know it's too late to fix anything.
I feel you are far farther in comprehending your issues than most--you have clearly outlined a few issues:
- stress from school applications
- brain fog / depression
- organization struggles / grade struggles
- pressure from mother / family, fear of disappointment
- pressure from financial expenditures for your behalf
I can't help but feel that
many of these issues, are ones most commonly experienced by humanity, and ones that I am sure many others have found healing for and may provide healing for as well. Some of them biological (depression), others psychological (grades, brain fog), and even societal/social (fear of dishonor before family/mom, tuition guilt, etc).
I think you have a fair shot at fixing some of the core issues afflicting your life right now. Of course, I'm not saying that suicide
isn't an option (I mean... it
technically always is), but I just want you to be aware of that it isn't your
only option, of course--so you don't have to feel
forced into it, or anything. Suicide to me should never be something done out of reluctance or a deep desire to do something else; to me it's meant to be a "last option", when all else fails. A "break glass in case of emergency", one might even say. But breaking that glass likely hurts your hand pretty badly (especially if your name is Holden Caulfield), so utmost consideration & deliberation should be taken rather than taking that route.
I also encourage a "3 day rule" or even "1 week rule" before even thinking going through with an attempt as well; this way you ensure your attempt is not based off of impulse or other. I confess I can't feel completely at ease with the idea of a same-day-decision to same-day-attempt kind of ethos; I think there
should be some kind of cooldown period, because nobody wants to end up making decisions that aren't ideal :) (especially the permanent kind!! i imagine
those are quite the oopsie daisy!!)
i see the way my mother looks at me, i know she's disappointed and sees me as a burden.
Am sorry to hear that. Feel free to tell us more about how you feel about your relations with your mother as well; that can be a very difficult thing to deal with in life. I know it's very difficult on you and I wish you best of luck navigating that struggle <3
i feel awful about all the money my family has wasted on college funds.
I can completely understand that. But I do promise you that they knew what they were doing when they signed up for that; that they
did intend to do so--for if they did not, they would've simply withdrawn and asked you to pay instead. I'm sure they are at peace with the money they spent and have no qualms or regrets with that money they've given--rest assured, you don't have to bear your
own guilt for
their decisions :)
if i don't get accepted anywhere i think my only choice is to ctb so i can't disappoint anyone further.
I can certainly feel you on that. That cutting despair, that strikes right into your soul, the feeling of truly no way forward.
It is... honestly quite the intoxicating feeling. I dare even say "euphoric", even.
But one ought to understand the strength of this emotion, that it can sometimes blind us to alternate options--possibly alternates to death, even.
Have you considered paths like community college, that are often a lot cheaper and have a lot more chill academic rigor? They can be a great path for going into employment and even just familiarizing yourself with academia and the world in general, too. You can even transfer to a more prestigious university after 2 years in some community colleges, too!--so you get the ease of the community college experience combined with the prestige of a fine university. Community college transfer plans can be a fine choice, and certainly an option worth considering.
Conclusion
I very much feel you on the academic struggle part. It has been a serious reason that I have really wanted to kill myself here and there as well--I do indeed completely feel you on that.
But I feel I would be dishonest if I did not implore you to take another look at potential alternative routes as well. After all, suicide is always available, so I suppose it wouldn't hurt to delay it after all.
"When people come to me saying they want to kill themselves, I tell them, "What's your rush? You can kill yourself any time you like. So calm down. ... And they do calm down."
—Emil Cioran
(no idea about Cioran btw, just saw this quote around here, lol)
I encourage you to look into further college counseling options, of alternate career paths; in addition to potentially improved professional psychological assistance for your clinical depression, as well. Know these are all very serious issues that many in your current spot have indeed ended their lives over, that there
are indeed many alternate solutions you can employ; that there are indeed many in your current situation who
have ended up overcoming it and reaching lives they are satisfied with--despite the depths of their despairs.
Catching the bus is not your only choice, despite how it may feel like it. There are many alternate routes at your disposal. Yes, that includes catching the bus--so I encourage you to look over all your possible options, and include all possibilities in charting your next path forward. Even
if everything is 'truly cooked', then it still does you good to consider all your other paths for the sake of ensuring you are not glossing over any possible sources of peace or ease that might be available to you.
And in any case. I wish you the best with everything. I feel you would be quite happy to be able to overcome all the struggles that you currently grapple with in your life (school, depression, family, etc) and can achieve a life you are at peace with. Many in similar spots and minds such as yours have overcome similar issues too, so I hope you may be able to join them in success, too. And alas, no matter what; SaSu is always most welcome to hear whatever you feel. Whether you feel like dying, or even feel like living; all viewpoints are embraced and given love on this platform. This is a fine, fine place to be yourself--and to seek ease from fellow human beings. We are glad to have you, and your presence is valued here. Good luck.
Welcome. Welcome to Sanctioned Suicide. You have chosen, or been chosen, to relocate to one of our finest remaining suicidal boards. I thought so much of Sanctioned Suicide that I elected to establish my Administration here, in the Forum so thoughtfully provided by Our Benefactors. I have been proud to call Sanctioned Suicide my home. And so, whether you are here to stay, or passing through on your way to parts unknown, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide. It's safer here.
