Mayfly
Dorkmaxxing
- Feb 17, 2023
- 46
Tomorrow is my first Thanksgiving without you, and it feels like I'm walking through a hollowed-out version of the world: Everything is dimmer. Color, sound—all of it feels like it's just there to fill space. I'm trying to be grateful—for my family, for my cats, for the little things that still manage to bring me some kind of joy—but it's been hard to ignore the absence of what we had.
You're not here to wish me a nice day. You're not here to make me laugh with some stupid joke or to fill my phone with messages that make me feel like I'm not so alone in this world. You're not here. I miss that and I miss you. Every part of you, the things I used to brush off but now find myself aching for—because they were you. They were us.
Since we ended, everything's felt so dauntingly uncertain. I don't know where I'm going or who I'm supposed to be anymore. We used to talk about the future, about all the things we wanted to do together, and now I can't even bring myself to think about what comes next. It's like I'm stuck in this limbo where the world keeps moving forward, but I'm just here. I'm the same person you met in years ago, that same foolish person. Just as self-serving as before. Still holding on to all the things I wanted to say, all the things I wish I'd done differently.
I don't even know if you think about me anymore. Maybe you're just fine in college. And I guess that's what I want for you, deep down. I want you to be happy. But it's hard to reconcile that with the part of me that selfishly wishes you were missing me too, that you were feeling this same heaviness in your chest that's been following me around all day. I know you don't deserve that, and I guess that's the worst part of it all. I wish I were half as good as you are, in every sense of the word.
I hate how much power these thoughts have over me. I hate that I still care this much.
I don't know how to end this, because it feels like it's never really going to end. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and it won't hurt as much. Maybe next Thanksgiving I'll be able to look back on this and feel something softer, less raw. But for now, I'm just trying to make it through the rest of today without letting this emptiness drag me down further.
You're not here to wish me a nice day. You're not here to make me laugh with some stupid joke or to fill my phone with messages that make me feel like I'm not so alone in this world. You're not here. I miss that and I miss you. Every part of you, the things I used to brush off but now find myself aching for—because they were you. They were us.
Since we ended, everything's felt so dauntingly uncertain. I don't know where I'm going or who I'm supposed to be anymore. We used to talk about the future, about all the things we wanted to do together, and now I can't even bring myself to think about what comes next. It's like I'm stuck in this limbo where the world keeps moving forward, but I'm just here. I'm the same person you met in years ago, that same foolish person. Just as self-serving as before. Still holding on to all the things I wanted to say, all the things I wish I'd done differently.
I don't even know if you think about me anymore. Maybe you're just fine in college. And I guess that's what I want for you, deep down. I want you to be happy. But it's hard to reconcile that with the part of me that selfishly wishes you were missing me too, that you were feeling this same heaviness in your chest that's been following me around all day. I know you don't deserve that, and I guess that's the worst part of it all. I wish I were half as good as you are, in every sense of the word.
I hate how much power these thoughts have over me. I hate that I still care this much.
I don't know how to end this, because it feels like it's never really going to end. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and it won't hurt as much. Maybe next Thanksgiving I'll be able to look back on this and feel something softer, less raw. But for now, I'm just trying to make it through the rest of today without letting this emptiness drag me down further.
