Discussion For those who used to hate yourselves but no longer do, share your stories.

[Forever Sleep]

I've noticed this quite a bit on the forum. Members saying that they hate themselves. I just wondered how many people we have here that used to feel this way but managed to reduce the intensity of those feelings or banish them all together.

I do remember hating myself when I was young and, saying as much to a relative. Who- sensibly told me- I ought to change the things I hated then. Which kind of stumped me because, I wasn't entirely sure what it was I hated. Just that I was deeply unhappy with myself.

Looking back now, I was being massively bullied by a (suspected) narcissist and I suspect that I'd simply just internalised all the stuff they said to me. Plus, feeling that I couldn't cope in life I think made me find fault with myself.

Later on and even now, I can hate and feel embarassed about ways I've acted. Not a great excuse but, huge social anxiety has resulted in me acting pretty rudely on occassions. I try hard now to bring that to mind if I'm in a situation where I may end up doing the same.

I suppose what I'm trying to say though- members who hate themselves. Have you questioned why? If it's behaviours you tend to repeat- why do you suppose you have those behaviours in the first place? It's not meant to be- 'Don't blame yourself, blame someone else instead!'

Still, I think it's only fair on yourselves to try and figure out how this came about. Don't just assume you were born unpleasant- if you even are! I guess I just find it hard to believe people here are that awful. Even when they insist they are. I'm not sure someone that self aware can be that awful. Surely, guilt and remorse has some sort of preventative effect. Plus, I think the worse kind of people don't feel remorse at all.

It just makes me sad really because, life is hard enough as it is. There are already plenty of people who will be happy to berate you. Don't do it to yourself as well! In a way, we're our own best allies. When we're fighting against our own selves too- that makes things even harder!

I suppose I just wanted to say- those who do hate yourselves- ask why. What was your upbringing like? Were you constantly berated? Do you suppose you've internalised criticism? Is it some sort of defence mechanism? Or, awkwardness around people? Those aren't things you should hate yourself for. They're unfortunate traits- certainly and they probably do need (uncomfortable) work done to rectify.

I suppose I think it's forgiveness that's the start of healing. Maybe you can forgive yourself some of your undesirable traits if you realise they weren't your fault initially. Then ideally, work at changing them I suppose.

What are your experiences? Why do people hate themselves?

 

[Pluto]

 

[resurgence]

i hated myself as a teenager, absolutely completely and did everything in my power at the time to cease existing.
i still feel the same way i felt then in regards to mental health and wanting to not be here, but i dont..... see myself as some irredeemable evil creature that deserves nothing anymore? it just kind of happened over time

 

[nothinghereforme]

I still hate myself but ever since I accepted my chronic pain won't ever go away I realized I always hated everyone else even more than I hate myself and that I should make myself as unpleasant to be around as possible to help push myself towards finally CTB and having peace since I have no other choice

 

[quietism]

i hated myself as a teenager, absolutely completely and did everything in my power at the time to cease existing.
i still feel the same way i felt then in regards to mental health and wanting to not be here, but i dont..... see myself as some irredeemable evil creature that deserves nothing anymore? it just kind of happened over time

I hated myself in school too. But I think it's pretty simple for me; everyone around me, the other kids and teens I was bullied by, most of the teachers and my caretakers were telling me to hate myself. Argumentum ad infinitum is terrifyingly effective.

Living alone has been miserable in some ways, but it also distances myself from that disgusting rhetoric. I haven't hated myself for years, and I don't hate the people that hurt me either. I find it in my heart to forgive them - in a safe way, that doesn't expose me to more harm. It was hard to do at first but over time I've also kind of slowly realised how pointlessly counterproductive hatred is.

On the other hand, I have no reservations about hating the human race in general for its overwhelming tendencies towards retributive justice, social hierarchies, exploitation, and so on. But I will never hold individuals accountable.

I suppose I think it's forgiveness that's the start of healing. Maybe you can forgive yourself some of your undesirable traits if you realise they weren't your fault initially. Then ideally, work at changing them I suppose.

Well said.

 

[yellowjester]

I realized that I was never meant to become a winner in life. I never stood a chance. The best thing I can do is become a spectacular failure. When I put all all my energy into pursuing that goal, I feel at ease with myself, and the hatred subsides.

 

[Forveleth]

Similar to everyone else here, I was bullied when I was younger so I hated myself for that. But also my parents were pretty strict about things like my appearance and hobbies, so I could not be "myself" which means I hated myself even more. Once I got older and realized it doesn't matter what people think of me and I could finally dress and act like I wanted, I stopped hating myself.

I think it just comes with age. We put way too much weight on social acceptance until about 30. After that we realize everyone feels the same about themselves and no one really gives a shit about what you think they do, a lot of the self-criticism melts away.

 

[sammiechzxv]

I've just gotten to know myself better with time. I used to live with a mindset that bad things happen to bad people and I had to have been a bad person to live so miserably, or to be so lonely in my life. But plenty of people I admired felt this way too and I guess that realization gave me a lot to think about.

I'm empathetic and am willing to inconvenience myself to help others. I do my best to understand people's sides before making judgements. So many people lack these traits completely and willfully. So why should I see myself as such a bad person?

I'm not perfect, I'm not even good, but I try and that's a lot more than many people could say. And for that I can't hate myself.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

My cat likes me, so I can't be that bad, can I?

Seriously, though. I came to realise that most of the reasons why I hated myself were not my own. Rather, I had internalised a bunch of voices of other people, and was using them to judge myself, measuring myself against made-up notions that I believed these people had for me — hating myself for not living up to standards that I imagined others had for me, pretty much. Once I realised that, the process of ridding myself of those voices began.

With that weight off my shoulders, the other reasons why I hated myself morphed into things I could control — patterns of thought, behaviours, expectations that were self-sabotaging. It takes work, but I've been able to gradually free myself from those. And, through therapy and practice, I've developed a sense of awareness that I very much lacked not long ago. I still fall into those self-sabotaging antics sometimes, but I can usually see myself doing it now, and that awareness, on its own, allows me to reassert control and try to act differently.

I have also learned to accept the fact that I am a flawed being, and that is fine because we all are flawed. Instead of chastising myself for not reaching some arbitrary standard of goodness or perfection, I try to be kind to myself. Turns out there is no reason to hate myself, after all.

 

[Cloud Busting]

On August 28th, 2023, I failed a hanging attempt. I alerted my landlord, my friends, my family, and the police beforehand, so I knew the psych ward was where I was ending up. As a result I checked myself in before being found, as voluntary admission is the better alternative.

I was expecting everyone I knew to hate me for this. My depression and anxiety made me feel like such a burden, as I couldn't handle basic tasks, couldn't work, snapped at people and was irritable and raging, found no joy or pleasure in anything my loved ones wanted me to experience with them, and was having panic attacks out in public. I didn't want to die inasmuch as I felt as I owed it to the people I love, so I wouldn't have to bother them with my instability anymore.

I imagined they would view me as attention seeking and would be upset I worried them only to make it out alive. I felt like a poser, an imposter, a fraud. To correct this, I planned to check out early and attempt until I succeeded. To my shock, I realized to die was a bigger burden on my family than being mentally ill (from their calls and visits,) and ever since then I have crossed suicide off the table. That doesn't mean I could never get on the other side of suicide again (I think I'm experiencing another depression and if I don't relieve it I'll likely be suicidal again,) so my options now are to relapse into active addiction (it's my suicide alternative and arguably saved my life) or to recover. Recovery is the only viable solution and I do think it's possible.

I suppose I think it's forgiveness that's the start of healing. Maybe you can forgive yourself some of your undesirable traits if you realise they weren't your fault initially. Then ideally, work at changing them I suppose.

Have you ever seen Bojack Horseman? The titular character is absolutely a piece of shit. He nearly had sex with a 17 year old and took 17 minutes to contact the police when his old costar (whom he introduced alcohol to at ten and called her up to party when she was sober for 9 months) was overdosing, which lead to her death at 30. His conflict is knowing what a piece of shit he is, and his own shame, remorse, and guilt leads him to believe that's all he is, so he selfishly continues to think he doesn't deserve help and that a massive asshole is all he is ever going to be.

In the end, he accepts prison to make up for his wrongs and to keep himself on track, and thanks those for believing in him and encouraging him to get help despite being so shitty. While he may commit bad deeds, the show emphasizes that generational trauma and his own self-loathing made him this way. Acceptance and forgiveness doesn't redeem him for his wrongs, but puts him on the path to become better.

I am a perfectionist. I'm sure many things made me hate myself, like genetic tendencies, being raised to believe in hell and original sin, my mother's abuse, my father- a supportive role model- tragically passing at only 32, bullying, ableism, ect. I am in the process of exploring these things through therapy at the insistence of my bf. I don't want to because it's going to hurt and will make me crave alcohol, drugs, and suicide, but I need to if I want to heal.

I like how @TransilvanianHunger put it, and I think it's a consistent theme of Bojack Horseman too. Human beings are complex and flawed, and these binary categories of good and bad does us no good as a species. If I do bad things and hate myself for it, I'm stuck in a self-destructive cycle that is hurtful for everyone around me. Forgiveness, acceptance, self-compassion, and deciding to be better is the only way. It doesn't matter if I am a bad person or not, and I deserve to be better (I was convinced for ages I did not.)

TL;DR: I stopped hating myself because it left me stagnant, selfish, and hurt everyone who interacted with me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

On August 28th, 2023, I failed a hanging attempt. I alerted my landlord, my friends, my family, and the police beforehand, so I knew the psych ward was where I was ending up. As a result I checked myself in before being found, as voluntary admission is the better alternative.

I was expecting everyone I knew to hate me for this. My depression and anxiety made me feel like such a burden, as I couldn't handle basic tasks, couldn't work, snapped at people and was irritable and raging, found no joy or pleasure in anything my loved ones wanted me to experience with them, and was having panic attacks out in public. I didn't want to die inasmuch as I felt as I owed it to the people I love, so I wouldn't have to bother them with my instability anymore.

I imagined they would view me as attention seeking and would be upset I worried them only to make it out alive. I felt like a poser, an imposter, a fraud. To correct this, I planned to check out early and attempt until I succeeded. To my shock, I realized to die was a bigger burden on my family than being mentally ill (from their calls and visits,) and ever since then I have crossed suicide off the table. That doesn't mean I could never get on the other side of suicide again (I think I'm experiencing another depression and if I don't relieve it I'll likely be suicidal again,) so my options now are to relapse into active addiction (it's my suicide alternative and arguably saved my life) or to recover. Recovery is the only viable solution and I do think it's possible.



Have you ever seen Bojack Horseman? The titular character is absolutely a piece of shit. He nearly had sex with a 17 year old and took 17 minutes to contact the police when his old costar (whom he introduced alcohol to at ten and called her up to party when she was sober for 9 months) was overdosing, which lead to her death at 30. His conflict is knowing what a piece of shit he is, and his own shame, remorse, and guilt leads him to believe that's all he is, so he selfishly continues to think he doesn't deserve help and that a massive asshole is all he is ever going to be.

In the end, he accepts prison to make up for his wrongs and to keep himself on track, and thanks those for believing in him and encouraging him to get help despite being so shitty. While he may commit bad deeds, the show emphasizes that generational trauma and his own self-loathing made him this way. Acceptance and forgiveness doesn't redeem him for his wrongs, but puts him on the path to become better.

I am a perfectionist. I'm sure many things made me hate myself, like genetic tendencies, being raised to believe in hell and original sin, my mother's abuse, my father- a supportive role model- tragically passing at only 32, bullying, ableism, ect. I am in the process of exploring these things through therapy at the insistence of my bf. I don't want to because it's going to hurt and will make me crave alcohol, drugs, and suicide, but I need to if I want to heal.

I like how @TransilvanianHunger put it, and I think it's a consistent theme of Bojack Horseman too. Human beings are complex and flawed, and these binary categories of good and bad does us no good as a species. If I do bad things and hate myself for it, I'm stuck in a self-destructive cycle that is hurtful for everyone around me. Forgiveness, acceptance, self-compassion, and deciding to be better is the only way. It doesn't matter if I am a bad person or not, and I deserve to be better (I was convinced for ages I did not.)

TL;DR: I stopped hating myself because it left me stagnant, selfish, and hurt everyone who interacted with me.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I haven't seen Bojack Horseman. It sounds a pretty intense film. Interesting though.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I haven't seen Bojack Horseman. It sounds a pretty intense film. Interesting though.

Thank you for reading. Being concise is not my strong suit.

Bojack Horseman is an adult animated Netflix series that lasted for 6 seasons. It's been lauded for its character development and realistic depiction of the human experience. In particular, it has probably one of the most accurate portrayals of mental illness (depression and addiction especially) that I've ever seen. It normalizes seeking treatment and I really like that. The characters are all very multi-faceted and layered, neither good nor bad.

The reason I brought it up is I agree that a lack of remorse is worse than guilt and that many people here are exaggerating their awfulness. However I do think shitty people can realize they are shitty, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Bojack himself exemplifies this in spades.

Hate is the biggest evil I think. It's so easy to justify self-loathing because at least you're taking it out on yourself, not others. However we are interconnected, so our self-hate is destructive to other people, not just ourselves. When we believe we are shitty, we tend to act shitty. I was so toxic to others when I thought I was awful. Once again, self-fulfilling prophecy.

Similar to everyone else here, I was bullied when I was younger so I hated myself for that. But also my parents were pretty strict about things like my appearance and hobbies, so I could not be "myself" which means I hated myself even more. Once I got older and realized it doesn't matter what people think of me and I could finally dress and act like I wanted, I stopped hating myself.

I think it just comes with age. We put way too much weight on social acceptance until about 30. After that we realize everyone feels the same about themselves and no one really gives a shit about what you think they do, a lot of the self-criticism melts away.

I was raised in a similar environment. My mother was very traditional and conservative and I too felt I couldn't express or be myself at all. Moving out and becoming independent helped a lot. My mother could no longer control me and even if she's disappointed, she knows she can't change me since I'm responsible for myself now. It's been awesome.

As someone turning 31 in may, my intuition that the 30s would be the greatest decade of my life is so far proving true. We will see if that holds up when (and if) I reach my 40s.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'll never stop hating myself. Certainly not as long as society stops judging people for their appearances, life experiences, and behaviors. Trump will apologize for something before that happens.

It's not like what could be said to be my good attributes have allowed me to be either happy or successful.

I have participated and been complicit in causing myself lifelong trauma so no amount of mental soothing could eliminate self-hatred.

 

[milkteacrown]

All my early life, I despised myself. I thought I was annoying, ugly, awkward, stupid, and everything in between. At some point, around 14 years old, I decided that I was intelligent enough that I should feel good about myself and not care as much about what I'm lacking. This radical acceptance approach made me stop hating other things, like my appearance. I have a very normal level of self esteem now, which is honestly a little crazy to consider since I so earnestly believed things would never change when I was young!