I need to make my first attempt soon. And I hope it will be the last.
I will need to somehow ask my family for cash to buy everything I need. And I don't know what impact this will have for them later.
I can't go out or go to the hotel. Because of my situation, I can't give them a reason for this.
And they wouldn't let me be alone anyway.
At the same time, I haven't gone out for years... And if I suddenly go out, other reasons will be added to this and it will attract a lot of suspicion.
Cutting my wrists vertically or sticking a knife into the jugular vein or heart were not recommended at all.
These were the first methods that came to my mind.
I had thoughts of doing this under hot water at night when everyone was asleep.
I was thinking about cyanide, but I learned that it is banned... It has been used for suicides in the past, which led to the decision to ban its sale.
Unfortunately, hanging myself completely at home, hidden from everyone, is not an option.
At the same time, psychologically, this method is harder than sticking a knife in my heart.
Yesterday I found the veins in my throat for the partial suspension method, and observed what would happen by applying pressure for the first time.
I felt my face swell and something stop or move in the veins next to my eyes. And again I realized that the drowning method was not possible for me.
I'm not sure yet, but SN seems like something I can access. I think there will be no problem if they do not ask for any documents to purchase.
I have over-the-counter painkillers and pills for nausea at home.
However, I do not know if there is any drug with antidepressant effect.
If there is any left over of my mother's medications, maybe I can take a few without realizing it.
Unfortunately I'll have to do this in my room when everyone else is asleep.
I physically put two of the letters I wrote yesterday on paper. The first one was written as a dedication to my entire family.
The other one is for my mother.
That leaves 4 more letters that need to be physically put on paper. I will try to complete this today.
For someone of my weight, 25 grams of SN in 50ml of water is enough, at least that's what it says.
Eating is not something I can do psychologically anyway. I just don't feel like eating.
So fasting will not be difficult. I've seen stun sprays on the internet. These are ether-based sprays.
I don't know how logical it would be to be exposed to it and faint after taking SN.
If the sprays work and I pass out, I don't know if I'll still throw up.
Ether was used for anesthesia in old times.
However, although they are sold today, they are not used. I haven't fully researched its effect either.
I don't have the strength to do this anyway.
It's not fair that it's so hard for a wish to die in a shitty situation to become a reality.
For years, I have been wishing to be erased from existence every time before sleep.
And just in case this might be a big wish, I have a "sleep wish" with multiple alternatives.
Sometimes I express the wish, sometimes I repeat it in my mind, and sometimes I say "Hello, my sleep wish." I gathered all the alternatives under this sentence.
But there are no miracles and that's why I have to write this right now. Sometimes I think it might be easier to do it with someone who really wants to die. But trusting is hard in itself.
I wish it were possible for everyone to swallow a capsule and reach the end like in the movies.
Or if everything was a dream when I woke up and I was someone who never had a family.
That way I wouldn't have to care which method it was and would go to the end.
The medications I currently have are as follows.
° Nausea pill. Active ingredient: 10 mg metoclopramide HCl
° Rileptide 1MG contains 1MG Risperidone.
And there is this information: RILEPTID belongs to the group of medicines used in cases of some kind of mental disorder (psychosis).
° RANTUDIL FORTE 60MG RANTUDIL FORTE contains acemethazine as the active ingredient. Acemetazine belongs to a group of non-steroidal anti-inflammatory (NSAI) drugs that have anti-inflammatory, analgesic and antipyretic effects.
° Prozac 25 mg.
° Paraflex 250 mg
It is a muscle relaxant agent that acts on the central nervous system and is used in painful conditions of skeletal muscles.
° ATARAX 25MG
I do not know which of these drugs should be used and which should not be used. My mind feels like it's going to explode and unfortunately I can't take action and research.
Notes:
° I found a product with the following description for the test kit for SN. Description: "TO determine the nitrite (NO2) value in freshwater and marine aquariums." The product has a mixing bowl, we shake the sample and 15ml of liquid that comes with the product at the specified rate and control the color that emerges after 5 minutes.
(There are many kits on Amazon, but the delivery date is very long.)
The fear of failure prevents me from thinking clearly with every passing second.
I want to go somewhere where no one can find me.
I will need to somehow ask my family for cash to buy everything I need. And I don't know what impact this will have for them later.
I can't go out or go to the hotel. Because of my situation, I can't give them a reason for this.
And they wouldn't let me be alone anyway.
At the same time, I haven't gone out for years... And if I suddenly go out, other reasons will be added to this and it will attract a lot of suspicion.
Cutting my wrists vertically or sticking a knife into the jugular vein or heart were not recommended at all.
These were the first methods that came to my mind.
I had thoughts of doing this under hot water at night when everyone was asleep.
I was thinking about cyanide, but I learned that it is banned... It has been used for suicides in the past, which led to the decision to ban its sale.
Unfortunately, hanging myself completely at home, hidden from everyone, is not an option.
At the same time, psychologically, this method is harder than sticking a knife in my heart.
Yesterday I found the veins in my throat for the partial suspension method, and observed what would happen by applying pressure for the first time.
I felt my face swell and something stop or move in the veins next to my eyes. And again I realized that the drowning method was not possible for me.
I'm not sure yet, but SN seems like something I can access. I think there will be no problem if they do not ask for any documents to purchase.
I have over-the-counter painkillers and pills for nausea at home.
However, I do not know if there is any drug with antidepressant effect.
If there is any left over of my mother's medications, maybe I can take a few without realizing it.
Unfortunately I'll have to do this in my room when everyone else is asleep.
I physically put two of the letters I wrote yesterday on paper. The first one was written as a dedication to my entire family.
The other one is for my mother.
That leaves 4 more letters that need to be physically put on paper. I will try to complete this today.
For someone of my weight, 25 grams of SN in 50ml of water is enough, at least that's what it says.
Eating is not something I can do psychologically anyway. I just don't feel like eating.
So fasting will not be difficult. I've seen stun sprays on the internet. These are ether-based sprays.
I don't know how logical it would be to be exposed to it and faint after taking SN.
If the sprays work and I pass out, I don't know if I'll still throw up.
Ether was used for anesthesia in old times.
However, although they are sold today, they are not used. I haven't fully researched its effect either.
I don't have the strength to do this anyway.
It's not fair that it's so hard for a wish to die in a shitty situation to become a reality.
For years, I have been wishing to be erased from existence every time before sleep.
And just in case this might be a big wish, I have a "sleep wish" with multiple alternatives.
Sometimes I express the wish, sometimes I repeat it in my mind, and sometimes I say "Hello, my sleep wish." I gathered all the alternatives under this sentence.
But there are no miracles and that's why I have to write this right now. Sometimes I think it might be easier to do it with someone who really wants to die. But trusting is hard in itself.
I wish it were possible for everyone to swallow a capsule and reach the end like in the movies.
Or if everything was a dream when I woke up and I was someone who never had a family.
That way I wouldn't have to care which method it was and would go to the end.
The medications I currently have are as follows.
° Nausea pill. Active ingredient: 10 mg metoclopramide HCl
° Rileptide 1MG contains 1MG Risperidone.
And there is this information: RILEPTID belongs to the group of medicines used in cases of some kind of mental disorder (psychosis).
° RANTUDIL FORTE 60MG RANTUDIL FORTE contains acemethazine as the active ingredient. Acemetazine belongs to a group of non-steroidal anti-inflammatory (NSAI) drugs that have anti-inflammatory, analgesic and antipyretic effects.
° Prozac 25 mg.
° Paraflex 250 mg
It is a muscle relaxant agent that acts on the central nervous system and is used in painful conditions of skeletal muscles.
° ATARAX 25MG
I do not know which of these drugs should be used and which should not be used. My mind feels like it's going to explode and unfortunately I can't take action and research.
Notes:
° I found a product with the following description for the test kit for SN. Description: "TO determine the nitrite (NO2) value in freshwater and marine aquariums." The product has a mixing bowl, we shake the sample and 15ml of liquid that comes with the product at the specified rate and control the color that emerges after 5 minutes.
(There are many kits on Amazon, but the delivery date is very long.)
The fear of failure prevents me from thinking clearly with every passing second.
I want to go somewhere where no one can find me.
Last edited:
