Forced to Think About Future

[dazed.daydreamer]

I'm someone who can generally get by day-by-day, even if I'm often low-functioning and miserable, by not thinking about my broader situation too much and taking things one day at a time. This has worked okay enough through undergrad (I'm at a 4-year college in the US), barely getting by with my work, doing what I can academically and socially (and work-wise) when I can and rotting in my dorm the rest of the time. But now I'm meant to graduate in spring, and I can no longer take things day-by-day; I have to think about my future. I should be applying to grad schools now, but I get really upset and panic once I do. I don't think my resume will be good enough to get in straight away, when it would have been if I didn't drop the ball on multiple things because of my depression/mental illness. I could apply to some post-bach programs or figure something else out and end up fine maybe, but then I'm forced to think about how my depression and mind in general have been deteriorating for so long and I can barely get by at this point with no clue how to fix it or reason to believe it'll improve anytime soon. Undergrad has been forgiving enough, but the world won't be once I'm out of this bubble. And beyond work and academic obligations, I'm unable to form real bonds with people, the best I can manage is shallow friendship, and even there I am unreliable and anxious and annoying. I can't imagine myself ever able to commit to and handle a romantic relationship— I'd have to be substantially more stable, and beyond that work on myself until I'm at a point where I'm likable and could maybe make a good companion. I've become jaded and hedonistic in some ways after being depressed for so long, I no longer think I'm a good or reliable person even without the depression.
I'm being forced to recognize that, as is with my long-term, worsening depression, I have no prospects, socially nor academically/career-wise. This is despite being born into a comfortable and privileged life; this situation is purely because of myself and my own mind. I have to recognize that I am wasting a lot of other people's time, money, resources, effort, space, etc. just to give nothing back and be miserable all the while. I have to recognize that I've tried to fix this many times without any enduring success, continuously getting more depressed and cognitively dysfunctional. I'm scared of suicide, I've gotten close but SI has held me back, and I've held on to hope that things could get better and fix themselves before it's too late. But now, I'm on the verge of it being too late, and I have to accept that suicide is really my only (ethical, reasonable) choice. My other options being indefinitely freeloading off my family like a parasite, like I have been but without the excuse of being in school, and/or having them spend an arm and a leg on treatment programs that likely won't work.

 

[alienfreak]

Unfortunately I must say you remind me of myself 10 years ago. I ended up staying in that state and eventually getting a masters degree. But it never lead to anything good. I never did any internships and failed to ever enter the workplace. And failed to learn to deal with people. i suppose all i can recommend for you to avoid following my path is to force yourself to do internships and get a job if possible. If it seems impossible then maybe telling that to a psychiatrist will mean you can get medication that will make it possible. If that still isnt enough maybe you will get a diagnosis that will help you get support or help your family understand that they need to help you

Probably youre quite different from me, and hopefully not nearly as nonfunctional, since you dont mention anxiety so much and it sounds like you already have been working. You seem to still be quite young and nobody can know what youre capable of or what lucky/unlucky things will happen.

Perhaps the hardest part of recovery is that you have to switch from living from day-to-day to managing massive future planning challenges.