I've been mulling over what has brought me to this point. I can't share too much personal detail.
I experienced lots of trauma from an early age in the form of physical abuse from my parents. I grew up always feeling like an outsider, always feeling different. I realise now I was trying really hard to fit in and to feel loved and taken care of. Into adulthood, the same pattern has persisted. Like that imprinting process that animals do on their parent, I kept trying to find a good parent in the world, and always came up short. Of course I did - random people in my life can't replace the role of a parent. I know that now. For a long time I didn't, and I went from one parent figure to another, either being silly and too trusting or re-experiencing abuse or neglect, and it returning me to this horrible, cold, lonely place of not fitting in anywhere. That familiar bite of isolation reminds me I'm not going to find my tribe. There might not even be one.
Do you remember growing up in the 90s and early 2000s, how many kids TV shows were like "just be yourself!", "it's cool to be different!" and the myth that the awkward outsider eventually becomes the hero in their story? Well turns out that's not really true either. If you're not part of a wealthy, affluent, stable, (and white cis) background, the world makes it very hard for you.
So I've come to this point. I overcame such a lot, most people can't believe my origin story. They see this person who has achieved things, just like them, walking in social and professional circles just like them, but I'm not like them at all. I have an outer shell that hides the outsider within.
The last three years especially, fucking hell. People I trusted and respected and needed, let me down. I had to face my powerlessness and my complete lack of safety and protection, while the waves of life kept coming. Multiple failures. Non stop pressure from debt and a lack of support. Gaslighting from people who were supposed to be there for me. Lies, deception and flat out betrayal sealed me in. I was sitting at my desk, completely drowning in my work. Not supported or acknowledged. Micromanaged by fucking idiots. I took a leap of faith into a pen of stupid, idiotic peers who sold me a lie. After working myself to the bones over the last couple of years, something this summer just clicked (or snapped?). I could end it. Hand my notice in at work, take some time off, clean things up, and finish my life. And here I am, with just a few days left.
The thorn was in my heart before I had the sense to pull back.
I feel weirdly very peaceful. This week I cleaned my room, got rid of some crap I don't need. I don't want the last few days to be a rush, so I'll try to relax and pause and soak up the beautiful things that have made moments of this life worth living. I love the outdoors. I'll watch the night sky. I might try and swim. Soak up the garden.
What a weird, strange little life.
I experienced lots of trauma from an early age in the form of physical abuse from my parents. I grew up always feeling like an outsider, always feeling different. I realise now I was trying really hard to fit in and to feel loved and taken care of. Into adulthood, the same pattern has persisted. Like that imprinting process that animals do on their parent, I kept trying to find a good parent in the world, and always came up short. Of course I did - random people in my life can't replace the role of a parent. I know that now. For a long time I didn't, and I went from one parent figure to another, either being silly and too trusting or re-experiencing abuse or neglect, and it returning me to this horrible, cold, lonely place of not fitting in anywhere. That familiar bite of isolation reminds me I'm not going to find my tribe. There might not even be one.
Do you remember growing up in the 90s and early 2000s, how many kids TV shows were like "just be yourself!", "it's cool to be different!" and the myth that the awkward outsider eventually becomes the hero in their story? Well turns out that's not really true either. If you're not part of a wealthy, affluent, stable, (and white cis) background, the world makes it very hard for you.
So I've come to this point. I overcame such a lot, most people can't believe my origin story. They see this person who has achieved things, just like them, walking in social and professional circles just like them, but I'm not like them at all. I have an outer shell that hides the outsider within.
The last three years especially, fucking hell. People I trusted and respected and needed, let me down. I had to face my powerlessness and my complete lack of safety and protection, while the waves of life kept coming. Multiple failures. Non stop pressure from debt and a lack of support. Gaslighting from people who were supposed to be there for me. Lies, deception and flat out betrayal sealed me in. I was sitting at my desk, completely drowning in my work. Not supported or acknowledged. Micromanaged by fucking idiots. I took a leap of faith into a pen of stupid, idiotic peers who sold me a lie. After working myself to the bones over the last couple of years, something this summer just clicked (or snapped?). I could end it. Hand my notice in at work, take some time off, clean things up, and finish my life. And here I am, with just a few days left.
The thorn was in my heart before I had the sense to pull back.
I feel weirdly very peaceful. This week I cleaned my room, got rid of some crap I don't need. I don't want the last few days to be a rush, so I'll try to relax and pause and soak up the beautiful things that have made moments of this life worth living. I love the outdoors. I'll watch the night sky. I might try and swim. Soak up the garden.
What a weird, strange little life.
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