schrei_nach_liebe
Experienced
- Jul 6, 2023
- 227
I've already had the AEs on hand for ages both for this method and to use for regular AE purposes.
I stupidly got rid of my SN from probably 5 years or so ago which I would have gotten from a source that probably went by DD, but they only sell to businesses now. Now I have some on the way from the most prominent source I see on here. Had trouble finding it, tried and scrolled for hours several times. Finally found it recently and wanted to bang my head on a wall because it was so obvious, but I'm pretty sure I hadn't scrolled past it before, just wasn't using the right search engines or search terms. I won't respond to a DM about the source, no one did for me either, just have to do your work.
It really sucks that we don't have a right to a peaceful death as per the law, but a right to life is held so tightly whenever it's convenient for those in power, especially when it's a futile life and you can make money off of it. It's an unfortunate vestige of most religions shaping our culture too, in my opinion.
I can say the source is extremely fast and payment went through without a hitch. Tracking says it's on its way in less than 12 hours, and looking by the time of the actual shipping event, it was within a couple hours of the order, it just didn't show up on the carrier for a little while. I really hope this service stays in play because it's the only humane way to deal with someone like me. Almost every single minute of the last 23 years has been from mild to apocalyptic suffering, especially in the several years since my partially successful CTB (leading to an out of hospital cardiac arrest and coma). It just keeps getting worse objectively and subjectively. I get punished most severely when I do the right thing, I get punished when I have nothing left to give, and I get absolutely destroyed when I do the wrong thing. I no longer have the executive functioning to do the right thing. I never had anger issues, but I'm getting more and more furious about my attempt having been aborted. It makes absolutely zero sense how I was able to be brought back to "life". I had used my own method chiefly consisting of a tricyclic, carefully calculated along with antiemetics and some other stuff, I'm a licensed professional who deals with a lot of pharmacology and toxicology, I did know exactly what I was doing and I was assured a while after waking up that they had never seen such a lethal overdose, haven't seen that combination, and their minds were blown when I told them precisely what I did and how I took the stuff, they said it was even worse than what they knew, and I didn't vomit. That method literally took less than a minute too long, and I was found after about 40 hours, that's the kind of luck I have. It was even more improbable that I'm here writing this, because I was diagnosed GCS 3 for the first at least couple of days (that's a brain death diagnosis). Obviously I wasn't brain dead, but they didn't know I had anything in my system at that time, as they tested for basically everything I didn't take. If they had known what was in my system (the TCA in particular) they could not have made the brain death diagnosis. I was slated for organ harvesting, but somehow my parents overrode my donor status. So yeah I'm furious, but I also in good conscience cannot blame them, I just wish they could see things from my perspective. I have no regret about CTBing then, but I certainly have regret about my bad luck and the pain it caused everyone else, and it sucks they have to go through the grieving twice.
I kept holding out false hope, I did a lot of legwork trying to make my life better, even went back to school and got another degree. But I only dug myself in deeper. I was letting everyone else gaslight me so much that I ended up gaslighting myself.
I'm going to CTB in very short order after I get my hands on the shipment. The last time I did it, I still had some energy to get most of my loose ends tied up so other people wouldn't have to deal with it. Now my life is such a disaster I wouldn't even know where to begin, and I certainly don't have any incentive to try and clean things up anymore. It's just too far gone at this point, and I feel too much resentment towards the people who I would be cleaning it up for, because they either aggravated my situation or they were involved in me still being "alive". I don't want any sort of revenge, it's just that I don't have anything left to give. I feel so much cognitive dissonance just eating, hydrating, and breathing, because it just isn't in my best interest.
If this CTB fails, idk what I'm gonna do. Probably a train or something. I really don't want anyone else involved in my plan, but my freedoms keep getting taken away, and I kind of have the feeling that SN just won't be practically available soon. I'm pretty sure this is my last shot, either because of lack of energy or because I'll have no freedom left.
I stupidly got rid of my SN from probably 5 years or so ago which I would have gotten from a source that probably went by DD, but they only sell to businesses now. Now I have some on the way from the most prominent source I see on here. Had trouble finding it, tried and scrolled for hours several times. Finally found it recently and wanted to bang my head on a wall because it was so obvious, but I'm pretty sure I hadn't scrolled past it before, just wasn't using the right search engines or search terms. I won't respond to a DM about the source, no one did for me either, just have to do your work.
It really sucks that we don't have a right to a peaceful death as per the law, but a right to life is held so tightly whenever it's convenient for those in power, especially when it's a futile life and you can make money off of it. It's an unfortunate vestige of most religions shaping our culture too, in my opinion.
I can say the source is extremely fast and payment went through without a hitch. Tracking says it's on its way in less than 12 hours, and looking by the time of the actual shipping event, it was within a couple hours of the order, it just didn't show up on the carrier for a little while. I really hope this service stays in play because it's the only humane way to deal with someone like me. Almost every single minute of the last 23 years has been from mild to apocalyptic suffering, especially in the several years since my partially successful CTB (leading to an out of hospital cardiac arrest and coma). It just keeps getting worse objectively and subjectively. I get punished most severely when I do the right thing, I get punished when I have nothing left to give, and I get absolutely destroyed when I do the wrong thing. I no longer have the executive functioning to do the right thing. I never had anger issues, but I'm getting more and more furious about my attempt having been aborted. It makes absolutely zero sense how I was able to be brought back to "life". I had used my own method chiefly consisting of a tricyclic, carefully calculated along with antiemetics and some other stuff, I'm a licensed professional who deals with a lot of pharmacology and toxicology, I did know exactly what I was doing and I was assured a while after waking up that they had never seen such a lethal overdose, haven't seen that combination, and their minds were blown when I told them precisely what I did and how I took the stuff, they said it was even worse than what they knew, and I didn't vomit. That method literally took less than a minute too long, and I was found after about 40 hours, that's the kind of luck I have. It was even more improbable that I'm here writing this, because I was diagnosed GCS 3 for the first at least couple of days (that's a brain death diagnosis). Obviously I wasn't brain dead, but they didn't know I had anything in my system at that time, as they tested for basically everything I didn't take. If they had known what was in my system (the TCA in particular) they could not have made the brain death diagnosis. I was slated for organ harvesting, but somehow my parents overrode my donor status. So yeah I'm furious, but I also in good conscience cannot blame them, I just wish they could see things from my perspective. I have no regret about CTBing then, but I certainly have regret about my bad luck and the pain it caused everyone else, and it sucks they have to go through the grieving twice.
I kept holding out false hope, I did a lot of legwork trying to make my life better, even went back to school and got another degree. But I only dug myself in deeper. I was letting everyone else gaslight me so much that I ended up gaslighting myself.
I'm going to CTB in very short order after I get my hands on the shipment. The last time I did it, I still had some energy to get most of my loose ends tied up so other people wouldn't have to deal with it. Now my life is such a disaster I wouldn't even know where to begin, and I certainly don't have any incentive to try and clean things up anymore. It's just too far gone at this point, and I feel too much resentment towards the people who I would be cleaning it up for, because they either aggravated my situation or they were involved in me still being "alive". I don't want any sort of revenge, it's just that I don't have anything left to give. I feel so much cognitive dissonance just eating, hydrating, and breathing, because it just isn't in my best interest.
If this CTB fails, idk what I'm gonna do. Probably a train or something. I really don't want anyone else involved in my plan, but my freedoms keep getting taken away, and I kind of have the feeling that SN just won't be practically available soon. I'm pretty sure this is my last shot, either because of lack of energy or because I'll have no freedom left.
