I've posted this on the suicide discussion section, but wanted to get some input from here in case anyone's been through something similar or has something different to say.
After years of making it a fact that i would die this year, I've suddenly found the desire to live. I want to make it past the date I set. I don't really know what changed, but for the past month or two I've been much happier or better or whatever this good feeling is and found myself wanting to live a longer life. But as the date gets closer, I'm starting to go back to my suicidal thoughts and behaviour. It's not that I want to die, I feel like I have to. Thinking about the upcoming date reminds me of all the bad times and I don't know if it's a trigger or my mind is thinking "all that suffering for nothing?". Like I finally almost made it to the date and now I'm not going through with it? No matter how much i want to live, I have to ctb. It's like a prophecy I can't evade.
Or maybe deep down I wasn't actually better? I just wanted to enjoy the last few months knowing that my real and last ctb date (not the ones that came from impulse, the one I've planned for years) was soon. I made a detailed plan for the first time and have been following it for months to make sure I'd be ready for my ctb date which was something I've never done and maybe that's why all my other attempts to ctb never worked. So maybe this is the high that people get right before they ctb because they have everything ready? But at the same time, I feel like I genuinely do want to live and it's not just some high.
Another theory is that the past few months were just part of the endless cycle I always go through: 1. severely depressed 2. attempt or plan my attempt 3. back out and open up to someone 4. get "better"/help 5. regret and quiet down a bit 6. repeat. But I also don't think this is the case because this time is different. I'm actually doing things to avoid going through that cycle again. I used to just let it happen. I wanted it to happen. Now I'm actually trying.
What I'm trying to say is, what tf do I do? Or any advice? Because I want to live (I think so anyways, I don't even know at this point), but what if I can't? Should I just let go of this dream of wanting to live and accept my fate?
After years of making it a fact that i would die this year, I've suddenly found the desire to live. I want to make it past the date I set. I don't really know what changed, but for the past month or two I've been much happier or better or whatever this good feeling is and found myself wanting to live a longer life. But as the date gets closer, I'm starting to go back to my suicidal thoughts and behaviour. It's not that I want to die, I feel like I have to. Thinking about the upcoming date reminds me of all the bad times and I don't know if it's a trigger or my mind is thinking "all that suffering for nothing?". Like I finally almost made it to the date and now I'm not going through with it? No matter how much i want to live, I have to ctb. It's like a prophecy I can't evade.
Or maybe deep down I wasn't actually better? I just wanted to enjoy the last few months knowing that my real and last ctb date (not the ones that came from impulse, the one I've planned for years) was soon. I made a detailed plan for the first time and have been following it for months to make sure I'd be ready for my ctb date which was something I've never done and maybe that's why all my other attempts to ctb never worked. So maybe this is the high that people get right before they ctb because they have everything ready? But at the same time, I feel like I genuinely do want to live and it's not just some high.
Another theory is that the past few months were just part of the endless cycle I always go through: 1. severely depressed 2. attempt or plan my attempt 3. back out and open up to someone 4. get "better"/help 5. regret and quiet down a bit 6. repeat. But I also don't think this is the case because this time is different. I'm actually doing things to avoid going through that cycle again. I used to just let it happen. I wanted it to happen. Now I'm actually trying.
What I'm trying to say is, what tf do I do? Or any advice? Because I want to live (I think so anyways, I don't even know at this point), but what if I can't? Should I just let go of this dream of wanting to live and accept my fate?
