Story Free to CTB

[Dr Iron Arc]

Let's recap, shall we?

September 2023:

• I finally get a job application accepted. I had been trying since at least 2022 though I guess I could have been trying harder.
• This job is for a famous retail company. My shifts are usually only part time.
• With this I can finally make some money to acquire materials for my suicide and also get people off my case about not having a job.

January 2024:

• There's only a month left until my 30th birthday. I have to CTB before or at least around that time or else.
• Psyche! My stupid brain decides to develop feelings for a coworker who happens to be nice to me and nice to look at too.
• I flounder and flop around her but one day I finally get the courage to ask for her contact information.
• She agrees which seems like a good sign.
• Unfortunately she seems to ignore every message I try to send her. Well I only tried twice.
• She proceeds to keep sending me signals I perceive as mixed.

February 2024:

• I become aware that I am experiencing something called limerence, it's like having a crush on steroids and basically it hurts the person getting crushed on way more than the person having the crush, allegedly.
• Not wanting to hurt her, I try to make myself get over her but she just seemingly keeps roping me back in.
• I even forgo all my CTB plans as my 30th birthday passes. In the back of my mind I stupidly believe maybe she can save me from a fate of permanent inceldom. I know that she shouldn't have to carry that burden so I proceed to continue waffling around her and not engaging too much.
• This goes on for months.

March 2024:

• I end up having a panic attack one day when I see her walking with another man while she's there on her day off. The man could have been her brother or something for all I know and I still ended up panicking like a fool. This man is even taller than me too (I'm like 6'0 and he's like 6'4)
• This sets off a constant flux of anxiety and dread around her.
• I go on a vacation to Taiwan for my cousin's wedding. I'm gone for like 10 days. All I can think of is how much I miss her the whole time.
• When I come back she actually seems really happy to see me back. Might have something to do with the perm and haircut my mom made me get.
• I still don't feel ready to tell her I like her since I keep getting mixed signals from her. One day she'll seem really glad I'm around and on other days she'll completely ignore me when I'm right in front of her.

May 9th, 2024:

• I find out from another coworker that she actually doesn't like me like that all and that she seems to already be aware of my interest in her.
• He has the courtesy of telling me while I'm pissfaced drunk so I actually take it pretty well.
• Now that I know, it actually emboldens me to confess to her the next day. I only wish I could have known sooner.
• I figure that if she's gonna reject me I'll be totally prepared and ready for it.
• My plan is to receive her answer and say something like "understandable. Have a nice day." I make sure I don't want her to know anything about my intent to quit the job and eventually kill myself because I don't want to burden her with that information.

May 10th, 2024:

• My nerves get the better of me. I am completely unable to tell her how I feel because I was so prepared for a no answer, I had no plans for if she potentially said yes to me.
• She started seeming really especially nice to me that day for some reason. I started getting paranoid.
• The best I can do is manage to say "It was nice to work with you today." She says something like "Thanks."

May 12th, 2024:

• My chance has come again to tell her how I feel. Unfortunately she just happened to choose her most striking blouse. A really captivating shade of a deep yet bright blue. I'm reduced to incoherent babbles and giggling around her. My mind gets turned to mush.
• Unfortunately a different coworker picks up on this and tries encouraging me to tell her, without me actually confirming who this her is but I'm pretty sure it's obvious to him and many others.
• Now why would he want me to tell her? He talks to her even more than that other coworker so he should definitely know how she really feels about me? Does he want to see me suffer? That'd be weird since he always seemed nice to me too. On a later day, I accidentally tell him that my plan when I tell her and get rejected is to quit my job and eventually quit life too.

May 17th, 2024:

• This time for sure, I'm definitely absolutely going to tell her. Even if she says yes, I'll try to remind her of how much of an awful person I am and how much it would spare her to be rid of me! This time, there will be no more interruptions!
• My manager interrupts me and moves me away from her section after we close so I don't get to see her again. Oh well guess I can tell her on Sunday. Saturday I won't get to see her much anyway. It feels a lot like she was kind of expecting me to say something. There's no way

Today, Saturday, May 18th, 2024:

• I go into work but I'm not assigned to her section this time. No big deal. I wave to her a couple times when I pass by and she waves back.
• 3 PM. On Saturdays she leaves at 3 pm. I still have another 7 hours in my shift.
• While I'm patrolling through my spot, I notice her with that same guy I saw before. She says hi to me. I say hi back. I see her hugging him and looking at me.
• There it is. That's my answer. I guess she got sick of waiting for me to confess to her and just ripped the bandaid off for me. Honestly it's very noble of her to do this for me. She's so brave and smart. I knew I was too cowardly to ever actually tell her.
• I smile, drop everything I'm doing, and promptly tell my manager that I'm going home early. I also imply that I'm quitting but I don't think he wanted to hear it.
• Honestly the fact I didn't have a panic attack is to be commended. I drive around to various places psychotically laughing like l am the Joker but overall I'm fine.
• I get myself some frozen yogurt.
• Then I go see a movie, that weird one about the imaginary friends. It was okay. I teared up a little but not because it was especially good. I cried because the composer was so good at orchestrating six fucking notes oh yeah and because I thought it was incredibly unfair that the people who had had imaginary friends got to heal their inner children or whatever. I never fucking had an imaginary friend, where's my healing for my trauma? Am I sounding bitter? Maybe. First no imaginary friend in my life, then no girlfriend. I guess that's just how it is.
• Now I'm at Chili's trying to get drunk on margaritas and beer. Bottoms up.

So yeah. Again, props to her for rejecting me this way. She must have foreseen that I'd make an utter ass of myself so she chose to confirm her status in a way that lets me down gently with zero conversation involved. Weirdly, she changed her discord status right after that to "hugging is not bad". That can't be for me though. If I try to think about that being about me, then it means my male ego will be getting in the way. I should really just let her live her life and move on to the afterlife before I destroy another girl's life by being in it. Besides, if that status was for me, then why doesn't she just message me? Is it because I have my status set to invisible? Probably not. I'm just overthinking I guess so I'm going to drink so much I stop thinking at all about it.

I don't even think I'll show up to work tomorrow. I'm sure all my other coworkers are concerned about me but meh. I'm not special. Why should they care about me? Caring about me specifically is one of the stupidest things anyone can do.

Now that I'm out of this job I can finally use the money I've collected and start truly formulating my plans to die. It's going to take a lot of work and preparation but if I can't even plan for my death, the one thing I want more than almost anything else, then do I really deserve to live?

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

Not sure if I read it wrong but it sounds like you don't know if she ever was single because that guy could have been her bf from before she started working there if it's not her brother?

 

[Forever Sleep]

You have my sympathy. I'm pretty sure I suffer from limerence too. Around 13 years of crazy, intense and terribly embarassing crushes on people. I'm sorry.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Not sure if I read it wrong but it sounds like you don't know if she ever was single because that guy could have been her bf from before she started working there if it's not her brother?

That's correct. I didn't know if she was single at first. I didn't find out that she technically is until around May. That guy she's with is apparently more of a "friend with benefits" and she's not interested in any relationships according to the coworker who told me about her not liking me last week. I've entertained the possibility of allowing myself to be with her just once with no strings attached but I was getting scared of how out of character that seems for me and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't enjoy it as much. I only thought that guy could have been her brother at first because they didn't seem to have any affection or anything like that but today seemingly confirmed they're at least somewhat intimate so that's probably not her brother (would be even weirder if he is tbh).

 

[AnxietyHangover]

I am somewhat in the same boat, waiting for an answer, not from someone specifically, but an answer to my attempts of finding someone. I will receive my answer soon. You've got yours. Looking in retrospect, do you regret delaying your plans and all for this person?

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I am somewhat in the same boat, waiting for an answer, not from someone specifically, but an answer to my attempts of finding someone. I will receive my answer soon. You've got yours. Looking in retrospect, do you regret delaying your plans and all for this person?

I mostly do regret it but I guess I would have missed the experiences I had in Taiwan even if I spent most of that time obsessing. I think if I had known earlier, then at least I could have made more progress on my plans so even if I'd still be alive at this point I'd still have my plans progressed much further along.

Good luck on finding your answer though. Hope it works out for you.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

Well I think you should still officially let her know for the record. Maybe ask her to be discreet about your confession (if you do) for obvious reasons. But at least she'll know and have the information. She's not exclusive it sounds like, or even if she is with that dude, she could change that if she had a reason to. Keep your job and tell her. What happens, deal with it in a healthy way as best you can. Just my suggestion. Good luck. ✌

 

[ForgottenAgain]

It doesn't look that much like an answer to me tbh. Just a hug? Could be anything. Maybe I'm just a very straightforward person but all my past relationships started with me bluntly asking the guy "are you in love with me?" and based on the reaction and reply, I'd have my definite answer.

With my current boyfriend, he was a shy and nervous guy, so he kind of freaked out with how direct I was. He said "no" in a very convoluted way and my gut was telling me he liked me. On the next day at uni, I saw him and he was very sad so later that day I asked him again by saying: "Are you in love with me? Because it's not like there's no chance" and then he said yes.

I think getting a direct answer to your question would be better than assuming from a hug.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

I agree with @ DefinitelyReady and then go from there. Nonetheless, best wishes to you.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Well I think you should still officially let her know for the record. Maybe ask her to be discreet about your confession (if you do) for obvious reasons. But at least she'll know and have the information. She's not exclusive it sounds like, or even if she is with that dude, she could change that if she had a reason to. Keep your job and tell her. What happens, deal with it in a healthy way as best you can. Just my suggestion. Good luck. ✌

It doesn't look that much like an answer to me tbh. Just a hug? Could be anything. Maybe I'm just a very straightforward person but all my past relationships started with me bluntly asking the guy "are you in love with me?" and based on the reaction and reply, I'd have my definite answer.

With my current boyfriend, he was a shy and nervous guy, so he kind of freaked out with how direct I was. He said "no" in a very convoluted way and my gut was telling me he liked me. On the next day at uni, I saw him and he was very sad so later that day I asked him again by saying: "Are you in love with me? Because it's not like there's no chance" and then he said yes.

I think getting a direct answer to your question would be better than assuming from a hug.

I suppose I might as well tell her, assuming I feel up to showing up to work at all next time. At the very least, I need to come back and definitively put in my two weeks and then we'll see if I even bother showing up to all two weeks.

What made the hug feel more decisive was because in my mind, it felt like she went out of her way to go to where I was and show me this guy and then make an effort to show herself being somewhat affectionate towards him in front of me. What would be the point of this except to help me become aware of her status without having to make an even bigger ass of myself by confessing to her? I'm not knocking this tactic. I honestly find it quite brilliant from a tactical perspective. It saves us both a lot of conversation trouble since I have had such a hard time telling her already. Although I guess there is the possibility I completely missed some detail or misinterpreted something along the way as I am often inclined to do.

I am just worried that in my haste to leave, I may have told some other coworkers about the fact I am quitting. I didn't elaborate why but I'm sure the ones who are privy to my crush on her might have blabbed to others, especially my manager. Some of them did seem concerned about me but I guess I won't know to what extent they are until next time I see them. That might make coming in tomorrow seem even more awkward tbh.

 

[todiefor]

I think u need closure perhaps…it sounds like thoughts of this consumes your time and life and you have been making a lot of guesses and assumptions about what she feels and what she knows. For all you know she prob has no idea what has been going on in your mind at all about her. To spare yourself some heart ache perhaps come out with it earlier from now on instead of making assumptions based on perceived signals. I'm really sorry about your distress over this

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I think u need closure perhaps…it sounds like thoughts of this consumes your time and life and you have been making a lot of guesses and assumptions about what she feels and what she knows. For all you know she prob has no idea what has been going on in your mind at all about her. To spare yourself some heart ache perhaps come out with it earlier from now on instead of making assumptions based on perceived signals. I'm really sorry about your distress over this

You're right. I probably should have done the proper thing and told her sooner. I wish I wasn't such a coward. I wish I could have been better at knowing exactly what she's thinking so that I'd know exactly what she meant and felt. I don't want her to know too much because I wouldn't want her feeling guilty about it. I am certain that her deciding to agree to at least humor being with me out of pity is probably the worst outcome for both of us so I have to be extra careful not to end up in that scenario.

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

That's correct. I didn't know if she was single at first. I didn't find out that she technically is until around May. That guy she's with is apparently more of a "friend with benefits" and she's not interested in any relationships according to the coworker who told me about her not liking me last week. I've entertained the possibility of allowing myself to be with her just once with no strings attached but I was getting scared of how out of character that seems for me and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't enjoy it as much. I only thought that guy could have been her brother at first because they didn't seem to have any affection or anything like that but today seemingly confirmed they're at least somewhat intimate so that's probably not her brother (would be even weirder if he is tbh).you can just ask her who that guy is?

Can you ask her who that guy is? I think she'll be honest and if it's her bf then you'll know it probably wasn't meant to be.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Can you ask her who that guy is? I think she'll be honest and if it's her bf then you'll know it probably wasn't meant to be.

That's a good idea, I'll be sure to do that too whenever I get the chance.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

What made the hug feel more decisive was because in my mind, it felt like she went out of her way to go to where I was and show me this guy and then make an effort to show herself being somewhat affectionate towards him in front of me. What would be the point of this except to help me become aware of her status without having to make an even bigger ass of myself by confessing to her? I'm not knocking this tactic. I honestly find it quite brilliant from a tactical perspective. It saves us both a lot of conversation trouble since I have had such a hard time telling her already. Although I guess there is the possibility I completely missed some detail or misinterpreted something along the way as I am often inclined to do.

I highly think she didn't plan all that, I'll go so far as to say that it was a coincidence that you were there. We have a tendency to think it's all about us when in reality other people aren't thinking nearly as much about a situation as we are.

Definitely try to get a definitive answer if you can, it will be much more helpful for you than trying to guess based on hugs or looks.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I highly think she didn't plan all that, I'll go so far as to say that it was a coincidence that you were there. We have a tendency to think it's all about us when in reality other people aren't thinking nearly as much about a situation as we are.

Definitely try to get a definitive answer if you can, it will be much more helpful for you than trying to guess based on hugs or looks.

But she did do the hug immediately after she had already said hi to me. I probably wouldn't have noticed them if she hadn't acknowledged me.

Either way I do intend on getting some sort of answer from her. It'll just take a lot of steeling myself up.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Well. I had no opportunity to tell her today. All I could do was wave at her.

 

[selfcheckout]

Look, I'm going to give it to you straight. Your posts are some pretty creepy shit. You're pining way too much over this coworker. She's seeing someone else. Move on. If you can't accept that, I think you should get another job elsewhere.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

I suppose I might as well tell her, assuming I feel up to showing up to work at all next time. At the very least, I need to come back and definitively put in my two weeks and then we'll see if I even bother showing up to all two weeks.

What made the hug feel more decisive was because in my mind, it felt like she went out of her way to go to where I was and show me this guy and then make an effort to show herself being somewhat affectionate towards him in front of me. What would be the point of this except to help me become aware of her status without having to make an even bigger ass of myself by confessing to her? I'm not knocking this tactic. I honestly find it quite brilliant from a tactical perspective. It saves us both a lot of conversation trouble since I have had such a hard time telling her already. Although I guess there is the possibility I completely missed some detail or misinterpreted something along the way as I am often inclined to do.

I am just worried that in my haste to leave, I may have told some other coworkers about the fact I am quitting. I didn't elaborate why but I'm sure the ones who are privy to my crush on her might have blabbed to others, especially my manager. Some of them did seem concerned about me but I guess I won't know to what extent they are until next time I see them. That might make coming in tomorrow seem even more awkward tbh.

So don't act awkward toward them. You had a shit day and were ready to quit. People make rash decisions out of emotion and then through thought decide they make a mistake and try to fix it before it's too late. You said something, you don't owe them to follow through on it. You don't owe anyone anything except yourself and your family. Whatever shit happens, if you quit you'll be in a worse place and then you won't have that fall back.

As for her, that hug could've been totally deliberate and calculated, or completely innocent and accidental. People can read whatever they want to into something based on how they feel. So to clarify and alleviate the guessing and strife of not knowing, you lay out your cards and ask her for hers. Doesn't have to be a big, drawn out thing; a quick, "I don't know if you knew already, or are seeing someone, but I've been wanting to hangout/ask you out for a while. Just wanted you to know. But it doesn't have to be awkward if you're not interested. Just wanted you to have the facts." Smile and walk off. Ball is in her court. You can resume being co-workers or she'll let you know if she wants more. I hate not know and have regretted being too scared to tell a crush in the past and have realized if they don't even know, they can't even say yes, or whatever. Use your words. Just quick and concise. Everything can go back to normal. Co-workers will get over it, especially if they don't see you squirming about it or making it a big deal. Manipulate them for your benefit; don't let their affect manipulate you and control your life.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

So don't act awkward toward them. You had a shit day and were ready to quit. People make rash decisions out of emotion and then through thought decide they make a mistake and try to fix it before it's too late. You said something, you don't owe them to follow through on it. You don't owe anyone anything except yourself and your family. Whatever shit happens, if you quit you'll be in a worse place and then you won't have that fall back.

As for her, that hug could've been totally deliberate and calculated, or completely innocent and accidental. People can read whatever they want to into something based on how they feel. So to clarify and alleviate the guessing and strife of not knowing, you lay out your cards and ask her for hers. Doesn't have to be a big, drawn out thing; a quick, "I don't know if you knew already, or are seeing someone, but I've been wanting to hangout/ask you out for a while. Just wanted you to know. But it doesn't have to be awkward if you're not interested. Just wanted you to have the facts." Smile and walk off. Ball is in her court. You can resume being co-workers or she'll let you know if she wants more. I hate not know and have regretted being too scared to tell a crush in the past and have realized if they don't even know, they can't even say yes, or whatever. Use your words. Just quick and concise. Everything can go back to normal. Co-workers will get over it, especially if they don't see you squirming about it or making it a big deal. Manipulate them for your benefit; don't let their affect manipulate you and control your life.

I don't actually need my job. It's getting exhausting and I can still make money from being my autistic sister's caregiver. I don't feel right moving upward to become a manager or supervisor either because that would potentially be a conflict of interest since even if I get over her I'm not sure I could ever fully get over her while staying in the job. I can probably focus on trying to actually apply for a job relevant to my degree I guess, assuming I plan to live and not CTB.

Your advice about her makes way too much sense to me. I will make sure to keep it all in mind until next time I see her which would potentially be on Friday. I guess I could technically catch her at work before Friday on like Wednesday or Thursday on one of my days off.

I wonder if maybe everyone already knows already which means I have even more reason to leave. At this point it seems to have spread to so many people since one of the panic attacks I had was in front of a particularly gossipy coworker. He's alright and I honestly don't mind gossip about me as long as it's accurate.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

I don't actually need my job. It's getting exhausting and I can still make money from being my autistic sister's caregiver. I don't feel right moving upward to become a manager or supervisor either because that would potentially be a conflict of interest since even if I get over her I'm not sure I could ever fully get over her while staying in the job. I can probably focus on trying to actually apply for a job relevant to my degree I guess, assuming I plan to live and not CTB.

Your advice about her makes way too much sense to me. I will make sure to keep it all in mind until next time I see her which would potentially be on Friday. I guess I could technically catch her at work before Friday on like Wednesday or Thursday on one of my days off.

I wonder if maybe everyone already knows already which means I have even more reason to leave. At this point it seems to have spread to so many people since one of the panic attacks I had was in front of a particularly gossipy coworker. He's alright and I honestly don't mind gossip about me as long as it's accurate.

Well I hope it goes smoothly. As long as you don't let them know you're bothered by the gossip and act like nothing's going on, and you you're carefree, they'll drop their gossip because it won't be fun anymore for them. There's nothing to gossip about because he's (you) are good, even if you are so not... It'll blow over too. People who enjoy gossiping for entertainment will find something else. Feel sorry for them that they have nothing else meaningful in their lives to focus on that a guy who has a crush on a co-worker

I just don't want you to leave because you let their real or imagined opinions etc get to and made you feel like have to go. Hell later you can lie and say that you're seeing someone (after you figure out the status with your crush) just so they'll fuck off.

Walk tall. ✌ (even if you're already tall)