lawlietsph
can we be done here
- May 6, 2023
- 181
There's a guy who I talk to online. He broke my heart many times before, he's ignoring me for weeks because he's "busy" and somehow when I decide that I'm no longer going to say a single fucking word to him anymore, he always comes back.
He left when I got sick with Lyme disease, told me we shouldn't talk anymore because I obviously wanted more from him than he wanted from me. I was so sick and I cried, but he just left.
After a month he came back apologizing, but honestly ever since then I feel like I'm done with him. The problem is that I don't have anyone, not a single soul, so every crumb of attention he gives me is like drug.
Anyway, back to what just happened minutes ago. I struggle with money, and with work for 8 years now. I am autistic, can't tolerate a "regular" job, and I don't find a remote job no matter how hard I try.
The last 5 days I've spent being hungry as fuck, because I've literally had zero money and zero food. Sometimes I get paid for small online jobs and things like that, that's all. I have some money now, but not a lot. Anyway, I was hungry as hell. 2 days ago I've tried to hang myself. I told this dude that I am suicidal, but he kept going with the "oh no, you are strong and amazing, keep going" bullshit that everyone else does. Other times he ignored my messages when I just wanted to talk to him about suicide. I've had a huge mental breakdown, and decided to hang myself, but obviously SI kicked in so here I am. You have to understand that the main reason I am suicidal is money. Because here I am, a 28 years old woman, being broke as fuck.
Money is the main reason I am so sick mentally, and this guy knows it - I told him multiple times.
But just an hour ago he texted me - again, ignoring my messages for a whole week, saying how he just signed a HUUUGE contract and how he's going to make £83.000 next year.
So I was like nice, congrats
But he didn't finish there, he started to tell me how much money he is going to make on a daily basis and oh btw there are bonuses and AAAAALLL of that and I was just like congrats
but inside, I am slowly dying
It's stupid to compare ourselves, he is a man and I am a woman, we don't start equally anyway. He lives in the UK, I live in a poor shitty country. I shouldn't compare. But I do and it makes me want to stab myself in the head.
Why did he had to do this?
I am fucking starving on a daily basis, and he's texting me just to say how fucking rich he's gonna be.....
Nice. I'm very happy for you
Actually I am not happy, not at all.
Maybe this sounds stupid that I am mad about this. But when you have zero money, zero will to live, zero job opportunities, it hurts like hell.
There is not a minute in my life where I don't hate myself fully because being the unemployed piece of shit I am. So this just broke my heart into millions of pieces again. It seems like everyone is doing so well, everyone has money and can afford nice stuff. Why?
I am not lazy, I work so much around the house and around my animals, but obviously that's not a real job. Why is it so fucking hard? Why did he had to do this to me now?
I just want to die. Why am I such a waste of space
He left when I got sick with Lyme disease, told me we shouldn't talk anymore because I obviously wanted more from him than he wanted from me. I was so sick and I cried, but he just left.
After a month he came back apologizing, but honestly ever since then I feel like I'm done with him. The problem is that I don't have anyone, not a single soul, so every crumb of attention he gives me is like drug.
Anyway, back to what just happened minutes ago. I struggle with money, and with work for 8 years now. I am autistic, can't tolerate a "regular" job, and I don't find a remote job no matter how hard I try.
The last 5 days I've spent being hungry as fuck, because I've literally had zero money and zero food. Sometimes I get paid for small online jobs and things like that, that's all. I have some money now, but not a lot. Anyway, I was hungry as hell. 2 days ago I've tried to hang myself. I told this dude that I am suicidal, but he kept going with the "oh no, you are strong and amazing, keep going" bullshit that everyone else does. Other times he ignored my messages when I just wanted to talk to him about suicide. I've had a huge mental breakdown, and decided to hang myself, but obviously SI kicked in so here I am. You have to understand that the main reason I am suicidal is money. Because here I am, a 28 years old woman, being broke as fuck.
Money is the main reason I am so sick mentally, and this guy knows it - I told him multiple times.
But just an hour ago he texted me - again, ignoring my messages for a whole week, saying how he just signed a HUUUGE contract and how he's going to make £83.000 next year.
So I was like nice, congrats
But he didn't finish there, he started to tell me how much money he is going to make on a daily basis and oh btw there are bonuses and AAAAALLL of that and I was just like congrats
but inside, I am slowly dying
It's stupid to compare ourselves, he is a man and I am a woman, we don't start equally anyway. He lives in the UK, I live in a poor shitty country. I shouldn't compare. But I do and it makes me want to stab myself in the head.
Why did he had to do this?
I am fucking starving on a daily basis, and he's texting me just to say how fucking rich he's gonna be.....
Nice. I'm very happy for you
Actually I am not happy, not at all.
Maybe this sounds stupid that I am mad about this. But when you have zero money, zero will to live, zero job opportunities, it hurts like hell.
There is not a minute in my life where I don't hate myself fully because being the unemployed piece of shit I am. So this just broke my heart into millions of pieces again. It seems like everyone is doing so well, everyone has money and can afford nice stuff. Why?
I am not lazy, I work so much around the house and around my animals, but obviously that's not a real job. Why is it so fucking hard? Why did he had to do this to me now?
I just want to die. Why am I such a waste of space