Venting Fuck treatment resistant bipolar disorder

[Abbadab]

I'm 25 years old and have bipolar 2 with depression as my predominant polarity. I'd been depressed and more often than not suicidal for the last 20 years. I was just a precocious child like that. I was diagnosed with depression at age 2.

I was finally starting to feel OK early this year. It was the first persistent period of feeling of all right. It lasted until last week. I think it was precipitated by a combination of politics and relationship stuff.

I just don't think I can feel this bad again. I don't have it left in me. According to my psychiatrist, I've tried every med worth trying. I've been on ketatmine, ECT, and microdosing too. Countless therapy modalities.

It seems like most people struggle to endure even one suicidal episode. Until recently, this is all I've ever known. And now that I've had a taste of what it was like to feel better, I don't think I can do it all over again. It might be time to order SN. I live in California so getting it will be a struggle too

 

[Unleashtherain]

I have treatment resistant schizoaffective. Formerly, I was diagnosed treatment resistant Bipolar 1 with psychotic features. So I definitely understand your frustrations. I thought treatment was going to atleast give me some form of stability. Now I just take the medications so I don't have to deal with the withdrawals. Psychiatry really has no clue on what they are doing.

 

[Abbadab]

I have treatment resistant schizoaffective. Formerly, I was diagnosed treatment resistant Bipolar 1 with psychotic features. So I definitely understand your frustrations. I thought treatment was going to atleast give me some form of stability. Now I just take the medications so I don't have to deal with the withdrawals. Psychiatry really has no clue on what they are doing.

Even treatment-responsive schizoaffective has always sounded like hell to me. You're an absolute beast and your reigen pfp is 10/10

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I feel your pain. I have treatment resistant major depression. My current episode is going two years. I can barely function or get out of bed. I can't hang on much longer.

 

[Unleashtherain]

Appreciate you but these past 4 years since I actually received "proper treatment" have been horrifying. The meds have cause a lot of debilitating symptoms (parkinsonism, dysphagia, hydradenitis supporativa, diabetes) I did a voluntary admission in August and they stripped me of my anxiety meds and I'm literally sick every day. I honestly wish I would have just kept self medicating to be entirely honest with you.

 

[Abbadab]

I should've been more specific. You're strong for living through that, but you shouldn't have to be.

Irresponsibly managed psych meds can cause so much damage. I'm sorry your doctors haven't been more careful :(

Last time I was in inpatient they took me off my pain meds and I spent half the day crying. And that's been just the tip of the iceberg.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing, it sounds like you've suffered a lot, I imagine it must be tiring what you've been through. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Abbadab]

Appreciate you but these past 4 years since I actually received "proper treatment" have been horrifying. The meds have cause a lot of debilitating symptoms (parkinsonism, dysphagia, hydradenitis supporativa, diabetes) I did a voluntary admission in August and they stripped me of my anxiety meds and I'm literally sick every day. I honestly wish I would have just kept self medicating to be entirely honest with you.

Super random but I remembered that I meant to ask: have you tried zinc for your HS?

I had it for years and tried countless treatments with no relief until I went on zinc. Now my HS is totally gone. I just have a ton of scars left over.

Sorry if it's a dumb question and it's something you've already tried.

 

[Unleashtherain]

Super random but I remembered that I meant to ask: have you tried zinc for your HS?

I had it for years and tried countless treatments with no relief until I went on zinc. Now my HS is totally gone. I just have a ton of scars left over.

Sorry if it's a dumb question and it's something you've already tried.

I have not actually. Just a bunch of various antibiotics and prescribed washes. If I wasn't nearing my end point I'd give zinc a try. Thank you though for the suggestion. The HS was actually brought on from Lithium believe it or not. I've had issues with cysts prior but it was never diagnosed until lithium started.

 

[Abbadab]

I have not actually. Just a bunch of various antibiotics and prescribed washes. If I wasn't nearing my end point I'd give zinc a try. Thank you though for the suggestion. The HS was actually brought on from Lithium believe it or not. I've had issues with cysts prior but it was never diagnosed until lithium started.

Christ, mine started around the period I first went on lithium too. I wish I had kept better track of side effects like that

 

[Unleashtherain]

Yeah I wish I would have known beforehand. Even my psychiatrist was a bit dumbfounded. How was ECT if you don't mind me asking? They've pushed that on me for quite some time. Pretty much tried everything else.

 

[Abbadab]

Yeah I wish I would have known beforehand. Even my psychiatrist was a bit dumbfounded. How was ECT if you don't mind me asking? They've pushed that on me for quite some time. Pretty much tried everything else.

I was in an abusive situation, so I didn't improve much from ECT. On the flip side, pretty much everyone else I've known to do it has improved dramatically, even when other treatments failed.

The short term side effects are nothing to scoff at. It took me a couple years to get my brain back to its normal level of cognition. You will probably not be very functional during and for a while after treatment. I was really out of it which was honestly nice after being so severely suicidal for so long. Just sort of happy and oblivious. A couple years of my memories are mostly wiped, but I don't regret trying it. I'd do anything to get better.

IIRC it is probably the most efficacious treatment for depressive, psychotic, and many other types of symptoms. If the plan is to ctb anyway, it is, imo, incredibly worth trying. You have nothing to lose and potentially a lot to gain.

 

[Unleashtherain]

My mind is already pretty damaged from episodes and countless medications. I've been taking my old prescription of Xanax just to get through the days with this freaking withdrawal. I have zero clue how I'm even going to leave my home, hence I'm really considering CTBing with rather ineffective ways. My family has been against ECT since the beginning of treatment and I often wonder if it would have helped when it was offered. The main issue we all had is my psychiatrist at the time wanted me to do it for the rest of my life. Thank you for letting me know how it was for you. I know the feeling of trying anything to feel better. I really had high hopes for Spravato but stopped after 10 treatments as it made my psychotic symptoms worse and did nothing for the depression. Do you regret accepting treatment? I definitely do.

 

[Abbadab]

I've never even heard of ECT being used long term. I've heard of people doing touch-ups very very occasionally, but I don't think the idea is ever to use it in great amounts. And those people seem to be the outliers.

I should also mention that most people don't have as severe side effects as I did, but I thought I should be honest.

If you're up for it, I would consider at least getting another opinion from a more current psychiatrist. You are important, and any and all options should be exhausted before giving up on you.

 

[Unleashtherain]

He was actually a professor of Psychiatry he tried his best i'll give him that. I'm 41, so I've been through so many psychiatrists over the years it's just ridiculous. My last appointment they put me on Geodon simply because I've tried everything else. You on the other hand are still young and your intellect is still in tact. I know how horrible it is but I'd think about CTB carefully. Not here to change your mind, just a general observation. Becareful with the antipsychotics though they've caused me so much harm for zero relief.

 

[Abbadab]

He was actually a professor of Psychiatry he tried his best i'll give him that. I'm 41, so I've been through so many psychiatrists over the years it's just ridiculous. My last appointment they put me on Geodon simply because I've tried everything else. You on the other hand are still young and your intellect is still in tact. I know how horrible it is but I'd think about CTB carefully. Not here to change your mind, just a general observation. Becareful with the antipsychotics though they've caused me so much harm for zero relief.

I'm young, but I've never not been ill. Bipolar is really just the tip of the iceberg. Being moderately intelligent has just made me more aware of the situation :p

I've been on most of the APs. Some of them made my brain toast. Risperidone made me gain 60 lb.

If I go, nobody will be taken by surprise. I've been in and out of the hospital for so long. I'll feel terrible for hurting them regardless. If I had something else to try, I would try it. I hate that death is the best option. I'm the kind of roach that will cling to any excuse to keep going, hence why I've stuck around as long as I have despite feeling so bad.