Future fear

[okkkk]

Im still in the long process of trying to realize my ambitions in life. It keeps me here honestly. Yet the dismal reality I inhabit still eats me. And the isolation shifts my brain into existential nightmare gear. Its not sustainable and the idea of living even a year longer in my same circumstance seems like more pressure than my body can stand. Though this causes me intense grief I literally have nothing else but the project im currently doing. So regardless of how devastated I feel there really isnt anything to do but complete it. Its something to do but I have so much insecurity and fear about how little people see anything I do. I really want to lift myself out of the situation Im in with this project and i feel like its unfair to myself to expect that. because I cant expect any specific outcome. This dilemma causes me perpetual stress.
i wish i had someone on my team

 

[timf]

Carrying a heavy load can be taxing. However, sharing the load with someone who is unhelpful can be worse.

If you mind wanders into areas that are somewhat dark and you find it difficult to discipline your mind not to wander, you might consider distracting it occasionally with reading a book for fun or watching a movie.

It might not be much, but it can provide some relief.

You may not wish to place the totality of your identity into a project as when it ends, you may feel emptied. Keep some for yourself and the things you enjoy.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Do you love what you do, and would you do it even if no one saw it?

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Appreciate the small victories. Any progress you make is real and worthy of some celebration. It can be hard tackling a project; even mentally healthy people doubt themselves and worry about how capable they are. As much as it would be nice to say 'love what you do regardless of if people see it' I understand that we're all human and all care about what others think.

 

[okkkk]

Do you love what you do, and would you do it even if no one saw it?

Absolutely, and I have been doing it just for myself since I was a kid, and thats what made me want to make my life centered around art. It KILLS me how it always just goes back to the situation I was placed in and how desparate i am to leave it. Ideally I want to make money off of the thing that I love. And at this point its still too sporadic to support myself. Its promising in many ways. in peoples reactions, the people ive connected with because of it, the tiny amounts of money. But reality sets in. It takes time to make each release and time is exactly what I lack. Now its like im scrambling to make this profitible instead of just making shit I would want to see. All while I have to deal with all thats still broken in my world. Its so isolating and exausting. what keeps me going is just how fun it is when i get into the groove and forget about my life and the hope that these next releases will expose me to more people. Its just scary. Imagining my life staying the way it is is completely paralyzing and terrifying to me.

/end ramble
thx for replying its good to hear from u