I was constantly told me that I was sensitive since I was born so I perceived things negatively. My teachers would make fun of me in school and when I told my mother she would say its all in your head and that im making it up. The same happened with when I came out to them as gay, she said that the internet made me this way and that its all in my head- that im confused and I would need to pray to Allah to help change my sexuality. The psychiatrist also told her that im confused and this is all because of my depression. I was sexually assaulted by my peer when I was 8 years old. I suppressed it and when I got to remember the experience, I immediately told my mother who said it doesn't classify as rape and that it happens with everyone so its not a big deal. My brother told me that ill bring shame to our family by being gay and insult his reputation if everyone finds out and that how I need to act straight. He's extremely homophobic, once when the Orlando gay club shooting took place,he laughed and said that the victims deserved it. Im just so tired of being In this environment
Micro aggressions happen ALL the time and the majority of people to not see they are doing it, or that others are doing it. Some people feel we all should be able to take these micro aggressions and even more direct bullying as it 1) 'toughens us up' and/or 2) 'makes us stronger (implying better here)' and 3, 'that is just the way the world is'. 1 and 2, often, micro aggressions do not toughen us up and make us stronger, instead they either numb us to the negative effects they have on others or they actually shreds us down bit by bit as these micro aggressions eventually play as our internal dialogues for the rest of our lives, especially when you find that 3, is true, it IS the way the world is, people are nasty and mean to each other, to their families, to their friends, to their enemies and to anyone they perceive as different, which most often equals dangerous.
People, all of us commit micro aggressions all the time. MOSTLY unintentionally, and that we are TOTALLY unaware we are committing, which is WHY they try to tell us to 'just suck it up buttercup' and allow it to make us stronger, 'better' and tougher. Often, there are those of us that just cannot get this. We keep running into new people who treat us with the same micro aggressions and these solidify those inner dialogue tapes that run constantly in our thoughts, shredding us down continually bit by bit. Unless we can change the inner dialogue, the shredding will not stop.
Unless we can adequately portray to others how they are committing those micro aggressions and how they are effecting us, the ones that are happening unintentionally, will never stop. Further, micro agressions really NEVER can stop. Sometimes we just do not feel comfortable around certain individuals and we should not be forced to be around them, period and that extends to all of us, even those who are being as we see it, unfair. Micro aggressions, at the most basest, are used, by us all, to let others know we are not comfortable with them around and that they should change their behavior or leave.
Gossip. Gossip is probably the absolute worst, and most prevalent micro aggression we all come across. Gossip is not just talking about so and so went to the movies with such and such. Gossip involves negative connotations, implying and probable falsification slathered with left handed compliments and out right malicious statements. Hearing family members, friends, even over hearing groups of others gossiping in a communal form about others effects us.
As an example: If every single time your family members talk rudely or nastily about another race or nationality, sexually divergent, gender divergent or other group or individual that you find some affinity with, and you allow that kind of talk, without confronting as to why those feelings are there and that they seems to be unfair, if you simply allow this to continue, sit amoungst it while not speaking up, mayben even nod your head as you listen, you will forever feel like a nasty little scum inside for having the audacity to be someone who would 'even 'like' one of those'. You may not even realize it, the micro aggressions that may be effecting you most, may actually be directed at others. ESPECIALLY if somewhere deep sown inside you feel you may actually be one of them, want to be one of them, be in love with one of them and want to spend the rest of your life with one of them. These kinds of micro aggressions tears us down slower and more thoroughly as we push ourselves so far down to not even see ourselves because we make ourselves sick from others dialogue we have internalized.
It is hard and it sucks. I do not know how to not give up.
I was never adequately able to stand up to my parents other than to finally say to my mother and then eventually everyone in my family:
'Listen to yourself, how you speak of others, of others your same god has created and put on this earth here just the same as you, listen to how you talk so nasty, hateful and rude about them, condemning them to a hell that even no bible or torah or other deemed religious text has even described as such, and then you will understand how I know you hate me and cannot stand me. Above that, in all the religious material I have ever read, it is always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS! 'Above all, love one another', that every single 'God' has ever stated and that is what I take and align MY heart with and if your 'god' is too little to stand by his own word than to hell with him and you and I do not need you in my life.'
