Venting *Genuinely* hopeless, no paths

[SoulWhisperer]

I genuinely feel hopeless in the true sense of the word;
PS: This post is more like a cry for help or whatever more than anything, I don't know...

From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep I only have one thought in mind: "I wanna escape this hellhole of life". I either wanna blissfully live in the care of someone else or live on my own forever and rot alone, I don't care. So long I'll have a home alone and a stable income with any sort of acceptable job I'd be fine.

If you read some of my old posts you'd know a bit more about my context, especially my recent intro post. I am sick tired of my toxic abusive family and I want out. However I am crippled socially and GENUINELY cannot do ANYTHING on my own. I freeze if I have to do something socially and prefer avoiding interactions with others at the cost of losing important stuff in my life like physical health due to my phobias. I am so useless on my own no matter what I try, everyone makes fun of me and exploits me at school or whatever the fuck. I cannot fight back, I cannot stand up on my own. I cannot have the courage to understand how the fucking paperwork system works in my country, how to renew documents, what one uses documents for and etc. I wished I could just mindlessly move to Germany until today I realized "residence permits" exist and even if I wanted to go there I'd need to learn German B1 or whatever (I know 0, I study stupid languages at school that either won't EVER EVER help me in real life or languages I already know life English). "learn it", yeah I WISH IT WAS EASY, BUT I EITHER LEARN IT ON MY OWN SOMEHOW OR NOTHING. Because I am too afraid to talk with others, I couldn't get therapy on my own because I firstly don't know where one goes to get this so-called "therapy" and then I'd be afraid to contact/call/talk to employees. Same goes for finding a teacher. You'd be surprised by how many opportunities I turned down in life because I was too scared of "new things". I am an hopeless idiot and can't accept otherwise because it's a fact I've seen throughout the years.

I don't have motivation to do ANYTHING, my family is a pain, school is a pain and I would have no issues dropping out since I'm depressed as fuck and want to die. I know that living forever under the care of another person could easily be seen and considered as "selfish" in nature and that's why I also think I would have no issue to CTB for that reason. Why would I be the "special one" to not have to work and have others work for me? That life seems way too good to be true.

Time is running out in my hands, my parents are psychos and I can't do anything. One day they'll snap, I'm positive they will and I don't want to live to see that day. I don't wanna end up on the streets and die on them, I fucking don't… Everything is too painful for me, I don't get why did I have to be born to just suffer of indecisiveness like this. Nobody ever tells me how things truly are in life until I feel them on my skin, and the years I spent so far were to pave a path to hell instead of a stable adulthood, I'm gonna feel the pain of it in the upcoming years, I'm gonna reap the seeds of destruction I've left.

I am literally split between wanting to die and wanting for shit to work 50% and 50% due to my hopelessness. School became too unbearable physically… I used to like it years ago and now I can't stand it, I feel physically and psychologically bad when I think I need to endure another day of it, the routine is depressing and the system is rigged, I don't even wanna go into how the grading system goes.

I am tired, tired, tired, tired TIRED of this… I can't take this shit anymore, it's too much pain, too, fucking, much, pain. And what's worse is that I have no means to CTB, I just have 500 bucks I earnt from relatives and THAT'S IT. If I could have a way out I'd go through with it no hesitation basically. I live off prayers and if by 1-2 years nothing fixes I swear I'll just say "fuck it" and try any desperate method regardless of how much success rate I'll have at that point.

My. Existence. Is. Pain. Jesus…
I tried to think about legit ANYTHING otherwise I wouldn't be posting this, but however I'll still ask, even based on my previous posts so far, What the FUCK do I even do? </3

 

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I know that living forever under the care of another person could easily be seen and considered as "selfish" in nature

I would consider it "survival" -- doing what's necessary in order to survive.

100% of the human population is "selfish" in this sense, so I hope you'd allow yourself this.

Why would I be the "special one" to not have to work and have others work for me?

If they are so adamant in denying you (us) the choice to die peacefully with proper medical support, guidance, and planning, then the least they can do is provide the bare minimum required to survive. This is their choice. Let them own their choice.

Yes, you have some responsibility in your situation (as all of us do for our life situations). But there are many external factors here that are definitely not your responsibility because they're outside your control.

So, if this is a situation you find yourself in at some point and you're feeling guilty or ashamed because of it, take a few steps back and try to look at it from a more objective point of view. As we are prone to holding onto both justified guilt and unjustified guilt -- ideally, you want to let go of the latter.