decafcoffee
Member
- Nov 15, 2019
- 85
I was just sitting around, as usual, thinking about how I have a big list of things I could spend time doing that may improve my life, but here i am, in a frozen state. its like my misery paralyzes me. not unusual, i know. but, ive had productive days and i know they make things better. one big issue is my city's awful public transportation system that makes me feel like i am already in hell. but, its also the only time i read my books. ive put things off for so long that i shouldnt have. being socially isolated with abusers doesnt help, but goddamn. ive been struggling so long and doing nothing only makes the suffering worse. i have the idea to mentally yell at myself until i get up and do it. nobody cares about me, so i have to care. ive gotten away with being so lifeless because i have no friends and nobody ever asks to spend time with me. yikes. who the hell knows how far i could get if i simply DID EVERYTHING ON MY LIST INSTEAD OF PUTTING IT OFF and doing something here or there, but always making sure most of my time isnt productive at all.
i finally got a better laptop and ordered a different ipod that i trust not to be fucked up like my last ones were. i havent been able to load any new music or podcasts to listen to except on a very shitty little player, and thats bad. those really help when i am walking or running because i always feel better listening to something. come to think, maybe my first ipod could still work on itunes. cant believe i didnt think of that before now.
i feel like its just a matter of literally forcing myself and being unforgiving about pushing through, because sitting around all day really makes everything worse and i dont feel good while im doing it. i wont blame myself for the way things are, just hoping theres a chance i can become a productive and functional person if i set new patterns of behaviour. i love productivity, funnily enough.
issues with self confidence plummeted me deeper a while ago, but i need to see a dermatologist before i lose all hope. meanwhile, another barrier, so i guess that helps explain it. but goddamn, i was never a fully functioning and productive person. i guess i need to overcome the imaginary barrier.
forcing myself should turn into habit as brain patterns change.
those are my rambling ass thoughts for this evening.
i finally got a better laptop and ordered a different ipod that i trust not to be fucked up like my last ones were. i havent been able to load any new music or podcasts to listen to except on a very shitty little player, and thats bad. those really help when i am walking or running because i always feel better listening to something. come to think, maybe my first ipod could still work on itunes. cant believe i didnt think of that before now.
i feel like its just a matter of literally forcing myself and being unforgiving about pushing through, because sitting around all day really makes everything worse and i dont feel good while im doing it. i wont blame myself for the way things are, just hoping theres a chance i can become a productive and functional person if i set new patterns of behaviour. i love productivity, funnily enough.
issues with self confidence plummeted me deeper a while ago, but i need to see a dermatologist before i lose all hope. meanwhile, another barrier, so i guess that helps explain it. but goddamn, i was never a fully functioning and productive person. i guess i need to overcome the imaginary barrier.
forcing myself should turn into habit as brain patterns change.
those are my rambling ass thoughts for this evening.