Venting Ghosted all my friends

[afternoontea]

I know I'm lucky to have friends who reach out from time to time, but I can't even get the courage to respond to them. The past few years I've just let their calls go to voicemail and not open their texts.

A couple of times when I've felt up to it I have responded and I've begged for forgiveness and I've told them I won't ghost them again (they didn't seem angry at me in the first place though) but then I get severely depressed and I do end up ghosting them again. Because at that point, what the hell do I talk about? How I feel like shit every day, no job/college, just dicking around watching YouTube all the time? It would just bum them out and bring negativity. People shouldn't be friends with me if I'm acting like that. I do love them and wish I had the courage to talk to them again but I can't promise that I won't ghost them again anymore.

I can't open my computer anymore because I always see discord pop up and I'm reminded of the messages my internet buddies are probably sending me. I un-installed reddit because they were sending me messages on that. I really only respond to calls/texts from my parents. I wish I could talk to them but after several months, what is there to even say? I'm depressed as hell and don't do anything worthwhile? Not a great reintroduction.

Is anyone else in the same situation as me?

 

[Goosechan]

I relate to your post alot. All my friends are moving forward with their lives. Getting careers, some even buying houses. And I'm stuck in the same small studio for the last ten years, doing fuck all all day because I'm so tired, because I'm so ill, because I'm so depressed. At first your friends will feel for you and keep asking you to hang out or see if they can do stuff for you. Once they realize hanging out is too much to bear in your situation and you definitely need professional help, they'll fade away. Or more often I try to fade away myself before that point. I don't wanna disturb or worry people hold dear or be a downer in their blossoming lives. I feel like I do deserve to connect with people because I have nothing to give at this point.

Unrelated note I love your username.

 

[theolivanderroach]

I've been ghosting my friends too for years but especially more recently. And I've also told them I'm sorry for doing that and that I'll try to contact them more but never do. It's very one sided at this point so I'm surprised they still reach out to me. It's part of wanting to isolate yourself. And yeah I never know what to say either. They always ask me what's new and the answer's been the same for years now. Nothing.

 

[afternoontea]

I've been ghosting my friends too for years but especially more recently. And I've also told them I'm sorry for doing that and that I'll try to contact them more but never do. It's very one sided at this point so I'm surprised they still reach out to me. It's part of wanting to isolate yourself. And yeah I never know what to say either. They always ask me what's new and the answer's been the same for years now. Nothing.

Yeah I'm in full isolation mode for three quarters of the year. Sometimes when I feel up for it I decide to apply myself and get a job or start a semester of school but it always ends in failure. I don't know if I'll even bother to do that again but for now I just sit and daydream all day. I legit pace around the house at night reenacting some weird fantasy setting in my head like a freak.

Sometimes when my mom notices I've been pacing too much she makes me go on a walk out of concern. If it wasn't so depressing it would be the funniest fuckin thing I stg

Unrelated note I love your username.

Thanks :) Tea and vape are the two things that can still make me feel consistently better. At least the tea isn't unhealthy haha

 

[Goosechan]

Sometimes when I feel up for it I decide to apply myself and get a job or start a semester of school but it always ends in failure.

You don't wanna know how many courses and semesters I've started without finishing. It's so familiar.

Thanks :) Tea and vape are the two things that can still make me feel consistently better.

Tea is a bit of a special interest of mine. Do you have a favourite kind of tea?

 

[consider]

I lost all of my friends because my mental health, sad but I think it was inevitable. I don't have any kind of value can provide to my friends anymore.

 

[afternoontea]

You don't wanna know how many courses and semesters I've started without finishing. It's so familiar.

Oh god someone gets it. All that money just gone down the toilet and fuck all on my resume to show for it.

So far I've dropped out of 5 and a half different semesters across 3 different colleges (the half was during lockdown, where I managed to finish at least a few classes)

I've only fully finished two semesters, but one of them was a bunch of fluff fun summer ones. It almost gave me hope cuz the info was genuinely interesting but then a bunch of life shit happened, got severely depressed and now I'm back to square one.

Tea is a bit of a special interest of mine. Do you have a favourite kind of tea?

Earl Grey is my all time favorite, I also like English or Irish breakfast if it's good quality. Other than that there are some interesting Bigelow ones, like salted caramel and vanilla honey (it might be called that idk) that I've tried and really liked. Sometimes I'll go for green but it's not my first choice, though the cans of Arizona green tea at the store that are still pretty cheap are 10/10

I'm generally not one for fruity teas because my mom is Ukranian and I grew up always putting milk or cream into tea and typically the fruity ones don't go well with that. Though if I'm sick peppermint tea + honey and a squeeze of lemon is my go to.

Sometimes if I'm up for it I'll buy matcha powder and make iced matcha lattes, but the last stuff i bought was the pre sweetened stuff, except it was sugar free (idk Stevia or something) and tasted like absolute shit. Big bummer.

Sorry for the info dump haha, wbu?

 

[Goosechan]

It almost gave me hope cuz the info was genuinely interesting but then a bunch of life shit happened, got severely depressed and now I'm back to square one.

The amount of super interesting niche deep level knowledge in my brain is insane. Shame I'll never be well enough to finish those courses or to apply that knowledge. Thinking about it is bittersweet. I'm glad I got the chance to try, but I resent myself for stuffing it up every time. Even if the deck was insanely stacked against me.

Sorry for the info dump haha, wbu?

And no please, I'm loving the infodump. Special interest are one of the few things that move my brain a bit these days. Once you (and I) have unlocked DMs here feel free to infodump about it all you want to me. Although I might ghost you for a bit, but I promise I'll try to get back to you and I won't mind it either if you cannot muster to reply for whatever which reason.

Earl grey is absolutely excellent, great pick for a fav. I'm super into chinese teas, the current favourite is a GABA oolong from the ruby-18 cultivar. GABA tea is made by anaerobic oxidation in nitrogen tanks. Given the forum we're on I see the irony in my preference.

 

[afternoontea]

The amount of super interesting niche deep level knowledge in my brain is insane. Shame I'll never be well enough to finish those courses or to apply that knowledge. Thinking about it is bittersweet. I'm glad I got the chance to try, but I resent myself for stuffing it up every time. Even if the deck was insanely stacked against me.

Yeah I'm kinda proud of myself for at least trying a few times and not completely giving up after the first time, but it was mostly due to the encouragement of my parents and ex. I love astronomy/astrophysics and it would be cool to study that more but I don't know if I can go through failing college again. So far all i got are PBS spacetime videos and imagining a better version of myself actually doing college right.

And no please, I'm loving the infodump. Special interest are one of the few things that move my brain a bit these days. Once you (and I) have unlocked DMs here feel free to infodump about it all you want to me. Although I might ghost you for a bit, but I promise I'll try to get back to you and I won't mind it either if you cannot muster to reply for whatever which reason.

Earl grey is absolutely excellent, great pick for a fav. I'm super into chinese teas, the current favourite is a GABA oolong from the ruby-18 cultivar. GABA tea is made by anaerobic oxidation in nitrogen tanks. Given the forum we're on I see the irony in my preference.

I'll try to remember to do the DMs :) my mom does have a dragons hoard of it in a cupboard and it would be fun to dig around and see if I can find some new interesting ones. I probably should go for more herbal ones because I end up drinking the earl Grey at night and the caffeine contributes to the daydream pacing haha

 

[butimbleeding]

I completely relate to your situation, and I've also started multiple different semesters of school just to leave by the end with nothing to show for it. It hurts but I thank you guys for opening up about it to know I'm not the only one.

Sometimes when I'm pushing myself away from friends I notice I'm telling myself "I don't deserve to have friends" or "if they truly knew how shitty I am they wouldn't want anything to do with me." Not sure if you guys ever feel that but I know it's part of my brutal self esteem

I relate to your post alot. All my friends are moving forward with their lives. Getting careers, some even buying houses.

Same here. It makes me feel like an outsider, like how can I even relate to them anymore when they're homeowners and some even married

 

[wren-briar]

As someone who, if we met IRL you might think doesn't "get it", because I earned a PhD and am a homeowner, know that even we have similar problems.

In a way, I'm sort of envious, because I did achieve a lot, so I had a lot farther to fall.

That said, even when my life looked great from the outside and I could "fake" being "normal", I've dealt with so many similar things.

While it wasn't always because of depression, depression was absolutely one of the reasons that I've ghosted so many people in my life.

I think the biggest difference is that I spent my energy trying to do the right thing, even when it was the only energy I had and I hated existence.

Look where that got me!

Now I'm out of energy and I honestly don't give a fuck anymore if I'm seen as normal or successful. I'm just ready to cease existing.

Fwiw: I love any high quality black tea, vanilla-mint tea, cardamom cinnamon tea, roobios tea, or high quality matcha hot. For cold, a 1/2 southern sweet black tea is perfection, although, in reality I cut way back on the sweet because of dysmorphia.

 

[astr4]

it's just too much working talking to them and catching up and acting like i believe they care at all when deep down i know they're fucking lying to me anyways