Venting Girlfriend of 5 years revealed something to me that has me sick to my stomach. I don't know if I'm overreacting, I haven't said anything to her

[inevitableandplannd]

My partner revealed to me she likes those pornographic audios with dirty talk and"aftercare", the ones usually styled to feel very intimate and personal.

She claims she would prefer me to that, but I don't have a sexy voice by any stretch of the imagination and my body leaves much to be desired.

Much earlier in our relationship, she named a specific pornstar she watched with a particular giggle smacking of porn-crush girlgooner brain that gave me a similar nauseating feeling in my stomach.

I can't imagine being intimate with her again without thinking I'd just be acting out some amalgamation of hotter guys she's seen or heard in porn, while she just uses imagination to do the rest and fully replace me during the act. I feel disgusted and used, and more than that I feel ashamed that I ever allowed myself to be vulnerable with another human being to that level while being overweight. I should have known that it would end poorly.

I haven't said anything about this to her because I know it sounds paranoid, and I don't want to put words in her mouth or make her deal with these emotions while they're still running high, but my next therapy session is weeks out and I can't ruminate on it until then, she will notice.

To answer the obvious, yes, I've been touched inappropriately by women before, yes, she knows that, lol. I know my sexuality and ideas around it are nonstandard, so I'm trying to be respectful and understanding.

 

[alienfreak]

Your reaction seems odd to me. I think if i were with someone and they revealed that, then i would just take it as a good thing that they were revealing something intimate and being open about their desires, and it gives you knowledge about some ideas you can try to do things enjoyable for her. You don't have to do things you dont want to, obviously. You dont have to be able to be able to fulfill every fantasy she imagines, nobody can do that for anyone. Clearly she is attracted to you or she wouldnt be with you, it's subjective whether you have an attractive body or sexy voice. Many, many people enjoy porn and it doesnt mean they dont appreciate their partners or that they mentally replace them.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I'd just be acting out some amalgamation of hotter guys she's seen or heard in porn, while she just uses imagination to do the rest and fully replace me during the act. I feel disgusted and used,

maybe explain your feelings and your pov? i can understand why it would feel.....idk the right word but i know i feel this weird upsetting feeling in my chest trying to place the feeling name. and it makes sense that you would feel that way like "why are you even doing it with me?" and it can make you feel less than.
nothing against her personally it just makes you uncomfortable

 

[inevitableandplannd]

explain your feelings and your pov

good advice; communication fixes a lot. when i have my "ego defense mechanisms" disarmed so i can go in with an open mind, i'll try to gently approach the conversation when the time is right.

Thank you for the validation as well, it means a lot

You dont have to be able to be able to fulfill every fantasy she imagines, nobody can do that for anyone. Clearly she is attracted to you or she wouldnt be with you, it's subjective whether you have an attractive body or sexy voice. Many, many people enjoy porn and it doesnt mean they dont appreciate their partners or that they mentally replace them.

Appreciate the perspective, perhaps I was thinking too much of myself, insecure ab not being enough & projecting that.

 

[casual_existence]

Some people go around chasing a certain high that they can only get from certain places and this is something that you would have to determine on how much to let by. Like a really easy example is military couples. One of them ends up having an affair presumably because they're lonely so at that point there's two main choices stay or try to work it out. Or just act out impulsively though this will probably lead to greater pain as we can see in this post where you felt a pain and while you didn't break up immediately it's something that happens in younger couples. This is also a great source of regret because if the other person doesn't act impulsively they'll probably recognize it and might take into consideration when they next assess their relationship (this doesn't happen consciously most of the time).
This is probably one of the main reasons that I struggle to imagine myself in a relationship. Too complicated lol.

 

[astr4]

My partner revealed to me she likes those pornographic audios with dirty talk and"aftercare", the ones usually styled to feel very intimate and personal.

She claims she would prefer me to that, but I don't have a sexy voice by any stretch of the imagination and my body leaves much to be desired.

i would take that claim at face value, ngl, she has no reason to be with you if she finds you unattractive, right? clearly you're offering something to the relationship or she would just move on. do you also consume porn? there are men who are in long term relationships who still do, sometimes it's not about your partner, sometimes you just wanna jerk one off fast, and it's like scratching an itch, not necessarily about the intimacy. i think the same is valid for women.

 

[inevitableandplannd]

Spoke w her coming from a place of wanting to understand, with my emotions explainable but not influencing my words or willingness to hear. She listened and responded in a loving, gentle way that helped me understand and not feel insecure. I thanked her for being patient in the face of a conversation that must have been uncomfortable for her as well. We cool now

 

[Blue Dream]

I can't imagine being intimate with her again without thinking I'd just be acting out some amalgamation of hotter guys she's seen or heard in porn, while she just uses imagination to do the rest and fully replace me during the act.

This is what most hetero women grapple with throughout their sex lives because finding a man that doesn't regularly consume porn is like finding a needle in a haystack.

Either you learn to stomach that feeling or find someone else who doesn't consume porn.

 

[ylenol]

I'd feel sick knowing my partner uses pornographic audios of other men to fulfill whatever desire when I'm right here. There would be no amount of "reassurance" that would persuade me they still sees me, hears me while making love.
In what world is consuming pornographic content assumed to be normal while in a relationship rather than the opposite.

 

[Life_and_Death]

In what world is consuming pornographic content assumed to be normal while in a relationship rather than the opposite.

one where theyre comfortable with themselves, secure with each other and accepting of the other

 

[ylenol]

one where theyre comfortable with themselves, secure with each other and accepting of the other

Odd take, you being comfortable with yourself has nothing to do not wanting your partner to share part of their intimity with others, the content they consume is real, the people partaking in it are too, they're just not here.
You're simply used to this type of content to the point you think it's normal.
I'm not entertainment number x to be played with when bored with y, sex has more value than the act in itself.