derpyderpins
In the Service of the Queen
- Sep 19, 2023
- 1,900
This is the second of possibly many posts in my attempt to "theorycraft" recovery. The first post covered what I call Step 1, getting past coping cages and accepting that something is wrong. While I stand by the conclusion reached in that post, this post will not be "Step 2." Rather, I want to start with a bit of meta about the process. Thank you to those who commented on the last post, it was very helpful. I will be referencing what was discussed there. I you only care about the new part of the theory, feel free to jump to the second section.
First, as a type of disclaimer: "this is my subjective overview of my own 'recovery.'" I am not a doctor. These are opinions born from experience. I have not fully recovered. What I have done is spent many years thinking about these things, observing others, and talking to people who have been struggling. I have also seen progress, enough so that I think it's worth discussing. The end-goal will be to make something of a guide or handbook as a resource for recovery written from a perspective of understanding rather than pontification. These posts are not what I would consider to be part of that final guide, although hopefully large sections will be used in it. I am making this up as I go along so I can get feedback and adjust, as well as so I can break it up and make the overall goal less daunting.
After the first post, I quickly realized that simply writing one step at a time would be too simple. One thing I am hoping to subvert is the oversimplification of recover, because it's incredibly frustrating to get very simple sounding advice as if your problem as an easy solution. If you're seriously considering ctb, your problem is complex. Good on you for standing up to it, and don't let anyone minimize it for you, because if they do they are idiots.
So, in thinking about the format of the recovery theory, I think there should be several categories of thoughts. Right now, I am considering "Steps," "Goals," and "Factors." "Factors" might get broken into a positives and negatives category. There certainly must be some discussions of backslides and regressions, because they will occur. Factors would be things like (thanks @Grumble) attitude, healthcare access and quality, openness, family support, lifestyle and opportunities. They will all weigh in to the ability to continue, and if someone is stuck at any time, improving the factors could be better than focusing on the current step.
Goals are what they sound like. Calling them a step is almost insulting. These are things we are slowly working towards, which themselves might be broken up into steps. And with that, let's discuss an example of a Goal.
Again, I am examining a piece of cliche advice: "Learn to Love Yourself." Right along the lines of wanting to help yourself, right? I don't have as strong of a dislike for this expression, but I still think it is used improperly. It's a wonderful endgame goal to chase, but asking a lot at the outset of a recovery journey. It's telling a level one adventurer "well, go ahead and slay the demon king."
Recall the discussion of two types of common "coping cages": the "I hate myself and I'm terrible" cage and the "I'm awesome it's the world that sucks" cage. It will become clear as I continue these discussions that addressing such distorted thoughts will be a big theme in my guide as a whole, and often from these two extremes of self-description. Let's call them "The Inferior" and "The Superior" for shorthand.
If we tell the Inferior to learn to love themselves, we know what will be the response: "why should I love someone who is so terrible?" Now, what is your reply? The instinct is to start wrestling with them over the distorted thought: "you're awesome!" "you're beautiful!" "you're so sweet and kind!" You might as well bang your head against the wall. Imagine a distorted thought is like distorted vision. If I'm looking at a wall and tell you I see it as "red," you can tell me it's "blue" all you want and it is not going to help. If anything, it will confuse my own definition of what red and blue are.
The Superior is even trickier. (I know too well, as the Superior is what I had to fight against.) If we tell the Superior to learn to love themselves, they will respond "wtf do you mean? I already love myself! I love me more than anything because I'm so great!" Now we've added a second distorted thought - that they are "loving" themselves. They do not think highly of themselves deep down, and what they are doing cannot be called love.
The more someone repeats in front of others that they are awesome, the less they believe it. After all, if they knew they were awesome, why would they have to say it to not awesome people who couldn't understand anyway? The only person they are trying to convince is themselves. While it is true that we are working towards a positive view of self, we are also seeking a realistic view. Just like a parent who only spoils their child, the Superior who cannot self-criticize is further crippling themselves each time they repeat the lies. It is not loving to lie, even if the lie sounds nice.
So, whether Inferior or Superior, our recovery candidate is looking at a blue wall and seeing red. The metaphor needs a goal, so let's say we want them to hang a decoration which would clash with red. What should we do? One impulse would be to say "just trust me for now that it is blue, and look again once the picture is up," hoping they will be able to tell that it doesn't clash, which will fix their vision. This is saying "trust me and take these pills." It's a common part of common recovery, 'you aren't seeing right, so put yourself in someone else's care.' I hate the sound of this, but it's hard to criticize it too harshly. The issue is: what if they don't trust you? After all, they're looking at a clearly red wall and you are insisting it's blue. . . when the coping cage is very strong, they may snap at anyone trying to open it.
My thought is to say, "okay, okay, let's agree to disagree on the color. What are some things we'll need to do no matter what the color is? We should dust the wall, measure, put in our hanging material, and we can worry about what the color is later."
How does this work outside the metaphor? My goal for this Goal is to get our candidate to treat themselves within a range of normal. For the Inferior, would you really say such horrible things about a stranger in the same position as you? For the Superior, if a stranger in your position said the self-congratulatory stuff you tell yourself, would you accept it without pushing back on them?
In this way, the Goal of learning to love yourself can itself be broken into steps. Something along the lines of:
First, as a type of disclaimer: "this is my subjective overview of my own 'recovery.'" I am not a doctor. These are opinions born from experience. I have not fully recovered. What I have done is spent many years thinking about these things, observing others, and talking to people who have been struggling. I have also seen progress, enough so that I think it's worth discussing. The end-goal will be to make something of a guide or handbook as a resource for recovery written from a perspective of understanding rather than pontification. These posts are not what I would consider to be part of that final guide, although hopefully large sections will be used in it. I am making this up as I go along so I can get feedback and adjust, as well as so I can break it up and make the overall goal less daunting.
After the first post, I quickly realized that simply writing one step at a time would be too simple. One thing I am hoping to subvert is the oversimplification of recover, because it's incredibly frustrating to get very simple sounding advice as if your problem as an easy solution. If you're seriously considering ctb, your problem is complex. Good on you for standing up to it, and don't let anyone minimize it for you, because if they do they are idiots.
So, in thinking about the format of the recovery theory, I think there should be several categories of thoughts. Right now, I am considering "Steps," "Goals," and "Factors." "Factors" might get broken into a positives and negatives category. There certainly must be some discussions of backslides and regressions, because they will occur. Factors would be things like (thanks @Grumble) attitude, healthcare access and quality, openness, family support, lifestyle and opportunities. They will all weigh in to the ability to continue, and if someone is stuck at any time, improving the factors could be better than focusing on the current step.
Goals are what they sound like. Calling them a step is almost insulting. These are things we are slowly working towards, which themselves might be broken up into steps. And with that, let's discuss an example of a Goal.
Again, I am examining a piece of cliche advice: "Learn to Love Yourself." Right along the lines of wanting to help yourself, right? I don't have as strong of a dislike for this expression, but I still think it is used improperly. It's a wonderful endgame goal to chase, but asking a lot at the outset of a recovery journey. It's telling a level one adventurer "well, go ahead and slay the demon king."
Recall the discussion of two types of common "coping cages": the "I hate myself and I'm terrible" cage and the "I'm awesome it's the world that sucks" cage. It will become clear as I continue these discussions that addressing such distorted thoughts will be a big theme in my guide as a whole, and often from these two extremes of self-description. Let's call them "The Inferior" and "The Superior" for shorthand.
If we tell the Inferior to learn to love themselves, we know what will be the response: "why should I love someone who is so terrible?" Now, what is your reply? The instinct is to start wrestling with them over the distorted thought: "you're awesome!" "you're beautiful!" "you're so sweet and kind!" You might as well bang your head against the wall. Imagine a distorted thought is like distorted vision. If I'm looking at a wall and tell you I see it as "red," you can tell me it's "blue" all you want and it is not going to help. If anything, it will confuse my own definition of what red and blue are.
The Superior is even trickier. (I know too well, as the Superior is what I had to fight against.) If we tell the Superior to learn to love themselves, they will respond "wtf do you mean? I already love myself! I love me more than anything because I'm so great!" Now we've added a second distorted thought - that they are "loving" themselves. They do not think highly of themselves deep down, and what they are doing cannot be called love.
The more someone repeats in front of others that they are awesome, the less they believe it. After all, if they knew they were awesome, why would they have to say it to not awesome people who couldn't understand anyway? The only person they are trying to convince is themselves. While it is true that we are working towards a positive view of self, we are also seeking a realistic view. Just like a parent who only spoils their child, the Superior who cannot self-criticize is further crippling themselves each time they repeat the lies. It is not loving to lie, even if the lie sounds nice.
So, whether Inferior or Superior, our recovery candidate is looking at a blue wall and seeing red. The metaphor needs a goal, so let's say we want them to hang a decoration which would clash with red. What should we do? One impulse would be to say "just trust me for now that it is blue, and look again once the picture is up," hoping they will be able to tell that it doesn't clash, which will fix their vision. This is saying "trust me and take these pills." It's a common part of common recovery, 'you aren't seeing right, so put yourself in someone else's care.' I hate the sound of this, but it's hard to criticize it too harshly. The issue is: what if they don't trust you? After all, they're looking at a clearly red wall and you are insisting it's blue. . . when the coping cage is very strong, they may snap at anyone trying to open it.
My thought is to say, "okay, okay, let's agree to disagree on the color. What are some things we'll need to do no matter what the color is? We should dust the wall, measure, put in our hanging material, and we can worry about what the color is later."
How does this work outside the metaphor? My goal for this Goal is to get our candidate to treat themselves within a range of normal. For the Inferior, would you really say such horrible things about a stranger in the same position as you? For the Superior, if a stranger in your position said the self-congratulatory stuff you tell yourself, would you accept it without pushing back on them?
In this way, the Goal of learning to love yourself can itself be broken into steps. Something along the lines of:
- Learn to treat yourself as you would a stranger
- Learn to treat yourself as you would an acquaintance
- Learn to treat yourself as you would a friend
- Learn to love yourself.
