going in a few hours- full suspension hanging. please read

[fantasia13]

what the title says. i've written a letter, have a rope, chair, anchor point, and know what knots to tie. i'm scared but not too scared knowing everything will be over soon. please just give me any final wishes or tips to make this as quick and painless as possible.

the only reason i was hesitant to go is my younger sister, who is only 13. i know nothing will make it better but i tried to leave very heartfelt wishes in my letter. i told her that i love her and am infinitely proud of her, and that there is nothing that could ever separate us. i told her to look at the sky if she ever misses me or wants to tell me something and i will be there. i worry this will ruin her life but i think she will recover eventually. i just cannot live like this anymore- only out of obligation to other people- even though i do love her a lot, more than words can say.

i've been thinking about the afterlife lately and i'm unsure. for background i was born into a christian family but became atheist/agnostic in my teens. i also got into reality shifting/spirituality for a while but it was mostly out of escapism. i told my family in my note that they'll "see me in heaven" so they think i believe and aren't haunted by the thought of their oldest daughter going to eternal torture.

my belief is that when i die there will be nothing, and i'm fine with that. however, a little part of me does hope for reincarnation, or some way to watch over the few people i loved in this life. it's not that i hate life itself, just the circumstances of mine and it might be nice to have a do-over. i guess that does bring the possibility of having an even worse life than i do now, though. i'll just focus on the "nothing" idea.

again, please reply with anything to this, tips or not. i can't really think clearly right now and i feel so alone so it would be nice to get some interaction. anyway, i guess this is it. merry christmas and goodbye.

 

[lebrodude]

It's not too late not to attempt, that option always exists.

I do not know the pain you are in, nor will I pretend to.

Whatever you decide, I hope peace finds you.

 

[whywere]

I 100% agree with @lebrodude and ctb is one and done, no do over and especially with a 13-year-old sister.

Love, peace and always family.

Walter

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

I'm so sorry that your life has come to this point. If you need someone to talk to, you can DM me

 

[SVEN]

Every good wish for your achieving a successfull outcome, whatever that may mean for you.
Choices and decisions are always hard and whatever path we choose at the crossroads there will be second thoughts and "what ifs". I hope you find rest and tranquillity.

 

[voir2]

Please do not rush your decision. I do not know your reasons but I hope it will get better.

 

[Thisisnotaname]

No matter what you do, you know your sister still need your light

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find freedom from suffering, I wish you the best.

 

[Reike3]

Are you still with us?
Remember that backing out is nothing bad at all! There's always time to do it later, but once done it cannot be reversed. I myself backed out more times than I can count usually during planning and ended up happy with my decision a day or two later.
But of course I don't wanna talk you out of it, just letting you know it's okay to postpone it. I can relate to the worry about destroying other people's lives as I have a wife and 4y old son who I both love more than any words could possibly describe, more than the human mind is capable of comprehending! She's my soulmate and he's our beautiful boy. These two are the only reason at all why im still here, otherwise I'd be leaving this hell hole of a planet this very same day! Not to bore you, but death always seemed beautiful to me even as a child. My mental and physical health is unbearable: severe chronic depression, OCD, severe chronic daily (all-day) migraines, chronic back pain, CFS and much more, all untreatable or every option exhausted. Now I'm severely addicted to dilaudid painkillers to somehow get through the days without screaming in pain. Gotta bring home the money for my family and do so much more. Yet I'm somehow never doing enough (I sleep 4h a night and skip meals to do everything) and my wife starts fights, I'm so done after all these years.
So I'm again in the process of planning. They're gonna be fine without me after some time. Apparently I'm a burden anyway. My tolerance is high but I guess getting a few fentanyl patches will do the trick. I have two 25s each one containing 4.125mg of fent, making 8.25mg will try to get a few more. They say 2mg can kill even someone with a high tolerance. If I boil them and i.v. like 15,20 or even 30mgs at once and take a whole pack of benzos right before, I'm pretty sure there's no coming back. Those two might fly back to her home country of the US soon. Then I have enough time to write letters, get shit in order and execute the plan if I'm not backing out again.

Sorry for the rant just wanted to share a bit to show I can fully relate to the heartache about leaving your loved ones behind. But we can't keep living just for other people no matter how much we love them. And wanted to let you know it's never a shame to back out at any moment in the process.

You're strong and you got this whichever path you decide to go with. I hope you find all the peace you're looking for and deserve! Much love from Germany

 

[L'absent]

No, you cannot live to please others. Only you know what you have to face every day. I hope you can find peace, because I think you have already looked for it while living without results.

 

[fantasia13]

Are you still with us?
Remember that backing out is nothing bad at all! There's always time to do it later, but once done it cannot be reversed. I myself backed out more times than I can count usually during planning and ended up happy with my decision a day or two later.
But of course I don't wanna talk you out of it, just letting you know it's okay to postpone it. I can relate to the worry about destroying other people's lives as I have a wife and 4y old son who I both love more than any words could possibly describe, more than the human mind is capable of comprehending! She's my soulmate and he's our beautiful boy. These two are the only reason at all why im still here, otherwise I'd be leaving this hell hole of a planet this very same day! Not to bore you, but death always seemed beautiful to me even as a child. My mental and physical health is unbearable: severe chronic depression, OCD, severe chronic daily (all-day) migraines, chronic back pain, CFS and much more, all untreatable or every option exhausted. Now I'm severely addicted to dilaudid painkillers to somehow get through the days without screaming in pain. Gotta bring home the money for my family and do so much more. Yet I'm somehow never doing enough (I sleep 4h a night and skip meals to do everything) and my wife starts fights, I'm so done after all these years.
So I'm again in the process of planning. They're gonna be fine without me after some time. Apparently I'm a burden anyway. My tolerance is high but I guess getting a few fentanyl patches will do the trick. I have two 25s each one containing 4.125mg of fent, making 8.25mg will try to get a few more. They say 2mg can kill even someone with a high tolerance. If I boil them and i.v. like 15,20 or even 30mgs at once and take a whole pack of benzos right before, I'm pretty sure there's no coming back. Those two might fly back to her home country of the US soon. Then I have enough time to write letters, get shit in order and execute the plan if I'm not backing out again.

Sorry for the rant just wanted to share a bit to show I can fully relate to the heartache about leaving your loved ones behind. But we can't keep living just for other people no matter how much we love them. And wanted to let you know it's never a shame to back out at any moment in the process.

You're strong and you got this whichever path you decide to go with. I hope you find all the peace you're looking for and deserve! Much love from Germany

yes, i'm still here- family came home unexpectedly and now i need to postpone for at least a bit. thanks for the thoughtful reply, hope you find peace as well. love from the us

No, you cannot live to please others. Only you know what you have to face every day. I hope you can find peace, because I think you have already looked for it while living without results.

thank you for this i hope you find peace as well

 

[maniac116]

 

[Reike3]

yes, i'm still here- family came home unexpectedly and now i need to postpone for at least a bit. thanks for the thoughtful reply, hope you find peace as well. love from the us

Thanks for confirming that you're still among us. I'm sorry to hear your plan has been forcefully postponed by family. That must feel pretty strange to say the least - never been there myself. Maybe it was a sign to either not execute it or do it somewhere else or at a later point in time. Who knows. Maybe a plain coincidence, but honestly I don't believe in coincidents anymore, seen too many things that had to have been influenced by some other force whatever that may be. I like to believe my mom who died of breast cancer in 2016 helps me out when times are hard. There's a 10y old song that reminds my sister and me of our mom like nothing else. And that song plays randomly on the radio or on people's phones whenever times are hard or gonna be hard soon giving us the feeling it's gonna be okay somehow. Maybe complete crap idk but nice to believe.

Maybe this is a good time to review the plan and tweak it or question it in general (method, place, time, etc.). You mentioned your deep love for your little sister. Is there a chance, even a tiny one, that she could possibly find you after the act? Cause that would certainly mess her up for a long time to come, possible forever and certainly much harder than "just" hearing about the bad news from your parents. Maybe there's a better place or a less disturbing way to be found as found hanging from a wooden beam would be traumatizing I can only imagine. At the end of the day I think we all have the right to go and no matter how we do it, it's always gonna cause pain to our loved ones. So no amount of preparation can save them from the pain it can at best only lessen it a bit (method - like no shotgun to head, leaving a letter, etc.).

Wishing you all the best!

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

Nobody can give you any tips without knowing the whole picture. First of all, why do you want to shorten your lifetime?

 

[fantasia13]

Thanks for confirming that you're still among us. I'm sorry to hear your plan has been forcefully postponed by family. That must feel pretty strange to say the least - never been there myself. Maybe it was a sign to either not execute it or do it somewhere else or at a later point in time. Who knows. Maybe a plain coincidence, but honestly I don't believe in coincidents anymore, seen too many things that had to have been influenced by some other force whatever that may be. I like to believe my mom who died of breast cancer in 2016 helps me out when times are hard. There's a 10y old song that reminds my sister and me of our mom like nothing else. And that song plays randomly on the radio or on people's phones whenever times are hard or gonna be hard soon giving us the feeling it's gonna be okay somehow. Maybe complete crap idk but nice to believe.

Maybe this is a good time to review the plan and tweak it or question it in general (method, place, time, etc.). You mentioned your deep love for your little sister. Is there a chance, even a tiny one, that she could possibly find you after the act? Cause that would certainly mess her up for a long time to come, possible forever and certainly much harder than "just" hearing about the bad news from your parents. Maybe there's a better place or a less disturbing way to be found as found hanging from a wooden beam would be traumatizing I can only imagine. At the end of the day I think we all have the right to go and no matter how we do it, it's always gonna cause pain to our loved ones. So no amount of preparation can save them from the pain it can at best only lessen it a bit (method - like no shotgun to head, leaving a letter, etc.).

Wishing you all the best!

thanks for sharing about the song, i have to agree with you about coincidences. i guess i do still believe there's something out there, some force that influences stuff like that.

as for my plan, i have figured out a time when my dad will 100% be first to find me- not ideal, but at least he's a tiny bit more equipped to deal with that then a 13-year-old. i'm also doing it inside a room so i'll put a warning on the door to get rid of some of the shock factor. really wish i didn't have to be found by family at home, i do feel awful but i don't drive so idk anywhere else that would work.

i've written a few more letters for my sister to open at specific events (bdays, graduations, etc.) also recorded voice memos of me reading them aloud as i know a worry with grief is forgetting someone's voice- i hope this does lessen the pain a tiny bit as you said. do have an opportunity to ctb this week like i mentioned but i might stay through the holidays atp, as eager as i am to go i don't want to permanently ruin christmas. thank you for replying again and wish you the best

 

[FarawayFar]

I can relate to being being atheist/agnostic and coming from a religious family. I can also relate to not wanting to destroy peoples lives. I wish you the best no matter what your decision.

 

[funeralcat]

Same as the last comment, I was catholic but got into spirituality and even shifting like you (the one who posted) and I believe I'll become a free soul once I die. Spirituality kind of ruined my existence on earth bc I think the other side is better. I know my family will cry or whatever but they will remain strong for the other child they have (my brother)

 

[CatLvr]

While it must feel so strange to have to postpone your act when you were so ready to leave, I am glad you are still here. I honestly believe this is a sign. A sign that maybe it is not quite your time.

While I agree it is hard (and maybe not fair) to have to live for another person, that is exactly what I am doing. I will not ctb as long as my son needs me. I owe him that, as the mother that brought him into this world.

Try and live however long it is before you try again with a light heart and spend as much of this extra time you have with your sister. Maybe the spirits or cosmos or whatever knows your sis needs you just a little bit longer.

My heart is with you. May you find the peace we all search for.

 

[grid zer0]

what the title says. i've written a letter, have a rope, chair, anchor point, and know what knots to tie. i'm scared but not too scared knowing everything will be over soon. please just give me any final wishes or tips to make this as quick and painless as possible.

the only reason i was hesitant to go is my younger sister, who is only 13. i know nothing will make it better but i tried to leave very heartfelt wishes in my letter. i told her that i love her and am infinitely proud of her, and that there is nothing that could ever separate us. i told her to look at the sky if she ever misses me or wants to tell me something and i will be there. i worry this will ruin her life but i think she will recover eventually. i just cannot live like this anymore- only out of obligation to other people- even though i do love her a lot, more than words can say.

i've been thinking about the afterlife lately and i'm unsure. for background i was born into a christian family but became atheist/agnostic in my teens. i also got into reality shifting/spirituality for a while but it was mostly out of escapism. i told my family in my note that they'll "see me in heaven" so they think i believe and aren't haunted by the thought of their oldest daughter going to eternal torture.

my belief is that when i die there will be nothing, and i'm fine with that. however, a little part of me does hope for reincarnation, or some way to watch over the few people i loved in this life. it's not that i hate life itself, just the circumstances of mine and it might be nice to have a do-over. i guess that does bring the possibility of having an even worse life than i do now, though. i'll just focus on the "nothing" idea.

again, please reply with anything to this, tips or not. i can't really think clearly right now and i feel so alone so it would be nice to get some interaction. anyway, i guess this is it. merry christmas and goodbye.

Damn...

 

[hop33xit]

hope you found freedom