Going to the hospital until I’m ready to die

[willitpass]

I can't do this. I can't live in the real world. I don't seem to be made for living. Any freedom I am given, my mental illness takes it and runs with it. I've already started to torture myself again in the few weeks since coming home from residential, and have been planning more ways to do it. Yet I'm not ready to actively CTB either. I am living in a hellish purgatory. It is horrific. Yet the only other option for continuing to live is to check myself back into residential. To institutionalize myself. That is another hellish purgatory.

I have made the decision to find a compromise with myself. I will check myself back into the hospital, go back to residential, and wait until my mind has decided it is ready to CTB. I will then either elope or discharge, and go CTB. Residential allows me to at least feel momentary joy. I am able to find some things that bring me happiness, even if it is only fleeting. And I don't have to mask, which is so fucking exhausting. I've completely lost my sense of joy again since being home. I feel completely disconnected from those I love. I am falling apart again. Getting myself into the hospital is all I can think of to ease my suffering a little bit until I am ready to go.

This is a fucked world I live in. Why are these my options?

 

[willitpass]

Off to the hospital. I highly doubt they won't admit me.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Thinking of you

 

[Griever]

 

[opheliaoveragain]

we're here with you. i'll be checking in on you. you did good making that compromise with yourself. you deserve respite, even if only temporary. love to you friend.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

All the best!

 

[CatLvr]

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Thinking of you. I am really praying that your decision ended up being the correct one to make.