So I've made the decision to try stay off this site for good. I don't know if I will keep this promise to myself but I'm going to try my best.
I won't talk about myself at length but here's how things happened for me.
I have some sort of mysterious probable post-viral illness. As far as I know I've never had Covid and it started way before I got vaccinated so no anti-vax comments here please. I don't want to list my symptoms because there are many but the neurological/psychological ones are worst. I never seriously considered suicide before this and I used to have pretty bad panic disorder so that should tell you how badly I feel. Even in my worst horrific panic attacks I never felt like I wanted to ctb.
I started searching on Google and came across the PPH and Five Last Acts which I read with excitement and really got on board with the exit bag and even ordered a nitrogen tank.
In my research I found this forum. At first I was excited and I would browse every day learning as much as I could about the various methods. Nitrogen also started to seem way too complicated to me because I couldn't source the right type of regulator locally so gave up on that idea. Bought rope instead and learned to tie knots for full.
Eventually ordered the right type of regulator online for nitrogen and it seemed like a more viable plan.
But here's the thing. My first few weeks on this forum were euphoric. I felt like I found the holy grail and had all these options of how I could ctb successfully. I'm very grateful for this site and all the information it provides. It is invaluable and I hope it always keeps going. However, in saying this, the longer I was here the less confident I became in every single method. There is so much talk about failure and fear of failure here that I began to get anxiety about never being able to ctb. No matter what plan I came up with someone would come along and talk about brain damage or things likely to fail. This site, I have to be brutally honest, really plunged me into despair. It made me feel like nothing would work. So I was stressed about my brain issues and on top of that I was now stressed about not being able to ctb. Even with N, someone will come along and say oh yes but you know some people just end up in an extended coma. I know it is useful to know the pitfalls of any method so you can correct and account for them but often we don't talk about solutions to problems just the problems. For example, at one point I was looking at plastic bag suffocation (not with gas, just plastic bag) and in all the threads people would say 'no it won't work because you'll just rip the bag off' instead of suggesting to cuff or attach your hands to something which would be the obvious answer. There are great problem solving threads like suggestions on how to mask the taste of N or how to make hanging less painful but overall I see just a lot of discussion of what's going to go wrong.
I now have a nitrogen tank, it's not full but should have at least 20 mins worth of gas. I will also stand on a chair with a rope around my neck so I can hopefully stumble off once the gas renders me unconscious. After constructing my own exit bag and putting all the parts together and turning the tank on and feeling the bag inflate I feel a lot more confident.
Here are some things I've learned about the various methods that you may or may not find useful that I'd like to share before I go:
Hanging: partial is difficult to get right. The smaller the rope diameter the harder it will press into your neck. Always do a test to make sure it holds your weight.
SN: meto is recommended because it aids gastric emptying. However, it also interferes with dopamine in your brain and can cause really unpleasant side effects. Test a small amount e.g. half a pill before you attempt a stat dose.
Nitrogen: there's a debate about whether 15lpm is enough flow. I have to admit that when @FromGermany was here his posts really messed with my head because he insisted that 15lpm will not cause death but rather brain damage. I don't know of this is true or not but if I go with my nitrogen set up I'll use 15lpm. It seems sufficient to me and what @TiredHorse recommends in the megathread as to PPH and Last Five Acts. Also, masks are not a great option unless you have a really fancy scuba mask and are experienced with this.
Drowning: it is possible to drown in the tub if you have weights and use them wisely. But drowning is going to be very frightening and panic inducing. Try hold your breath and see what happens after a while..the pain and panic build up.
OD: common OD like on benzos or other prescription drugs is very unlikely to work. The only ODs I have heard of working are heroin and strong opiods and you need A LOT of it.
N: apparently tastes like absolute chemical ass and no one has been able to find a reliable way to mask the taste. Common suggestion to drink or eat something chocolatey straight after. Apparently very few people vomit. If I ever get it and take it I will take Zofran as antiemetic because I don't want the side effects of meto. I will also take one bottle because I am underweight and then either use a plastic bag over my head or drink it in the bath. D always replies. I have contacted him twice now and he has been super helpful. Pro tip: if you live outside the US find out who UPS contracts to in your country. Turns out UPS hands over the packages to the most useless, lowest rated courier company in my country and it took another person here over six weeks to receive their N because of this company. D offers an alternative to UPS but it's more expensive.
If fear of hell, god or the like prevents you from seeking a peaceful exit I strongly recommend accessing as many atheist resources as possible and disentangling yourself from the mindfuck that is religion. I know it has messed me up in my life. I recommend: Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, The Atheist Experience show and the Recovering From Religion organisation. I do not believe in any afterlife, reincarnation, NDEs or any of that nonsense. As my body shuts down, I will stop breathing and the mitochondria in my body's cells will stop being able to produce ATP and I will cease to be. My energy will go out into the universe as heat energy. That's all.
Will I actually ctb? This is still an unknown to me. Sometimes I feel so fucking awful I feel like I need to CTB right fucking now because the terror I feel is unbearable as my brain glitches and gives me these feeling for no reason. But other moments I feel, it's ok. I'll keep going for now.
So I would like to say thank you to all the people that answered my questions, provided information, engaged in interesting conversation with me and were just overall wonderful humans. But this site is not for me anymore. I finally feel confident enough again and I don't want to go into all the despair and start doubting my methods again. Of course who knows, I might very well be back and posting shortly after this. I am not perfect. But I know that this site, for me at least, has caused analysis paralysis and causes me to come up with more and more wacky scenarios of things that could go wrong when in reality I think if you have a good grasp of your chosen method you will very likely succeed unless someone happens to save you.
I will be around for a few more hours and reply to any questions but please don't ask or pm me about any sources. I'm done pointing people in the right direction and tbh I found everything I needed here myself with a bit of time and effort. All the information is here.
Take care everyone
Oh and one last thing, if your reasons for ctb don't involve severe physical or mental health issues, please please give life another chance. I would kill, rob and steal to get my health back. Whatever problems you are facing, if you have your health, there is always a chance you can fix the problem. Not saying you definitely can but there's always a chance! I don't want to die. I love my life. But my brain just keeps fucking me over. Please please try to find a way to live and fix your situation if your physical and mental health are decent.
I won't talk about myself at length but here's how things happened for me.
I have some sort of mysterious probable post-viral illness. As far as I know I've never had Covid and it started way before I got vaccinated so no anti-vax comments here please. I don't want to list my symptoms because there are many but the neurological/psychological ones are worst. I never seriously considered suicide before this and I used to have pretty bad panic disorder so that should tell you how badly I feel. Even in my worst horrific panic attacks I never felt like I wanted to ctb.
I started searching on Google and came across the PPH and Five Last Acts which I read with excitement and really got on board with the exit bag and even ordered a nitrogen tank.
In my research I found this forum. At first I was excited and I would browse every day learning as much as I could about the various methods. Nitrogen also started to seem way too complicated to me because I couldn't source the right type of regulator locally so gave up on that idea. Bought rope instead and learned to tie knots for full.
Eventually ordered the right type of regulator online for nitrogen and it seemed like a more viable plan.
But here's the thing. My first few weeks on this forum were euphoric. I felt like I found the holy grail and had all these options of how I could ctb successfully. I'm very grateful for this site and all the information it provides. It is invaluable and I hope it always keeps going. However, in saying this, the longer I was here the less confident I became in every single method. There is so much talk about failure and fear of failure here that I began to get anxiety about never being able to ctb. No matter what plan I came up with someone would come along and talk about brain damage or things likely to fail. This site, I have to be brutally honest, really plunged me into despair. It made me feel like nothing would work. So I was stressed about my brain issues and on top of that I was now stressed about not being able to ctb. Even with N, someone will come along and say oh yes but you know some people just end up in an extended coma. I know it is useful to know the pitfalls of any method so you can correct and account for them but often we don't talk about solutions to problems just the problems. For example, at one point I was looking at plastic bag suffocation (not with gas, just plastic bag) and in all the threads people would say 'no it won't work because you'll just rip the bag off' instead of suggesting to cuff or attach your hands to something which would be the obvious answer. There are great problem solving threads like suggestions on how to mask the taste of N or how to make hanging less painful but overall I see just a lot of discussion of what's going to go wrong.
I now have a nitrogen tank, it's not full but should have at least 20 mins worth of gas. I will also stand on a chair with a rope around my neck so I can hopefully stumble off once the gas renders me unconscious. After constructing my own exit bag and putting all the parts together and turning the tank on and feeling the bag inflate I feel a lot more confident.
Here are some things I've learned about the various methods that you may or may not find useful that I'd like to share before I go:
Hanging: partial is difficult to get right. The smaller the rope diameter the harder it will press into your neck. Always do a test to make sure it holds your weight.
SN: meto is recommended because it aids gastric emptying. However, it also interferes with dopamine in your brain and can cause really unpleasant side effects. Test a small amount e.g. half a pill before you attempt a stat dose.
Nitrogen: there's a debate about whether 15lpm is enough flow. I have to admit that when @FromGermany was here his posts really messed with my head because he insisted that 15lpm will not cause death but rather brain damage. I don't know of this is true or not but if I go with my nitrogen set up I'll use 15lpm. It seems sufficient to me and what @TiredHorse recommends in the megathread as to PPH and Last Five Acts. Also, masks are not a great option unless you have a really fancy scuba mask and are experienced with this.
Drowning: it is possible to drown in the tub if you have weights and use them wisely. But drowning is going to be very frightening and panic inducing. Try hold your breath and see what happens after a while..the pain and panic build up.
OD: common OD like on benzos or other prescription drugs is very unlikely to work. The only ODs I have heard of working are heroin and strong opiods and you need A LOT of it.
N: apparently tastes like absolute chemical ass and no one has been able to find a reliable way to mask the taste. Common suggestion to drink or eat something chocolatey straight after. Apparently very few people vomit. If I ever get it and take it I will take Zofran as antiemetic because I don't want the side effects of meto. I will also take one bottle because I am underweight and then either use a plastic bag over my head or drink it in the bath. D always replies. I have contacted him twice now and he has been super helpful. Pro tip: if you live outside the US find out who UPS contracts to in your country. Turns out UPS hands over the packages to the most useless, lowest rated courier company in my country and it took another person here over six weeks to receive their N because of this company. D offers an alternative to UPS but it's more expensive.
If fear of hell, god or the like prevents you from seeking a peaceful exit I strongly recommend accessing as many atheist resources as possible and disentangling yourself from the mindfuck that is religion. I know it has messed me up in my life. I recommend: Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, The Atheist Experience show and the Recovering From Religion organisation. I do not believe in any afterlife, reincarnation, NDEs or any of that nonsense. As my body shuts down, I will stop breathing and the mitochondria in my body's cells will stop being able to produce ATP and I will cease to be. My energy will go out into the universe as heat energy. That's all.
Will I actually ctb? This is still an unknown to me. Sometimes I feel so fucking awful I feel like I need to CTB right fucking now because the terror I feel is unbearable as my brain glitches and gives me these feeling for no reason. But other moments I feel, it's ok. I'll keep going for now.
So I would like to say thank you to all the people that answered my questions, provided information, engaged in interesting conversation with me and were just overall wonderful humans. But this site is not for me anymore. I finally feel confident enough again and I don't want to go into all the despair and start doubting my methods again. Of course who knows, I might very well be back and posting shortly after this. I am not perfect. But I know that this site, for me at least, has caused analysis paralysis and causes me to come up with more and more wacky scenarios of things that could go wrong when in reality I think if you have a good grasp of your chosen method you will very likely succeed unless someone happens to save you.
I will be around for a few more hours and reply to any questions but please don't ask or pm me about any sources. I'm done pointing people in the right direction and tbh I found everything I needed here myself with a bit of time and effort. All the information is here.
Take care everyone
Oh and one last thing, if your reasons for ctb don't involve severe physical or mental health issues, please please give life another chance. I would kill, rob and steal to get my health back. Whatever problems you are facing, if you have your health, there is always a chance you can fix the problem. Not saying you definitely can but there's always a chance! I don't want to die. I love my life. But my brain just keeps fucking me over. Please please try to find a way to live and fix your situation if your physical and mental health are decent.
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good luck.
