banger12
Former nerd; current burden
- Aug 1, 2024
- 271
Tl;dr I solved a problem and resolved some details in my plan.
Please feel free to comment or respond if you have any thoughts about this you desire to share. My response may be quite delayed, but I'll try to revisit this thread within 24 hours of posting. Fuck, comment a week or two or so after the original post date if you want. Idk why I'm clarifying this and putting a disclaimer here but ig this post feels more personal and important to me than I thought it'd be prior to writing so I want some for of human interaction with it lol. I'm so disgusting and pathetic.
Idk how to categorize this post so I'm putting it as a "story". Idk if anyone cares either but in case this is of interest to anybody here it is.
I'm trying to figure out some (admittedly miscellaneous and comparatively unimportant) details regarding my plan, and now I think I have a better idea of what I'm wanting. I previously had bigger plans and a much more ambitious idea of how I wanted to go out, but increasingly I'm desiring to scale it down a bit.
For starters, I am 75% sure that I'm not going to livestream my CTB. There were various reasons that I was wanting to livestream it before, some of which attached to ambitious plans, but I have become convinced by responses to a thread I posted on the subject that it may backfire and be both counterproductive toward the intended ends and optically harmful.
I also wanted to livestream it partly because unfortunate circumstances outside of my control I was forced to suddenly withdraw from a lot of regular activities and that caused my unexplained disappearance. Although I hope to god none if these people ever see it, the idea was that the livestream would cause news of what happened with my disappearance in April to reach them. Although idk if anyone would care.
Also there are the expressive reasons for having the visual of my death out there, obviously. But I have a different idea, a solution to where I can express myself and be seen without needing to go to the extreme of livestreaming my suicide.
Basically the idea is that I could actually pre-record a bunch of video diaries, create a youtube channel under my name, and then set the on a schedule to upload after my (successful) suicide. Ofc I'd explain that I committed suicide in some of them, and others would be somber and venty, but it also allows room for some lighthearted, positive and happy stuff to be there in spite of the conditions around the uploads. I could show off what made me happy and what I love.
Yes I know I'm an egocentric, narcissistic, pretentious piece of human garbage for this idea. But it leaves something for people who knew me and maybe some stranger will stumble upon it and find something of valuable or enjoyable in it. Plus, I'm not completely happy and at peace with the fact that CTB has emerged as my clear best option at this point, so I want a way of saying more after death, if that makes sense. Again, I'm a piece of shit, I know. But yeah not all of me really wants to leave.
I'm also trying to consider what I want my final day alive to be like. What do I want to do? Lol. I'm a chronic pessimist, but just because life is somber doesn't mean my exit from it has to be. I could try my best to make it happy and beautiful despite the obvious dark connotations.
Again, if anybody wants to comment or respond or has something to say, please do and I'll respond tomorrow hopefully. I'm planning to take a couple days to a week's worth of a break from SaSu soon so I wanted to get this post out while it was still on my mind and before my break.
Please feel free to comment or respond if you have any thoughts about this you desire to share. My response may be quite delayed, but I'll try to revisit this thread within 24 hours of posting. Fuck, comment a week or two or so after the original post date if you want. Idk why I'm clarifying this and putting a disclaimer here but ig this post feels more personal and important to me than I thought it'd be prior to writing so I want some for of human interaction with it lol. I'm so disgusting and pathetic.
Idk how to categorize this post so I'm putting it as a "story". Idk if anyone cares either but in case this is of interest to anybody here it is.
I'm trying to figure out some (admittedly miscellaneous and comparatively unimportant) details regarding my plan, and now I think I have a better idea of what I'm wanting. I previously had bigger plans and a much more ambitious idea of how I wanted to go out, but increasingly I'm desiring to scale it down a bit.
For starters, I am 75% sure that I'm not going to livestream my CTB. There were various reasons that I was wanting to livestream it before, some of which attached to ambitious plans, but I have become convinced by responses to a thread I posted on the subject that it may backfire and be both counterproductive toward the intended ends and optically harmful.
I also wanted to livestream it partly because unfortunate circumstances outside of my control I was forced to suddenly withdraw from a lot of regular activities and that caused my unexplained disappearance. Although I hope to god none if these people ever see it, the idea was that the livestream would cause news of what happened with my disappearance in April to reach them. Although idk if anyone would care.
Also there are the expressive reasons for having the visual of my death out there, obviously. But I have a different idea, a solution to where I can express myself and be seen without needing to go to the extreme of livestreaming my suicide.
Basically the idea is that I could actually pre-record a bunch of video diaries, create a youtube channel under my name, and then set the on a schedule to upload after my (successful) suicide. Ofc I'd explain that I committed suicide in some of them, and others would be somber and venty, but it also allows room for some lighthearted, positive and happy stuff to be there in spite of the conditions around the uploads. I could show off what made me happy and what I love.
Yes I know I'm an egocentric, narcissistic, pretentious piece of human garbage for this idea. But it leaves something for people who knew me and maybe some stranger will stumble upon it and find something of valuable or enjoyable in it. Plus, I'm not completely happy and at peace with the fact that CTB has emerged as my clear best option at this point, so I want a way of saying more after death, if that makes sense. Again, I'm a piece of shit, I know. But yeah not all of me really wants to leave.
I'm also trying to consider what I want my final day alive to be like. What do I want to do? Lol. I'm a chronic pessimist, but just because life is somber doesn't mean my exit from it has to be. I could try my best to make it happy and beautiful despite the obvious dark connotations.
Again, if anybody wants to comment or respond or has something to say, please do and I'll respond tomorrow hopefully. I'm planning to take a couple days to a week's worth of a break from SaSu soon so I wanted to get this post out while it was still on my mind and before my break.
