TorturedSoul999
Member
- Aug 11, 2023
- 34
It's been a little over a month since I got my hands on SN and antiemetics. I'm missing benzos but I don't believe they are necessary to carry out the process. I would also make sure to use over the counter painkillers if I decide to attempt.
So to begin..
I went on Facebook dating and I guess you could say I got pretty lucky. I met someone significantly younger than me. I'm 22 and they're 18. We're in completely different places in life. I started working full time after graduating and they're saving up for college. They're relatively attractive. But… I still think about my ex of 4 years all the time.
To recap the story… I came across this forum a few weeks after finding out my ex had moved on for good and started dating the guy who had been waiting for me to fuck up. He waited for 4 years and pounced. They were dating a little over a month after me and my ex had our final breakup. I had psychosis and was struggling immensely with delusions that she was in danger. I didn't know how to handle my emotions and my mental condition properly so it ended up pushing her away. Before my mental breakdown we were doing relatively well. I was struggling with trust but everything was okay. Then my grandma died in January. I started to believe I saw her ghost knock something connected to my girlfriend over and that it was her telling me that my suspicion about my girlfriend being a serial cheater was right and to leave her.
My psychotic episode lasted from late January to the end of June when I began to calm down and realized I was always going to love my ex and would rather her over anyone else after everything we had been through. I reached out to her hoping she was still recovering from everything only to find out she had a new boyfriend. She eventually admitted if I had returned earlier and apologized she would have taken me back.
In my despair. I began to lose myself. I stopped eating for a few days.
Then I started doing research into the afterlife. Reincarnation. Soulmates meeting again. The possibility of reliving the same life to fix past mistakes (found people who claimed they had). After concluding that there is an afterlife based on the evidence I had available. I decided I no longer wanted to be here.
I went on a family cruise in august and started seriously thinking about ending my life shortly afterwards once my SN came in the mail. But then I matched with a few people on Facebook dating. I decided to give it a try. Had high hopes for the first girl. She was 20, went to a good college but she ended up ghosting me. She came back and told me she just wanted to be friends. She was a little bit boring so while it hurt initially I realized I wasn't sure if I could have a happy relationship with her as she was a bit shallow. Even if I liked the fact she wanted to be a teacher, and was my type. Our personalities struggled to match.
Then I met with the next girl. She was younger, a little bit further back in life due to age. But we hit it off really well. Two weeks later we made it official and began dating. She's a sweetheart and is very kind. She cares about my mental health and really wants a future with me. I was her first kiss and I was really surprised when I found this out. She lives about two hours away, but her parents are chill enough to let me pick her up so she can spend the weekend with me. So we get to hang out, watch movies, and play games together.
Even so. I still miss the girl I was with. I still regret my actions earlier this year. I still wish things could be different. I feel like I won't love anyone the way I loved my ex. It was a childhood love that.. just can't be replicated. I still have thoughts of suicide.
The holidays are coming soon and it's going to be the first ones without her.
I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with her. She was the first person I texted on new years and said "we made it". But…so much has changed. I struggle to play the Mario party game she bought me I feel like I'd be betraying her by playing the game with someone else. Even though it's the best game I have on the switch. I still haven't touched it since playing with her. She…. really enjoyed that game in the short time we played it together.
I'm trying as best as I can to enjoy life. To try and be happy with my new girlfriend… but I miss what I had so bad. I miss my high school sweetheart. I'd go through all the suffering I endured before her all over again just to get another chance. I want another life. I fucked this one up so bad. Even though I have a new life with a new person it's not the same and it hurts so much.
I don't want to hurt my mom. But I keep thinking about taking that damn SN and dying with a note my ex wrote next to me "Open When You're Somewhere Beautiful"
To me.. that place is anywhere but this earth… this timeline where so much was lost. I don't believe God will throw me into hell for my actions. I know he'll embrace me with loving arms and tell me everything will be okay. But more than anything. I just want to start over. I want to do this life again so badly. I don't think I can wait several decades to die a "normal" death. I look ahead at the future and see decades of pain and regret. Even if I marry this new person. I'm always going to wish it was my ex. I'm always going to wish I hadn't had a horrible episode this year. So I figure… why live a life of sadness and regret when I can just leave in the next few months-year.
SN takes about 3 years to expire. So I have time. I had hoped that a new relationship would give me a new outlook on life. But nothing has changed. My ex is still in my dreams. I still see angel numbers and wish for her. I still long for the moment I can see her again. Redo this life and make things right. If that's not possible then reincarnate with her soul to love her the way I should have in this life… and if that's not possible… to be at peace in heaven. But this life.. is just pain and agony. I'm waiting to die while enjoying simple little things like fast food, anime, driving my car, soda, and the little bit of pleasure I get from masturbation and foreplay I do with my gf (she doesn't want to have sex because she's a virgin and said it may take several months to a year until she's ready. My ex had a rough past and was forced into losing hers, I'm being patient and even though I crave to have sex again, I'd rather my new girlfriend feel comfortable safe and not pressured).
Anyways, that's the end of my post.
I don't want to be here anymore but…. I'm trying to hold on to see if anything changes. But I do fear that the holidays without my beloved high school sweetheart may push me to decide on killing myself for good. In hopes of escaping this life of pain and regret which I don't wish to have for the next several decades.
So to begin..
I went on Facebook dating and I guess you could say I got pretty lucky. I met someone significantly younger than me. I'm 22 and they're 18. We're in completely different places in life. I started working full time after graduating and they're saving up for college. They're relatively attractive. But… I still think about my ex of 4 years all the time.
To recap the story… I came across this forum a few weeks after finding out my ex had moved on for good and started dating the guy who had been waiting for me to fuck up. He waited for 4 years and pounced. They were dating a little over a month after me and my ex had our final breakup. I had psychosis and was struggling immensely with delusions that she was in danger. I didn't know how to handle my emotions and my mental condition properly so it ended up pushing her away. Before my mental breakdown we were doing relatively well. I was struggling with trust but everything was okay. Then my grandma died in January. I started to believe I saw her ghost knock something connected to my girlfriend over and that it was her telling me that my suspicion about my girlfriend being a serial cheater was right and to leave her.
My psychotic episode lasted from late January to the end of June when I began to calm down and realized I was always going to love my ex and would rather her over anyone else after everything we had been through. I reached out to her hoping she was still recovering from everything only to find out she had a new boyfriend. She eventually admitted if I had returned earlier and apologized she would have taken me back.
In my despair. I began to lose myself. I stopped eating for a few days.
Then I started doing research into the afterlife. Reincarnation. Soulmates meeting again. The possibility of reliving the same life to fix past mistakes (found people who claimed they had). After concluding that there is an afterlife based on the evidence I had available. I decided I no longer wanted to be here.
I went on a family cruise in august and started seriously thinking about ending my life shortly afterwards once my SN came in the mail. But then I matched with a few people on Facebook dating. I decided to give it a try. Had high hopes for the first girl. She was 20, went to a good college but she ended up ghosting me. She came back and told me she just wanted to be friends. She was a little bit boring so while it hurt initially I realized I wasn't sure if I could have a happy relationship with her as she was a bit shallow. Even if I liked the fact she wanted to be a teacher, and was my type. Our personalities struggled to match.
Then I met with the next girl. She was younger, a little bit further back in life due to age. But we hit it off really well. Two weeks later we made it official and began dating. She's a sweetheart and is very kind. She cares about my mental health and really wants a future with me. I was her first kiss and I was really surprised when I found this out. She lives about two hours away, but her parents are chill enough to let me pick her up so she can spend the weekend with me. So we get to hang out, watch movies, and play games together.
Even so. I still miss the girl I was with. I still regret my actions earlier this year. I still wish things could be different. I feel like I won't love anyone the way I loved my ex. It was a childhood love that.. just can't be replicated. I still have thoughts of suicide.
The holidays are coming soon and it's going to be the first ones without her.
I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with her. She was the first person I texted on new years and said "we made it". But…so much has changed. I struggle to play the Mario party game she bought me I feel like I'd be betraying her by playing the game with someone else. Even though it's the best game I have on the switch. I still haven't touched it since playing with her. She…. really enjoyed that game in the short time we played it together.
I'm trying as best as I can to enjoy life. To try and be happy with my new girlfriend… but I miss what I had so bad. I miss my high school sweetheart. I'd go through all the suffering I endured before her all over again just to get another chance. I want another life. I fucked this one up so bad. Even though I have a new life with a new person it's not the same and it hurts so much.
I don't want to hurt my mom. But I keep thinking about taking that damn SN and dying with a note my ex wrote next to me "Open When You're Somewhere Beautiful"
To me.. that place is anywhere but this earth… this timeline where so much was lost. I don't believe God will throw me into hell for my actions. I know he'll embrace me with loving arms and tell me everything will be okay. But more than anything. I just want to start over. I want to do this life again so badly. I don't think I can wait several decades to die a "normal" death. I look ahead at the future and see decades of pain and regret. Even if I marry this new person. I'm always going to wish it was my ex. I'm always going to wish I hadn't had a horrible episode this year. So I figure… why live a life of sadness and regret when I can just leave in the next few months-year.
SN takes about 3 years to expire. So I have time. I had hoped that a new relationship would give me a new outlook on life. But nothing has changed. My ex is still in my dreams. I still see angel numbers and wish for her. I still long for the moment I can see her again. Redo this life and make things right. If that's not possible then reincarnate with her soul to love her the way I should have in this life… and if that's not possible… to be at peace in heaven. But this life.. is just pain and agony. I'm waiting to die while enjoying simple little things like fast food, anime, driving my car, soda, and the little bit of pleasure I get from masturbation and foreplay I do with my gf (she doesn't want to have sex because she's a virgin and said it may take several months to a year until she's ready. My ex had a rough past and was forced into losing hers, I'm being patient and even though I crave to have sex again, I'd rather my new girlfriend feel comfortable safe and not pressured).
Anyways, that's the end of my post.
I don't want to be here anymore but…. I'm trying to hold on to see if anything changes. But I do fear that the holidays without my beloved high school sweetheart may push me to decide on killing myself for good. In hopes of escaping this life of pain and regret which I don't wish to have for the next several decades.
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